Perpetually haunted by the ghosts of my past.

Yup. Depression’s around the corner. Heh. Earlier today, I found myself thinking about a friend who moved back to Poland like 15+ years ago. She went on a camping trip with me & my mom. My mom didn’t want her to come, cuz she was dying & wanted to spend time with me, but she knew I was about to lose my friend as well. I miss them both.

Well, now that I’m all tearful & shit, haha… Anyway… Ahh, ice cream LOL. So, I tried to get my eye exam & stuff, but both places I went to were too busy. Deposited my father’s checks, & dropped a bunch of stuff off at Salvy. Ex was saying he was feeling better earlier today, but then he crashed back into sickness. He said he didn’t wanna be at his place for whatever reason, so I told him to come over, lay down, & watch some tv while I mow the lawn. Which is what happened haha. I came in & we watched some Star Trek : TNG, & he went home. I don’t even know what I’m been doing since. Eating, mostly, lol. I made salmon filets for dinner. My father stole a couple cigarettes from me, then tried bitching at me for taking one back, then laughed in my face when I yelled back at him. He’s such a cunt.

So, I’m looking forward to getting the fuck away from him for a day. Camping, as usual, tomorrow. Hopefully I don’t have to murder my cousin’s friend for trying to make out with me, lol. That shit’s gotta stop. Especially with the state of mind I have rolling in… :/

Gettin’ cranky…

…so I know depression is around the corner. And sluggish. Can’t forget sluggish.

Lemme get my cranky out real quick… Spent some time on 7cups this morning again. Could only spread some good vibes to one person, though. I’ve been getting a little aggravated with certain aspects of the site though. For one thing, their guided meditations are GOD FUCKING AWFUL. Some of the worst I’ve heard. They’re spoken too quickly, or too randomly (no assistive patterns), or too quietly at times. I tried to force myself through one today…I had to stop after about 2 minutes cuz I wanted to punch my computer lol. Dude with a British accent, mumbling half the pointless shit (“notice your feet”…I usually do, thank you). 15 seconds in, “visualize your head floating”…can’t we start with breathing?! Lol. I can’t really visualize random things til I calm myself physically, & acknowledging my feet isn’t very calming lol….. Another thing that bothers me on the site is one of the “listeners”, who’s a mod for one of the boards. This person doesn’t listen. I said something the other day about procrastinating getting started on my day, & they started giving me habit starting tips. WHAT?!? Someone mentioned something about an exam yesterday, & they were giving tips on writing essays. HUH?!? It’s not like this is a vocal conversation…read the text a few times if you have to, geez!!! And they tend to spew cliche bullshit, which just makes me super angry heh.

So, anyway… Here I am again, procrastinating starting my day. I wanna go get new glasses & contacts (since I’m about 6 years overdue for an eye exam), drop some stuff off at Salvation Army, & deposit the last of my father’s checks. I don’t think I’m gonna have time for all that now. :/ Plus, I should mow the lawn later. Though I don’t want to, heh. Ugh, & I have to get gas! Shittles!!! I want to get it in the second town I have to go to, but I don’t know if I have enough to make it there on what I’ve got….. I really don’t wanna get it in my own town, since it’s like $.10 more. Not that it really fucking matters, lol.

I’ll stop rambling for now…

Wound up

I didn’t get around to posting earlier cuz I ended up quite distracted spreading good vibes on 7cups while I could. Then I went & got my holter monitor removed, which took 30 seconds haha. Then I came home & did a bunch of chores, including cleaning the bathroom. Ex came over for a few hours cuz I forgot to give him money for something yesterday; he’s still pretty sick, so he laid down a few times heh. Just got a shower. Feeling pretty listless. I feel a fog rolling into my brain, heh. I can’t even write any more. Dunno what to say…

I can’t even think of a title

Trying to keep calm & carry on, but my anxiety is winding up, & I can feel my depression is starting to wind up as well. Didn’t sleep too great, but I guess it was enough, cuz I don’t feel tired. Those hot wings I had yesterday though…I was suffering for them this morning! lol! Worth it. lolol.

Today, I gotta go have that 24-hour heart monitor put on, which I’m nervous about for no reason. Hopefully it doesn’t trigger my depression; but I think I’ll be ok. And later, I gotta have Ex help me go grocery shopping, cuz with walking the way I am, I’m not gonna be able to get my father’s beer (at the very least). And I may take care of him later, if he wants. He was pretty upset last night, so I offered to pick him up to come over & watch a movie; he was interested, but felt too lousy to get up heh.

So, I don’t really want to, but I’m pretty sure I need to, take some Xanax before my appointment with the cardiologist. My anxiety about going isn’t rational. I can’t even say it’s over sitting in the waiting room, or over having it put on me, or wearing it all day. I used to place continuous monitors on people in the ER, so I know none of this is a big deal. It still just seems overwhelming. And the hot sauce in my intestines is exacerbating my anxiety, which is upsetting my fiery intestines, and so on. lol.

Running into the ground…

Well, I took 1/2 Xanax & did all the things, hahaha. I felt pretty damn good, & got a lot done. But now I feel overexhausted.

I never realized how difficult it could be for me to get the x-ray I need. Got the electric bill put in my name because they just now realized my mother’s been dead for almost 18 years. Made my first gynocologist appointment (& I’ll definitely need some Xanax for that shit, lol). Took care of my finances. Dragged the garbage down. Did dishes. Finished making my turkey soup. Went through the newspaper & the mail. Put up the pretty candleholder I bought for the living room. Ordered pizza & wings because I’ve been craving them for for a month. And cleaned in the kitchen a little bit.

No wonder I feel so exhausted. There was some self care in there too. Started reading the 3rd book in The Wilds series, which I’ve liked so far. Did some bed yoga. A couple minutes of meditation. I think I’m gonna work on a granny square & go to bed. I have a cardiologist appointment tomorrow…

Rainy days

But that’s ok, I love the rain. Plus, my toe is still pretty fucked, so it’s not like I’m able to do yardwork (or much else) anyway…

Really didn’t do much yesterday, but that was the plan. Watched “A Dangerous Method”, which is a movie about Freud & Jung. I liked it a lot, though I think it’s just cuz I’m a psych geek, lol. There seemed to be a couple plotholes, but I may have just been distracted. The movie ended around when Jung was beginning his experiments with “the collective unconscious” (pathworking meditations), & so also writing what eventually became “The Red Book” (which I read in its entirety a few years ago). Ex was complaining about his fever (it got up to like 104*), so I told him he needed antibiotics, or else he’s looking at either a very prolonged sickness, or a progressed sickness.

So, he called a doctor today & got some antibiotics. The doctor said it could be either bronchitis or walking pneumonia. The latter is what I was thinking, cuz I don’t think bronchitis even gets quite this brutal. If he doesn’t already have a lil pneumonia, I’m pretty sure he’d develop it if this went on much longer. Anyway… I stayed up a lil late last night, & got up at almost noon today. I gotta make some phone calls. I think I gotta take a Xanax first, cuz every time I start thinking about making phone calls, my mind & breathing starts to spin. Any time I attempt to calm it, it’s only a matter of seconds before it winds up again. …..And, in trying to sort out what I wanna do today, I’m all wound up & don’t know wtf to do. Just. Like. That. Ok… Gotta make some calls. Gotta update my finances, pay a bill, & try to take the garbage down. And maybe try to clean the bathroom. BLEH!!!!!

Continuing my last post…

…but I don’t feel much like going on about my cousin’s friend / neighbor. So…

Yesterday wasn’t too awkward LOL. No hickeys, but almost!!! LOL! Uhm… Went with my cousin to drop off his friend early in the morning; only got 3 hours sleep, this time cuz she woke me up asking him to take her home. Helped mow the lawns with neighbor-friend’s ATV mower. My cousin’s kids rode with me for a while, one in front of me & one in back with his arms around me. They’re 5 & 4, & very adorable & smart kids. Then I dislocated my left baby toe on my cousin’s boots. Rode around the yard with neighbor-friend & one of the kids, in his dune buggy -like thing. Suntanned in my cousin’s truck while they got firewood in another town. Then I came home. Left an hour later than I meant to, but whatever. Took care of responsibilities, ate a lil something, & crashed out hard.

Slept for like 9 hours, got up for a little bit, napped for a couple more hours. Haven’t done much else today, except the dishes. My whole body hurts from walking so weird with my toe all swollen. But it’s too much to even run a bath. Downloading a few movies, so maybe I’ll watch one later. I dunno. Can’t do much when it hurts to walk. Bleh!!!

Another interesting camping trip…

Well, after my last post, Ex came over for a couple hours to vent his frustrations. He’s never been so depressed in his life. I did my best to calm him down. Made him some lunch. Ended up way behind with what I wanted to do, so I didn’t get some stuff done. No biggie. Went to my aunt’s for dinner. Hung out with her for a lil while. Then headed down here around 8:30. I think. Had fun last night, tho it took 2 or 3 beers to get my anxiety to calm. My cousin brought a friend, so he had to babysit her most of the night. I ended up hanging out with his friend who kissed me a couple weeks ago. And guess what happened?? LOL! This is why I’m posting… We probably made out for like 20 minutes or so. It seems like he really likes me, heh. Like, really really lol. He said he just feels this connection between us from the start lol. He was venting all this shit about his childhood, and about his ex, who really made a mess of things last weekend. And what’s funny is, he barely even drank heh. So, he kissed me. And he’s actually pretty fun to make out with LOL!! I seriously don’t think I’ve ever been kissed with such… passion? I dunno. I definitely slowed him down when he was grabbing my ass and tits. But I let him get a lil LOL. He kept trying to give me a hickey, I was like my cousins will murder you lol. I forgot to check if he succeeded lol. Nobody said anything, so I assume I’m safe hahaha. He wouldn’t stop, tho. I kept giving him reasons to, like “I can’t be doing this right now, I’m too fucked in the head.” He just kept saying “but you’re having fun, aren’t you?!” And I kinda was, lol. But like I told him, I’m not trying to fuck with his head. And I don’t want him to set the goal of banging me lol. I’m not really attracted to him. I mean, he’s not hideous, especially for his age. Just not my type. Plus, his daughter is a year younger than me. Then again, his mother is my father’s age.

…..never got to finish this post, heh…..

My brain hurts…

…but we’ll get to that in a minute, heh…

I was probably a little too productive yesterday. Cooked up my turkey; stripped it, put the carcass in the slow cooker, & made turkey broth for soup (and it smells really fuckin’ good…& I don’t even like turkey that much haha). Made homemade mashed potatoes & (half homemade) gravy, & some frozen corn for dinner. And since I had the kitchen arranged so that I can get in the oven, I made up some frozen oatmeal raisin cookie dough (& my father actually mentioned how much he liked them!) Beyond that, I cleaned in the attic for a half hour, vacuumed & cleaned the vacuum, got smokes, did 150,000 dishes lol, & some other chores.

Woke up feeling pretty good. But now my brain hurts. Ex quit his job yesterday. I kept him from it for as long as I could. I didn’t want him to fuck up a decent reference. But his shitty feelings about everything that’s happened are only magnified when he’d go to work cuz of his “girlfriend” (who’s staying with her husband, & just put in her notice as well). But, he didn’t even put in notice, he just did a “no call, no show”. Which is awful. So today, he sent me a text saying he’d gotten a letter dismissing him from college for failing an academic foundations course twice. He’s only got a few classes before he graduates, so I can’t believe they’d actually dismiss him without letting him fight for it. Even though I’d been telling him to go to tutoring since the first time he took the class, & he refused. That kills me though, if they don’t let him do something about it. I put in enough work of my own just getting him to go to school LOL (he was encouraged to drop out of high school, he was such a careless student). And he got almost all A’s; I was so proud, & I think he was a bit proud of himself too. Now this shit. So, now I’m stressing about that. Even though it’s not my life. Even though it could be his karma. At the same time, I can’t help but wonder what the fuck is going on with him. Hopefully this is just the universe shedding a bunch of bullshit so that he can grow & move on to where he needs to be in his life. Me included, to some degree. But I can’t help but worry. He’s not himself anymore; his words. Not since the hookers, heh. But these past couple months have been pretty wild for him. He said a while ago he wished he’d been content being boring. Now, he left me, his “girlfriend” broke things off, he’s living in a room at his brother’s house, he’s unemployed, & he got kicked out of school. I can’t help but be concerned. But I need to relax a bit. I have enough shit on my mind.

Today, I need to run to Salvy & drop some attic stuff off. I was running out of room up there, & a lot of it is stuff that I can’t fit into the recycling bin all at once, & a lot of it is stuff that needs to be given away. So, I filled my trunk yesterday, which I’ll need tonight for “camping”. I’ve gotta do laundry, & I’ve gotta pay some bills. Gotta meet my cousin at my aunt’s for dinner later, & then we go down for drinks. My intestines are cranky, probably from ex’s stress.

Sleep?

I hate not being able to sleep right. The past few days have been a bit rough in that department. I keep waking up, & I’m not sure why. Sometimes I think it’s the birds outside, and/or my cats trying to get a peek at them. But usually, I can’t figure out a reason. One of the times I woke up, I immediately noticed that some of my XMas lights went out, & almost got up to put it on my to do list. But I didn’t. Cuz that would’ve been retarded. lol.

I felt pretty awesome yesterday, haha. Got my lab work done. Went to BK, took 1/2 Xanax in anticipation of anxiety when I tried to get my X-Ray taken care off. Went to the X-Ray place, but they “don’t do scoliosis studies”. I wonder what difference it makes. So, I went & deposited some of my father’s checks that I’ve had laying around; I think I’m gonna finish them off next week. Cleaned the inside of the car. Did some other chores. Daydreamed about “old friend” a bit…

All I really have to do today is get smokes. I think I’m gonna wait til this evening, though. I gotta cook up this goddamn turkey breast that’s been taking up space in my freezer for a few months; I don’t even want it, never did, but it was free hahaha. And I should clean the kitchen while that’s in the oven. And do a bunch of random things. I picked a few places to call to try to find somewhere that does do scoliosis studies, but I don’t know if I’m gonna bother with that today; I might just put it off til tomorrow. I’ve got a pretty busy month ahead, & none of it is fun until the end of the month. Heh. Bleh!