Ready to crack a beer…

…well, maybe not quite yet. I had a couple last night though, heh.

My doctor’s appointment went fine yesterday. I guess. She only had the results of my blood test, not my cardiac monitor. Blood test was fine; heart issues “probably just anxiety”. Tell that to the a-fib I felt a month ago. Whatever. I’m crazy. So, it doesn’t matter. Same with the stomach problems I was experiencing for 4 years- just my anxiety, so fuck me. Waking up in the middle of the night, puking, & with such consistent diarrhea that I was eventually shitting water? Yup, just my anxiety. Fuck me.

Ex came over yesterday too. He apparently has mono, from the bitch he left me for. Enjoy your karma, asshole.

My depression’s really got me by the throat. I’m feeling worthless, hopeless, pointless, unlovable… I feel like I’m meant to be alone in this world, no matter what I do. I’m meant to suffer, & die young.

Ugh…

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Sad & scared,

ever since last night.

Yesterday ended up ok. I took some Xanax, & it allowed me to focus enough to get some chores done. Ex came over for a few hours & watched some ST:TNG with me. He needed to vent cuz he had his ex girlfriend on his mind. And I sucked it up & tried to help, & offered advice where I could. It was pretty exhausting after a while, though, especially considering my own depression has been creeping in.

Well, it’s in. Heh. Today I have to go to the res after my doctor’s appointment. Doc is why I’m scared – we’ll be discussing the results of my blood test & heart monitor. I’ll definitely be taking some Xanax before I go, heh. I didn’t see too much on my blood work – cold sore herpes, high cholesterol…something a little off with my hemoglobin, & my RBCs are a bit big. No idea about the heart monitor results yet. I don’t wanna deal with this shit. I don’t feel like I can right now. But I don’t have a fucking choice.

As for the sad… I’m meant to die alone. I shouldn’t ever be in another relationship. I’ll never be able to trust anyone ever again, nor should I. Never did in the first place, because I know I’m not important enough to be worth shit to anyone. Everyone just throws me aside like trash when they’re done using me. That’s all I’m here for.

Down.

Ex & I blasted through the new season of Orange is the New Black in 3 days, heh. He’s still pretty sick (over 2 weeks now), so he went back to the doctor today, & had to go to my old hospital for a chest x-ray & bloodwork. I’m…on my way down.

Yesterday wasn’t too bad. Therapy was fine. Though, still pretty pointless, in my opinion. I love my therapist, but…I don’t feel like we’re doing anything, really. Though, I can’t imagine what could be done anyway. Then I went to Wal-Mart. I saw one of my old customers, who has schizophrenia. I watched that poor guy suffer for 7 years before he found some medication that helped him, & it seems to still be helping. So, that made me really happy.

But, like I’ve been saying, I’m on my way down into depression. If I’m not distracted by something fun, I’m sinking into sadness. Within the next couple days I assume, I won’t even be able to distract myself. My therapist said it seems like I’m almost constantly battling my thoughts & emotions, trying to make them acceptable to myself. She asked if I ever tried just accepting them, or exploring them. Yes. I think that’s how I ended up with my general malaise. “Why am I feeling this way? Oh, well….(insert 500 reasons that have built up throughout my life)”. I feel like I’m reliving my life’s devastations repeatedly, but only emotionally. Then the negative thoughts come swirling up. For example, right now…I haven’t done much productive the past few days. What little I’ve done, doesn’t feel like anything. I’ve made no progress with anything. Even trying to control where I’m at & where I’m going, getting an idea of what I could-should do…is a daunting task. No matter what I do, I feel like I’m getting nowhere. And I feel like a failure for it. I feel like I’m not allowed to take a break. I’m not allowed to be so selfish. I gotta push through. But to where?! That was another thing my therapist was mentioning…I grew up with as much stability as my parents could give me, but I still dealt with a lot of loss, so I feel the need to control as much as I can. But I’m a small-statured woman with a curve in her spine & a glitch in her heart….I can only do so much, & I don’t have much help. I feel so alone. And overwhelmed. But when I ask myself why I’m sad…it’s because my fiance left me outta nowhere after 11 years, for a woman who doesn’t even want him, and because I’m a burden. “The burdens of everything” he said, which translates in my mind as “I’m a fucking burden, no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I’m just a fucking burden. I’m not worth anyone’s time, energy, or love. I was meant to be alone, before I was even conceived.” I know these things aren’t realistic, they’re only pessimistic, & serve me no useful purpose. But they sure are a part of my “core beliefs”.

So, I’m either gonna crack a beer or take a Xanax (one or the other!), & see if it helps…..

Feelin’ lousy…

Well, camping was fun. My cousin’s friend did, in fact, try to make out with me again. I should probably write about that more later, cuz I…I’m not sure what the fuck his deal is….. Though, I think I do… I dunno. I feel like hell.

Anyway… My cousin & I were up til 5am. For once, his friend went to bed before us. I couldn’t fall asleep til 6. Got woken up around 9, due to my little kid cousins. Ended up getting up & spending time with the kids & their parents. Went out on the boat for about an hour. Got a sunburn. Went grocery shopping with my cousin when he got up, & one of the kids. Hung out alone down by the creek for a little while. Mowed some of the friend’s lawn. Came home. Ex was upset, & is still sick (for 2 weeks now!), so he came over to relax for a while. We watched a few episodes of Orange is the New Black. Then he came over again yesterday, & we watched some more haha. Didn’t do much other than that & my responsibilities the past couple days.

Woke up today with bad cramps. Like…I think the heat’s making it worse. I love the heat, don’t get me wrong, lol! Just not so much when I’m in pain. My head hurts, I’m bloated… I just wanna lay in bed. But I have an appointment with my therapist, & then I have to do some grocery shopping (UGH!!!) Gotta take the garbage & recycling down. And that’s it. Then I can lay in bed. But I feel soooo damn lousy…

sigh

And wah. I don’t feel up to anything. Back into the state of mind where the only thing that sounds appealing is crawling underneath the bed & melting into the floor. I don’t know why that’s what comes to mind, but that’s where my mind’s at.

Not much to do today. I’ve gotta call my doctor, since the patient portal’s email is apparently fucking useless. Gotta tidy the fridge a bit, & put my turkey soup away. And do some dishes. That’s it, til later. Gotta go to my aunt’s for dinner, & then down south for “camping”. I don’t really wanna go, cuz my anxiety & depression are growing. But I really need to go, to get the fuck away from my father for a day. I just wanna morph into a puddle…

Perpetually haunted by the ghosts of my past.

Yup. Depression’s around the corner. Heh. Earlier today, I found myself thinking about a friend who moved back to Poland like 15+ years ago. She went on a camping trip with me & my mom. My mom didn’t want her to come, cuz she was dying & wanted to spend time with me, but she knew I was about to lose my friend as well. I miss them both.

Well, now that I’m all tearful & shit, haha… Anyway… Ahh, ice cream LOL. So, I tried to get my eye exam & stuff, but both places I went to were too busy. Deposited my father’s checks, & dropped a bunch of stuff off at Salvy. Ex was saying he was feeling better earlier today, but then he crashed back into sickness. He said he didn’t wanna be at his place for whatever reason, so I told him to come over, lay down, & watch some tv while I mow the lawn. Which is what happened haha. I came in & we watched some Star Trek : TNG, & he went home. I don’t even know what I’m been doing since. Eating, mostly, lol. I made salmon filets for dinner. My father stole a couple cigarettes from me, then tried bitching at me for taking one back, then laughed in my face when I yelled back at him. He’s such a cunt.

So, I’m looking forward to getting the fuck away from him for a day. Camping, as usual, tomorrow. Hopefully I don’t have to murder my cousin’s friend for trying to make out with me, lol. That shit’s gotta stop. Especially with the state of mind I have rolling in… :/

Gettin’ cranky…

…so I know depression is around the corner. And sluggish. Can’t forget sluggish.

Lemme get my cranky out real quick… Spent some time on 7cups this morning again. Could only spread some good vibes to one person, though. I’ve been getting a little aggravated with certain aspects of the site though. For one thing, their guided meditations are GOD FUCKING AWFUL. Some of the worst I’ve heard. They’re spoken too quickly, or too randomly (no assistive patterns), or too quietly at times. I tried to force myself through one today…I had to stop after about 2 minutes cuz I wanted to punch my computer lol. Dude with a British accent, mumbling half the pointless shit (“notice your feet”…I usually do, thank you). 15 seconds in, “visualize your head floating”…can’t we start with breathing?! Lol. I can’t really visualize random things til I calm myself physically, & acknowledging my feet isn’t very calming lol….. Another thing that bothers me on the site is one of the “listeners”, who’s a mod for one of the boards. This person doesn’t listen. I said something the other day about procrastinating getting started on my day, & they started giving me habit starting tips. WHAT?!? Someone mentioned something about an exam yesterday, & they were giving tips on writing essays. HUH?!? It’s not like this is a vocal conversation…read the text a few times if you have to, geez!!! And they tend to spew cliche bullshit, which just makes me super angry heh.

So, anyway… Here I am again, procrastinating starting my day. I wanna go get new glasses & contacts (since I’m about 6 years overdue for an eye exam), drop some stuff off at Salvation Army, & deposit the last of my father’s checks. I don’t think I’m gonna have time for all that now. :/ Plus, I should mow the lawn later. Though I don’t want to, heh. Ugh, & I have to get gas! Shittles!!! I want to get it in the second town I have to go to, but I don’t know if I have enough to make it there on what I’ve got….. I really don’t wanna get it in my own town, since it’s like $.10 more. Not that it really fucking matters, lol.

I’ll stop rambling for now…

Wound up

I didn’t get around to posting earlier cuz I ended up quite distracted spreading good vibes on 7cups while I could. Then I went & got my holter monitor removed, which took 30 seconds haha. Then I came home & did a bunch of chores, including cleaning the bathroom. Ex came over for a few hours cuz I forgot to give him money for something yesterday; he’s still pretty sick, so he laid down a few times heh. Just got a shower. Feeling pretty listless. I feel a fog rolling into my brain, heh. I can’t even write any more. Dunno what to say…

I can’t even think of a title

Trying to keep calm & carry on, but my anxiety is winding up, & I can feel my depression is starting to wind up as well. Didn’t sleep too great, but I guess it was enough, cuz I don’t feel tired. Those hot wings I had yesterday though…I was suffering for them this morning! lol! Worth it. lolol.

Today, I gotta go have that 24-hour heart monitor put on, which I’m nervous about for no reason. Hopefully it doesn’t trigger my depression; but I think I’ll be ok. And later, I gotta have Ex help me go grocery shopping, cuz with walking the way I am, I’m not gonna be able to get my father’s beer (at the very least). And I may take care of him later, if he wants. He was pretty upset last night, so I offered to pick him up to come over & watch a movie; he was interested, but felt too lousy to get up heh.

So, I don’t really want to, but I’m pretty sure I need to, take some Xanax before my appointment with the cardiologist. My anxiety about going isn’t rational. I can’t even say it’s over sitting in the waiting room, or over having it put on me, or wearing it all day. I used to place continuous monitors on people in the ER, so I know none of this is a big deal. It still just seems overwhelming. And the hot sauce in my intestines is exacerbating my anxiety, which is upsetting my fiery intestines, and so on. lol.

Running into the ground…

Well, I took 1/2 Xanax & did all the things, hahaha. I felt pretty damn good, & got a lot done. But now I feel overexhausted.

I never realized how difficult it could be for me to get the x-ray I need. Got the electric bill put in my name because they just now realized my mother’s been dead for almost 18 years. Made my first gynocologist appointment (& I’ll definitely need some Xanax for that shit, lol). Took care of my finances. Dragged the garbage down. Did dishes. Finished making my turkey soup. Went through the newspaper & the mail. Put up the pretty candleholder I bought for the living room. Ordered pizza & wings because I’ve been craving them for for a month. And cleaned in the kitchen a little bit.

No wonder I feel so exhausted. There was some self care in there too. Started reading the 3rd book in The Wilds series, which I’ve liked so far. Did some bed yoga. A couple minutes of meditation. I think I’m gonna work on a granny square & go to bed. I have a cardiologist appointment tomorrow…