Ride along with me, eh? lol!

(this is a post I wrote for a forum…)

I’ve got a lot on my mind all the time. Right now, I may just need to vent the relationships stuff, because my mind is spinning. In regards…..

#1. I was with a guy for almost 11 years; engaged & everything. Lived together most of that time. Never fought, never had any real problems. We were always very affectionate & loving toward each other. He left me about 3 months ago, saying he needed to be alone & free & to fix himself. Also, he had feelings for another woman…a woman who’s 18 years married, with 3 kids. They had a 2 month fling, but when her husband found out, she broke things off with him (my ex). (ETA : Also, she gave him mono, lol.) I never in my life saw this coming. I truly thought we were “in it together” for life, yet he literally left me on the floor screaming “why?!” I’ve been through more than my share of traumatic losses, but that was the worst for me. It’s taken some time, but I’ve “gotten over it”, to some degree. I have depression & anxiety though, so…when I’m in a depressed state, especially last week…the whole situation really bothers me. We’re trying to remain friends, but…it’s very difficult. I’m still holding some immense resentment for him leaving me, & for being pretty lazy throughout our relationship. But I can’t hate him. He’s always been, & still is, there for me. So, that’s that. lol

#2. After my ex left, I got in contact with some estranged family, & one of my cousins has been hanging out with me every weekend. So, by default, I’ve been hanging out with some of his friends. One of his friends in particular has a crush on me. We’ve been talking a lot, getting to know each other. So much so that, few times in our conversations, I’ve noticed some tears in the corners of his eyes. I adore the shit out of him, he’s really cool, & I’d love to be good friends with him. But he keeps trying to make out with me. lol! Now….I really don’t think he’s trying to take advantage of me, even though I’m almost always pretty drunk when he’s doing this, & he knows I’m vulnerable because of my ex; but I really think he’s just following his heart. He’s a bit of a free spirit, like I am. But he won’t listen when I say “you don’t wanna do this”, “I’m too messed up in the head right now”, “I’m not trying to play games with your head or heart”, “why can’t I just be friends with a guy without him feeling the urge to fall in love with me for a change?”, etc. I know I can’t get into anything with anyone right now, even a “friends with benefits” situation, because of #1 being so recent, & because of #3. I really enjoy making out with him lol, but there’s certainly no chance of a future with him for 100 reasons (one being that he’s 20+ years older than I am!) He’s very…passionate. And…”ballsy”, lol. I don’t think he’s been with anyone since his divorce 5 years ago, & he’s never slept with anyone but her…yet he’s confident enough to try to grab on to someone he clicks with immediately. And I like it. lol. I dunno. He’s a millionaire, so that’s always a cherry on top LOL! But, that’s not relevant, cuz it shouldn’t be. 10 years ago, if I were single, I wouldn’t hesitate much to jump on the “secret summer fling” bandwagon with him; the only hesitation would really be how it could effect each of our individual relationships with my family. He kinda knows how I feel, cuz he’s felt similarly, with his divorce…so, he wants me to relax & have fun, & I understand & agree; but I know I shouldn’t be having that much fun at this point in time LOL. I’m really glad I met him, & I hope he’s around for a long time. But I know I need to get him to stop crushing on me so hard; if only because #1 is too recent, & because #3 might be right around the corner…..

#3. *sigh* I met this guy about 10 years ago. He was a customer at a gas station I worked at for 7 years. By the time I started working there, I’d had to (try to) end enough drama coming from customers at other stores I’ve worked – “gas station is the new bartender”, lol / you can meet a lot of interesting people & hear lots of interesting stories as a gas station attendant. I’d made a rule for myself, not to befriend any more gas station customers. So….. I remember the day I met him. We didn’t hardly talk at all, but we certainly noticed each other. After one good look at him, I knew I was in trouble, lol! Totally my type – cute smile, cute clothes, colorful tattoos, & a “namaste” spark in his eyes, like our souls knew each other. He knew from the start that I was in a committed relationship & adamantly had no plans of leaving him. But we still got to know each other a little bit. I started bending my rule a little bit, & trying to be friends with him a little bit, but I kept him at quite a distance for about a year. Then one day he told me that he’d been having issues with some of his relationships, & decided to go to Iraq for a little bit to clear his head (he’s a 20+ year army vet). I made sure to remember when he said he was leaving, so that I could give him a hug & wish him well….but he didn’t give me the chance. So, I told the universe to wish him well & went on with my life. I quit that job for a year & worked elsewhere until things got a little screwy at that new job, & I ended up working back at the gas station more & more. I pretty much forgot he existed. Then he started popping up again. We started getting to know each other all over again. He was going through a crazy rough time before he started dating his ex girlfriend again, & so he started coming to me to vent about it. And, really…roughest time ever. None of it was my problem, but I was super stressed about everything just trying to figure out how to help. He a resilient SOB, lol!, & that really helped me get through my own tough times. Anyway, then he started dating his ex, & I started getting pushed to the backburner. Which, I completely understand, & was very patient for over 6 months before I said something. I felt like…we were becoming such close friends, & I was eager to put forth the effort at that point, but then she came back into his life, & he had no time or energy for me anymore. I felt like…we were building something, & he got super distracted. So, I was pretty depressed one day, & it was bothering me, & he noticed, so I said something. And I probably didn’t word it very well; I’ll readily admit that. So, he didn’t talk to me for almost a year, despite my efforts to apologize & make amends. Then one night, he sent me an “apology day” text; I wonder if I was the only one he texted, but we chatted a little bit for a few days. A couple months later, he saw me near my store one day, & we started talking again. Immediately, I was scared he was gonna leave again. I decided to try to build this friendship as much as I could, while I could. Because I cared. He’s absolutely one of my favorite people that I’ve met in life, so I wanted to have as much fun as I could. For about 2 months, we texted each other every day; often, all day. He opened his home to me, “what’s mine is yours, always has been”, & I tried not to take advantage, & tried to figure out how to make that offer worth his while (cleaning, etc…didn’t actually get around to starting, but the intention was there lol). Most importantly, I tried to hang out with him as much as I possibly could, if even just for an hour or so after work to try to cheer him up. He took me to a restaurant / flea market, then some shops by the beach, then a harbor, & then ice cream the one day. I took him to a waterfall & a froyo shop, hehe. We sat around & he made me watch baseball (I am a very patient woman lol). And it was all fun. All the while… trying to make sure I wasn’t hurting my (now ex) fiance, trying to make sure I wasn’t hurting him, & dealing with a whole lot of stress of my own. 2 lovely months.. One week he says “I’m working on being IN love with you…get over it”, & the next he says “how dare you patronize me with I love yous & I care about yous, & if you’re not patronizing then you’re (effed) up, leave me alone”. We had gotten into an argument 5 days before that last text. I was depressed, & trying to talk to him about it. He said something that sparked what I thought was just a debate about depression, ADHD, psychology, & psychiatry. However, throughout the conversation, I insisted this wasn’t a good debate for text message & that I wasn’t in the state of mind to be capable of having it properly in the first place. But it kept coming up, either he’d bring it up or I would, for 5 days. Finally, I basically said “I’m coming over to fix this because this is ridiculous & I’m scared you’re going to disappear on me for no good reason”, which turned into a “no way I’m letting you come over here for an argument” argument. Though I wasn’t looking for an argument, I wanted to explain my fault in the situation. I basically said “I genuinely love you, I care about you, I don’t understand why you’re this upset with me or why you won’t meet me halfway, but I’m here when you want to work it out, I hope it doesn’t take long”. I was trying to be compassionate, though I can see how that could be misconstrued as condescending when in an emotional state. So…..that was almost 5 years ago. 5 years. And I think about him every day. For, like, 7 years now, ever since he really started opening up to me. It’s been heartbreaking. I truly, genuinely, always loved him. Ever since that I saw that “namaste” spark, even though I wouldn’t let myself invest in it much at first. I wonder how he’s doing. Constantly. Wish I could talk to him, to get some unique perspective on things. I miss his hugs, his smile; his support, & respectfulness. Our mutual adoration. For 2 months, everything was awesome; & he walked away from it all via text. I’ve tried to be respectful of the fact that he said “leave me alone”, but I have tried a few times to apologize; I’m pretty sure he blocked my number, & blocked me on Twitter, & Instagram. He went from loving me dearly, to cutting me out of his life completely. To some degree, he became “just another brick in the wall”, and I’ve certainly moved on with my life, but…he deliberately got himself so lodged in my head, that I can’t shake him. So…here I am now, almost 5 years later. When #1 left, I was completely devastated & alone. I wanted nothing more than to run into the arms of #3. Or at least vent to him. But I knew that wouldn’t be right, either way. A week or so after the breakup, I decided I needed something to look forward to, so I looked up his favorite band (which I grew to like quite a bit myself), & found that they’re playing a show nearby…this weekend. So, I bought a ticket, for the real reason of having something to look forward to. I have no one to go with (though #2 did offer lol!), so I bought pepper spray because I intend to go alone, & be the independent woman I know I am despite my anxiety & depression. I intend to have only a couple beers (& maybe a shot lol), because I intend to keep my wits about me while being able to enjoy the show & get my fellow patrons dancing, because that’s what I always used to do. There’s, like, a 90% chance he’ll be there. Possibly with at least one of his kids. Maybe he has a girlfriend now, who knows? If he is there, he may not even see me. And I intend to respectfully leave him alone & do my own thing, if I even see him. But I won’t be looking. Though I do hope he sees me, & I do hope he chooses to say something to me. My cousin & his friends are more his generation, & I think he’d have a blast hanging out with everyone (I don’t think #2 would get upset, but I don’t know); I think at least one of his kids would have fun too. That’s all I can really hope for, beyond him choosing to talk to me again. I was always hypothetically scared of a real relationship with him, mostly because he keeps getting upset & disappearing on me, & in part because a have a genetic reason for a sense of urgency in my life…I still wanna have a kid, & he’s done with that shizz lol. I know I can’t even fathom a real, functional relationship for myself right now, so soon after #1, not to mention that it wouldn’t be fair to him, to be with me while I’m still trying to deal with that. But I figure this is my only chance; I’ll throw the line out & see if he bites, for the chance to at least meet some new people & share some fun. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t. I can’t let myself be too disappointed, especially not after 5 years.

So, I’m nervous about what the weekend may bring, first with #2, & then with #3. There’s no easy answers for anything, not that I really have any questions. I guess I just wanted to share the novella that is my current relationship situation, lol. I usually avoid drama like the plague, yet here I am with some interesting situations. And, really, all of these things are the least of my concerns; just the tip of the iceberg, haha. But…I dunno. I hope it was a good read at least, & I’ll keep you guys posted lol!

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