Blegh

Well, camping was fun. It kinda snapped me out of my funk while I was there, a little bit. I was still pretty consumed by anxiety, but at least I wasn’t miserable the whole time.

I think my cousin’s friend really likes me. I stayed up chatting with him alone for 4 hours this weekend. Well, chatting, making out, & pushing him off me, haha. Every week, I keep telling him I don’t wanna do this, I shouldn’t be doing this with my state of mind, I’m not trying to fuck with your head, I don’t need you falling for me, etc. He’s not trying to be creepy or overbearing or anything. He backs off…& then comes right back, lol. He just seems like he really likes me. He’s been trying to put together all these random pieces of my life that he’s been getting out of me. He went to the store with me when my cousin asked me to go get salad for dinner, & then made dinner with me, trying to make sure it was ready in time for me to eat before I had to leave, & then gave me a couple of good sized steaks to take home. Offered to go with me to concerts, or whatever, if I didn’t wanna go alone. I keep telling him…I’m down for friends, but I don’t want friends with sexy benefits lolol. I explained that I feel like I can’t be friends with a guy because everyone just first wants to bang me, & then they fall in love with me, & I don’t want any of that. I just wanna fucking chill. Why can’t I just fucking chill, lol. So…how do I feel about him?? I think he’s a sweetheart. He’s very interesting, lol. He tries to be very kind & helpful toward the people he cares about, to a fault at times. …..He randomly said he’s gonna move to Australia, cuz the offer’s been on the table for a long time from an old friend of his. But he’s never even visited. He kept saying “I have nothing for me here”. I don’t know, but I think he was just trying to see what I would say. Cuz I’m sure not about to say “oh no, stay for me” lol. But I did point out his daughter, his multitude of friends who adore him, his insanely complex home, his mother & siblings, & the fact that he just started expanding his bar at the house. Maybe he was just in a mood? I know his ex wife has been bugging him quite a bit. I dunno. I was saying….. He seems like a really good guy. I’m not 100% sure if he’s just fucking with me, but I don’t think guys usually bring up the shit in their past & shed a few tears just to try to fuck a girl lol. But he definitely did shed a few tears during our conversation; really caught me off guard, heh. He also keeps mentioning he’s never been with anyone but his ex-wife. So, I don’t think he’s been in a relationship at all since they broke up 5 years ago. And she’s been trying to get back with him, even though she’s the one who left him for someone else in the first place. But he doesn’t want her anymore. She fucked up. And it’s been too long. Even though the comfort of complacency is tempting, since he’s never been with anyone else. Then again, she was also trying to bang my cousin, his friend.  …..Anyway, how do I feel about him?!? I wanna be friends. He’s not really my type, though he is kinda cute. He’s too tall, too skinny. And, I hate to say it, too old for me. He’s 20+ years older than me. His daughter is a year younger than me. With thinking that the ALS gene is waiting to “go off” in my blood, I kinda have to have a sense of urgency in my life. I can’t “waste my time” with relationships that aren’t going to amount to a ring on my finger & a kid in a couple-a few years. And he’s definitely done having kids at his age, lol! He’s looking for grandkids at this point. So…yeah. I like hanging out with him though. He’s fun. He likes to live life, as do I. And he’s fun to make out with, lol! Very passionate, very good kisser. I adore the shit out of him, but I can’t let things go too far. I guess that’s it, heh.

My mind’s all over the place today. He reminds me a lot of “old friend”. So, he’s on my mind a lot too. Now I’ve got ex texting me… He first said he wanted to come over to talk about things, but now he just wants to text & explain how he feels about everything. This should be interesting….. I’m nervous to see what he says. I kinda don’t care at this point, but I guess I kinda do. I don’t know. I’m afraid he’s gonna say something to set my mood on a downhill spiral. But should I even care? I vented to him before camping about how he left me just like everyone else does, & I’m meant to be alone because I’m obviously not worth loving. And we didn’t really talk for a couple days after that. And I didn’t care in the slightest, cuz I’ve got plenty else going on, heh. But right now, I’m bouncing off the walls with all this shit in my head. Good shit, but distracting regardless. I’ve been trying to get focused enough to do something for at least 3 hours, but I can’t. I’m too damn wound up. And now, I can’t wait to see what ex says….. I don’t even wanna think about it. I just wanna float around in my good vibes….. Same shit. He loves & misses me, but he doesn’t know what he wants. He feels guilty, it was all his fault, but maybe we just need to breathe a while. He never said he doesn’t ever wanna give it another shot. He just doesn’t know what he wants with anything right now. Whatever. Really, he wants to be free & alone & grow. And he can’t do that while in a relationship with me. He wants to fix himself up a bit, & try dating other people, at least for now. Ok. Whatever. I’ve got other shit on my mind anyway. Working things out hasn’t even been a consideration in at least a couple weeks. I feel the same, despite the occasional devastation bubbling up in my depression – I wanna find someone who cares enough to light my fire, ya know? I don’t wanna burden “old friend” or anyone with the mess in my mind right now, but at the same time, I’d love to date him, & for everything to work out beautifully & flawlessly in time. Get married, have a kid, his temper cooled down, but with his Leo love of life firing bright. I don’t know if that’s a possibility. Honestly, I don’t think it is. But it’s the only hope I’ve got right now, so I’m rolling with it, heh. I at least hope to hang out with him a bit this summer, & maybe bang it out once or twice, lol. That’d be nice at least. But who knows. The only chance I’ve got is if I see him at the concert in less than a week (EEK!)…rather, if he sees me & chooses to say something to me. Because he told me to leave him alone, and I’ve done that as much as I’ve been able to the past 5 years, I won’t go up to him. But I’ll be there if he’s willing. If he’s even there, & if he even sees me. I know I can’t count on it. I know I have to plan to go there & have fun for myself, with myself. And I do. But a girl can dream, eh?

Ugh…we’re still discussing this shit, ex & I. I gotta wind it down. I gotta wind my mind down. It’s almost 5pm, &…I haven’t done much other than spin around in my head. I don’t really want to do anything though…

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