Still sad.

So very sad. The breakup is what’s been plaguing me this time. I feel like, in my head, I’m still on the floor like the pathetic worthless shit I am, crying, screaming, begging him not to leave. I feel hopeless, like my whole life was ripped away from me. And now he has mono – even if we did ever make up, I can’t even kiss him without getting horribly sick. We won’t make up. I shouldn’t be with anyone; I should die alone & young, cuz those are the cards I’ve been dealt. I’ve always been alone. No siblings, no family around, all my fucking life. I’m supposed to be alone. And to suffer in mourning my losses as long as I live. Alone. And quietly, cuz no one fucking cares anyway. I’m a lost cause. All he did was reinforce my shitty beliefs. I’m truly hopeless now.

I vented to him a bit yesterday. (Ex.) It must’ve upset him cuz I haven’t heard from him since. I told him he dropped me on my ass like everyone does because I’m worthless trash, & that I’m foolish for thinking anyone would ever truly love me because I’m not worth shit to anyone. He put more effort & money & passion into his two month fling with mono bitch than he ever did with me. It was just me struggling all along, & he never fucking gave a shit. I wanna beat the both of them within inches of their lives. I wanna see his face bloody & bruised. Because he fucking deserves it. For trying to kill someone who’s already dead inside….. I’m getting a bit off the rails…

Nothing to do today. Cuz I can’t focus on anything besides my misery & pain. Think I’m going “camping” tonight. Can’t foresee that going well, but whatever. Who gives a fuck. At least I won’t be drinking at home alone, at risk of another destructive temper tantrum.


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