Sad & scared,

ever since last night.

Yesterday ended up ok. I took some Xanax, & it allowed me to focus enough to get some chores done. Ex came over for a few hours & watched some ST:TNG with me. He needed to vent cuz he had his ex girlfriend on his mind. And I sucked it up & tried to help, & offered advice where I could. It was pretty exhausting after a while, though, especially considering my own depression has been creeping in.

Well, it’s in. Heh. Today I have to go to the res after my doctor’s appointment. Doc is why I’m scared – we’ll be discussing the results of my blood test & heart monitor. I’ll definitely be taking some Xanax before I go, heh. I didn’t see too much on my blood work – cold sore herpes, high cholesterol…something a little off with my hemoglobin, & my RBCs are a bit big. No idea about the heart monitor results yet. I don’t wanna deal with this shit. I don’t feel like I can right now. But I don’t have a fucking choice.

As for the sad… I’m meant to die alone. I shouldn’t ever be in another relationship. I’ll never be able to trust anyone ever again, nor should I. Never did in the first place, because I know I’m not important enough to be worth shit to anyone. Everyone just throws me aside like trash when they’re done using me. That’s all I’m here for.

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