Ex & I blasted through the new season of Orange is the New Black in 3 days, heh. He’s still pretty sick (over 2 weeks now), so he went back to the doctor today, & had to go to my old hospital for a chest x-ray & bloodwork. I’m…on my way down.
Yesterday wasn’t too bad. Therapy was fine. Though, still pretty pointless, in my opinion. I love my therapist, but…I don’t feel like we’re doing anything, really. Though, I can’t imagine what could be done anyway. Then I went to Wal-Mart. I saw one of my old customers, who has schizophrenia. I watched that poor guy suffer for 7 years before he found some medication that helped him, & it seems to still be helping. So, that made me really happy.
But, like I’ve been saying, I’m on my way down into depression. If I’m not distracted by something fun, I’m sinking into sadness. Within the next couple days I assume, I won’t even be able to distract myself. My therapist said it seems like I’m almost constantly battling my thoughts & emotions, trying to make them acceptable to myself. She asked if I ever tried just accepting them, or exploring them. Yes. I think that’s how I ended up with my general malaise. “Why am I feeling this way? Oh, well….(insert 500 reasons that have built up throughout my life)”. I feel like I’m reliving my life’s devastations repeatedly, but only emotionally. Then the negative thoughts come swirling up. For example, right now…I haven’t done much productive the past few days. What little I’ve done, doesn’t feel like anything. I’ve made no progress with anything. Even trying to control where I’m at & where I’m going, getting an idea of what I could-should do…is a daunting task. No matter what I do, I feel like I’m getting nowhere. And I feel like a failure for it. I feel like I’m not allowed to take a break. I’m not allowed to be so selfish. I gotta push through. But to where?! That was another thing my therapist was mentioning…I grew up with as much stability as my parents could give me, but I still dealt with a lot of loss, so I feel the need to control as much as I can. But I’m a small-statured woman with a curve in her spine & a glitch in her heart….I can only do so much, & I don’t have much help. I feel so alone. And overwhelmed. But when I ask myself why I’m sad…it’s because my fiance left me outta nowhere after 11 years, for a woman who doesn’t even want him, and because I’m a burden. “The burdens of everything” he said, which translates in my mind as “I’m a fucking burden, no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I’m just a fucking burden. I’m not worth anyone’s time, energy, or love. I was meant to be alone, before I was even conceived.” I know these things aren’t realistic, they’re only pessimistic, & serve me no useful purpose. But they sure are a part of my “core beliefs”.
So, I’m either gonna crack a beer or take a Xanax (one or the other!), & see if it helps…..