I can’t believe it’s actually been a few days… I am still alive though, no worries lol. It’s been fucking rough though…

Last time I posted was Monday afternoon (& now is….Friday night)… Monday night, my depression encouraged me to take 3 shots of Fireball whisky & drink 2 beers, which caused me to be productive for about an hour, & then extremely destructive for like 4 hours – I kicked the door off my closet (which I wanted off anyway, lol), punched the wall a few times & bruised my hand pretty good, broke my PS4 remote, threw my phone at the window a few times, & then started tearing up paper (first my infamous lists, then the remaining pages in me & the ex’s scrapbooks, then random blank pieces of paper, just to keep my hands busy). Oh, & I (very lightly, and only symbolically) cut myself a few times. For the first time in about 8 years, which was for some of the same reasons; nothing too brutal, just enough to break skin. And sting like fuckin’ hell for a couple days. I’m not really even ashamed that I did it. More relieved, because I’d been wanting to pretty badly for almost 2 months. I think my current stress levels justify one a decade / I think I got it out of my system, lol. Whatever.

So, Tuesday… Ex came over to help my father in & out the shower. And he ended up taking care of me, my mess, & all my responsibilities that I was struggling to get out of bed to work on. Like a fucking angel. He swept & vacuumed up my shredded paper covered floor. Went & got us Arby’s. Hung out with me for several hours. That’s love. That’s what I need. Relationship or not, that’s what I need once in a while. It was very very nice. He even cuddled me a little bit; I didn’t wanna move, ever, but my arm still hurts, heh.

Didn’t do tooo much Wednesday, but I did get some chores done.

Thursday…UGGGGGH. I went to my first doctor’s appointment in…I don’t even know how long. Back story : I lost my health insurance when my mom had to go on disability when I was 14. Since then, (I’m 32 now) : I’ve been to urgent care once at about 25 for a bitchin’ cold & was prescribed a steroid, went to a preliminary doctor’s appointment & was kinda scared off around 28, & checked in to my ER for a “strained paralumbar spinal muscle” & was given a shot of Toradol (which did nothing). That’s the extent of my formal health care over the past 18 years, because I’ve practically been living in poverty. I feel like hell quite often. So, now I’m trying to get some things taken care of before Trump takes away my access to help (which I hear, the earliest anything could possibly happen is November). Boy…as though I didn’t already have enough lists, this doctor’s appointment gave me a whole new list. Ready? Well, of course, I have to have bloodwork & a UA done, & return in a month to see what I could get done. And, bear in mind I have to make sure all this stuff, even her referrals, is covered by my insurance, & to what degree (which I spent an hour or so working on earlier today…& some of her referrals didn’t seem to be). Ready? lol! I now have an official “thoracic scoliosis” diagnosis from a DO; she wants me to get a spinal x-ray, & also have a PT evaluation & treatment (I want them to teach me more useful yoga lol, & maybe figure out exactly what’s up with my muscles). My EKG was slightly abnormal, so she wants me to wear a holter monitor for a day, to see if it catches any palpitations. And she thinks my tummy problems may be anxiety related, but she said we could pursue a GI specialist just to make sure, if my labs don’t make any suggestions. I also have to go to a GYN, but that’s the least of my worries right now, lol. Panicked pretty bad after I got out of that office. Ex was there for me. Had to go to Best Buy for a new remote; did a pretty decent job of not having an anxiety attack, though I kept getting hit with waves. Met ex at my house to drop off weed, & he went with me to the car wash, grocery store, get cigarettes, & he drove us out to his place & back to mine cuz I needed his PS4 controller to set up my remote, heh. I had some semi-flavorless “bourbon street shredded chicken” going in the crockpot, so ex joined me for dinner, & hung out for a little bit longer. It was nice. LOL… He actually gave me the best advice I’ve ever heard… he kept telling me not to worry about all the shit I have to do, & when I start trying to, “just beat off”. LOL. Seriously. And silly-ly, lol. Undeniably, a pleasurable distraction, if you can manage to get distracted enough, lol!

And today… Woke up super panicky, & it quickly kicked my fucking ass. After 3 hours, all I’d managed to do was eat a half a cup noodle, cry, & freak out; I couldn’t bear to face the day. I had a crazy sinus headache too; probably from the barometric pressure dropping the temperature 30* overnight. So, I took my Zyrtec, then a couple ibuprofin, & then I ended up taking the little nub I had left from that half Xanax ex gave me like 2 months ago. Man, that fucking Xanax. LOL! I can see why it’s not to be tampered with, heh. Within 15 minutes, I calmed right down. I could focus, & start gearing up to do what I had to do. And I did it all with clarity, confidence, & strength. Fucking. Amazing. Called & got my goddamn mower back. It sounds like the engine wants to take a shit, but at least it runs for now lol (so I don’t have to push mow with my scoliosis, lol … & the fact that I’m apparently underweight, despite how much I eat sometimes, heh). Then, I took my father to get his blood test done, which, very much to my surprise, took all of 5 minutes, & the woman was very pleasant. lol! Told him my cousins want him to come camping, & couldn’t convince him to approve; I made what effort I’m capable of & willing to do, so…yup, that’s that, lol. After I came home, I took a 30 minute nap, made a small cup of coffee, & worked on re-writing my lists (the organized & slightly condensed version of my 100+ item “mega list”). And added a “doctor to dos” list.

I wish I knew how to relax…


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