Fuck everything.

Situation (who, what when where) : Post-therapy, but unrelated (started days before)

Feelings : 0 depressed / devastated

Thoughts : I’m meant to be alone. I’ll never make enough progress.

Evidence for :

  • I’m meant to be alone : Everyone disappears on me, either through choice or through death. I’m a burden & a pain in the ass, with all these needs that I can’t express, & this overwhelming list of bullshit. Nobody else should have to go through this with me, just because I’m too weak to do it myself. And I shouldn’t talk to people when I’m super depressed, because nobody wants to hear it.
  • I’ll never make enough progress : My lists are too long, & too overwhelming. I don’t know how to do a lot of stuff, & I’m not physically able to do a lot of stuff on my own; “I just gotta learn” & “I just gotta push through the pain”, but I’ve felt up to my ribs in my own grave for too long, “just gotta”-ing. Like I’m trying to swim in quick sand.

Evidence against :

  • I’m meant to be alone : No one is; we are a social species. It’s just hard to find good people who have a lot of time on their hands, & it’s hard to find the “unique” people who fit your personality. But they’re out there.
  • I’ll never make enough progress : Perhaps you’re keeping your standards too high. Progress is progress, you just need to manage pri… (I just “just gotta”d myself)… Priorities need to be managed, & kept up with. A lot of progress has been made already; “it doesn’t matter how slow you go, so long as you do not stop”.

(I disagree with the evidence against, but at least the effort eased my tension / distracted me enough for me to calm down for now.)

“The Work”

I’m a burden.

  1. I feel that it’s true.
  2. I can’t speak for other people.
  3. I feel depressed. Weak. Lonely. I get a little panicky. I withdraw from people. I wallow in my misery.
  4. I would be able to know what I need, & ask for help as appropriate. I would be confident, assertive, & independent. I may even feel like progress is being made.
  5. I’m not a burden. I do nice things for those who have offered support (share food, make crafts, cleaning). I don’t ask for much (I don’t ask for enough!). I do a lot.
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