can’t take much more…

Well, I push mowed almost half of the front lawn before wanting to die yesterday. My hands & back still hurt. Ex came over, in response to my distress, & mowed the other half & some of the backyard, while I pulled vines & dead foliage off of some of my rocks. Then, I made lunch, & we went out & started a lil fire & had a couple marshmallows heh. And I had 2 beers, heh. He said he has a 6 page thread on some relationship forum, getting lots of “good advice”… Lucky him. I’m still stuck, alone & lost. I have people offering help…(soon)3/4 of those people work at least full time, & the 4th is in her 60’s & hasn’t offered to help with anything in 2 months. I don’t know what to ask who for help with; I just have lists on top of lists, which means nothing will ever get done, not enough progress will be made, & I’m too weak for my responsibilities. My stomach is getting fucky. I’m tired, sad, & overwhelmed. And, really, still alone. No advice, no assistance. Just suffering, & rotting. When I was venting to ex, before he came over, he kept asking “do you want me to come over & help?” FUCK YOU. YOU SHOULD ALREADY BE HERE, WHY ARE YOU EVEN ASKING?!? I told him only if he brings a gun. I’m not gonna ask for help, when he’s not doing anything but laying around the house asking me if I want help. Get off your lazy selfish ass & get over here & help every chance you get before you’re working full time, you fucking asshole. Fuck your wallowing in your self loathing; I DON’T GET THAT OPTION, selfish prick. Glad you’re getting support. Fucking asshole. I can’t wait to die. Alone. As I should.

God. Therapy is gonna be a nightmare today. A pointless fucking nightmare. I’m already crying & lost. So, I gotta do that, & then I have a bit of shopping to do later. My back hurts, my mind hurts, & I’m tired. But…Fuck my needs. They don’t matter. I have things to do.

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