still spiraling down

My mind is burdened with “just gottas”, & it makes me only want to die. Cuz that’s what I’ve been doing for too long, is telling myself “baby steps”, “just gotta do this”, “these are my priorities”. Everything’s completely scrambled. The suggestions from my cousin, & I know he’s just trying to help… I’m so far beyond “just gottas”. My brain is a nightmare. His suggestions… I gotta get a job, I gotta get the mortgage sorted out, I gotta get the holes in the attic fixed, & I gotta get the fireplace fixed. Those are my priorities. I’m frozen with all of these things. The mere thought of getting a job scares the fuck out of me because of my depression & anxiety. I have to get a POA form notarized with my father to start sorting out his mortgage; however, when I mentioned it, like, a year ago, he said “what do we need that for?! Baaahh!”, like it’s nothing to be concerned about. So, I’m hesitant to even begin that process, even though I know I have to. I think my cousin said he could get some pine & work on the holes in the attic…though, he can’t even get to most of them until I clear the hoard out of those areas. The fireplace, he said I have to call someone about. To do what, replace the casing & clean/repair the pipe? Who do I call? I just gotta figure it out. A hundred “just gottas”, & “priorities”…aren’t any help. Heh. They certainly don’t calm me down or give me any reassurance. They just remind me how overwhelmed I am.

Anyway… So, I wasn’t as hungover today as I’ve been, lol. Still a bit miserable. Watched most of “I, Robot”. The neighbor made lunch, & my other cousin stopped out for a bit with his kids. Then the neighbor & my cousin mowed the lawn, while I cleaned up a lil in my cousin’s camper, & the neighbor’s bar, haha. I hung out with his cat a lil bit, & then their friend stopped by with his kid, so I hung out with them a little. Then I mowed a bit. Then we went to town to get stuff for the mowers & the plants. Fed the plants. Stopped by some hole in the wall for dinner on the way home; had a (slightly disappointing) chicken finger sub, which I don’t have often enough, haha. Picked up his friend, who’s crazy lol, but seems kinda cool lol. Stopped by his ma’s to get leftover goulash & drop me off. She gave me a LOT, lol. And she said she liked my cacciatore, hehe. As soon as I got in my car, I started crying. Back to my shitty life, not that it ever really escapes me.

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