F.

I don’t even know what to say. About anything anymore. 

I’m camping. Just me and my cousin tonight, cuz the neighbor might not have came home tonight, & we’re a lil worried about him. But we called it a night around 3:30. We went across the street and hung out with the early 20s bonfire party for a lil while. Then we went back into the neighbors bar for a while. Had some conversations.. But they were drunk conversations.. so they didn’t always make sense. Lol. I cried a lot. I’m still crying. And not for any reason other than depression. I literally don’t even know what I’m crying about anymore. He asked why I’m so emotional; If it’s because I don’t trust his support. But I do. I just don’t know… how to show that. I don’t know why I’m so emotional…I just am. He said I’m weird. Haha. I know; that’s why I have anxiety. 

I keep getting distracted. A dog keeps barking across the street. I’m cold all the time for no reason. I’m still crying, heh. He said he wants me to get a job. It took me a few minutes to even write that sentence, with the anxiety the thought of it causes. And the following guilt & shame, of course. I absolutely can’t yet. I, too often, can’t control my tears. Or my breathing. And I don’t know what to do. Except at least try not to shut down, regardless of how much I want to sometimes. 

Idfk. I’m drunk. Alone, even though I know I’m not  (just grieving the loss of my ideas for the future with ex). Tired. Very fucking sad. Stupid. Naive. Weak. Worthless…..

Need to think happy thoughts, and go the fuck to bed…..

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