sad.

Not entirely sure why. Depression storm is a brewin’; I can feel it. I already want to withdraw- curl up in a ball beneath my bed for a week or so, however long it takes. But I have to force myself out. I have a busy week ahead. Camping tomorrow night (but I’m definitely taking the following weekend off, since I’m sure I’ll be physically sick by then). Therapy, meet my new doctor, & bring my father in for a blood test. To me, that’s busy. And nerve racking. And I’m dreading all of it, even the camping, unfortunately. Not for any reason other than my mind feels like hell.

Anyway… tried to go for a hike with “new old friend” today, but most of the trail was washed out. Sucky. So, we hung out, smoked, & watched “Sorry Bro” & Kenny vs Spenny on YouTube, haha. Then I went to WalMart. My anxiety’s been icky all day, so I practically ran out of WalMart, haha. Ugh. I kept running into a couple of my old customers; they’re nice guys, I just couldn’t hardly handle it, heh. I hope I didn’t act weird. To them, or “new old friend”. Whatever. Deep breaths. Heh. Ex told me one of his old friends, a dude I knew a lil from where he & I met, died from an OD. The guy survived cancer, then dealt with a (presumably horrible) breakup, then got arrested for drug-related stuff, & now he’s gone. Just awful.

Fuck. I keep forgetting I threw chicken cacciatore in the crockpot before I left. I set it out to cool before I throw it in the fridge. I can’t forget to throw it in the fridge, lol, even though I’m ready for bed. Planned on making rice & portioning it all out to freeze / give to people. Not happening tonight, heh.

This “storm brewing”… Well, what I’m feeling right now is more overtired. When I’m overtired, I get depressed. Not really “negative thoughts” depressed, though. It’s weird. I just feel devastated. For no reason. As though I’m reliving my life’s grief, emotionally. I used to tell ex that the devastation feels like I’d come home from a long night at work & found that the house had burned down with him, the cats, & my father trapped inside. That’s not really an image in my head, or an anxiety or phobia really, or anything specific like that…just an emotion. A powerful one. And it sucks. So…I’m gonna put my cacciatore away LOL & go to bed, & hope I feel a little better the next couple days. (I’m scared.)

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