Bbbbleh

It’s been a few days. Sorry. Lemme see… The last time I wrote was Friday, & today’s Tuesday…

Friday night, we went out to the land & partied til 6am again, lol. Got my period at my aunt’s, before we left, of course, lol. So, Saturday, I’d only gotten 4 hours of sleep, had my period, was dehydrated & getting 3 new cold sores (when I’d just gotten over 2), & then spent like 5 hours helping plant trees & bushes. Digging holes & shit. While my mind was being an asshole. So, that was a bad day. I don’t even remember Sunday..I don’t think I did anything. Yesterday, I had a short therapy appointment – only 45 minutes for some reason, then 15 minutes of me trying to piss in a cup while watching my heart trying to beat out of my chest for no reason. We decided we’d go with once every 2 weeks, & see how that goes; I think I might have too much going on to only be seen twice a month, & I don’t think we’re really making any progress. Though, that was technically my first “treatment” appointment. I’m getting a medical evaluation later this month so I can get anxiety meds; hopefully that’ll help. After therapy, I went to WalMart. It seemed like a hurricane was coming, it was so rainy & windy. I had a rain jacket on & I was still soaked. Didn’t do much else, besides talk to (ex)Hubby…

Oh yeah, he came over Sunday (was it Sunday? It must’ve been.) He was stressing & wanted some smokes. And I gave him a little leftover food cuz he’s broke as fuck. (At least he’s not draining my money anymore.) He’s failing his math class for the second time, & has little faith in his curriculum. And he’s having problems with his girlfriend, lol. He said he wasn’t gonna bother with her anymore, cuz he didn’t want me to freak out & put her head through her windshield or something…but I kinda knew they were still screwing around. Well, the other morning, her husband went through her phone & found their conversations. He told her to get out of the house. Then, yesterday, he texted (ex)Hubby to tell him she wants to work on her relationship with her husband of 18 years, & to leave her alone & give them a chance. As it should fuckin’ be. Just cuz he’s too lazy & horny to work on our relationship doesn’t mean that’s the right way to do things. She’d told him a bunch of times that she was gonna leave her husband & shit; “big talker” he said. Yeah, it’s not that easy for most people to abandon a loved one like he did to me. I’m sure she wasn’t just playing him intentionally, but she obviously doesn’t know what the fuck she’s doing with herself or the people around her. He said that she’s told him like 8 times “we can’t do this anymore”, but they both just liked each other’s attention too much to stick with it. Personally, I think he’s an ignorant fucking asshole for all this. He feels bad for ruining everyone’s lives – mine, his, her’s, her husband’s, almost her children’s – but he can’t stop himself. So, maybe not ignorant, but very very very selfish. Very. Though I should’ve known that over the 10 years he’s hardly paid for anything, & rarely ever put any effort into anything in our relationship (romance, sex, goals, trips, food, etc). He knows he’s selfish. His needs are more important to him than anyone else’s, while everyone else’s needs are more important to me than my own (which is what my therapist wants to work on with me, most importantly). We had no balance there. So, I’m glad her hubby found out, & I’m glad he wasn’t rude at all in dealing with (ex)Hubby (cuz I kept myself from saying anything to her, knowing I’d call her an ignorant selfish cuntrag piece of shit), & I’m glad she’s gonna work on her marriage cuz she fuckin’ should & I’ve been saying that ever since (ex)Hubby started telling me about her. I told him all that too. I’m. Fuckin’. Glad. Cuz he deserves it. And I hope it sticks. Even though they’re both shitty people to be in a relationship with, & they probably deserve each other. (Have fun raising those kids you never wanted, asshole.)

Anyway… I told him I’ve got a 90% friend perspective with him, & a 10% ex perspective. So, I understand & have compassion for his situations, & it truly does kill me to know how much pain he’s been in for the past few months from 200 degrees of stress, BUT…10% fuck him, he deserves it, cuz he’s a selfish piece of shit. I never would’ve pulled this shit with “old friend”, no matter how much I adored & admired & respected that man. And lusted over him. Occasionally lol. (He was nice eye candy, c’mon! lol!) Never would’ve pulled this shit, because I’m not fucking selfish like that. I was always too concerned with hurting everyone; (Ex)Hubby was too, but chose to take the chance. Bad move, bruh. Bad fuckin’ move. And I knew it would be.

Anyway lol… He’s supposed to come over after school to help my father get a shower. I’m so pissed that chick didn’t follow up with me about that. But whatever. Gotta try again with her, I guess. Hmph. And they’re supposed to come & pick up my riding mower today, but…I don’t know when. Probably never, knowing them. I guess they’re supposed to call, but…around when?!? Good thing I don’t have any plans. They probably won’t come anyway. Though I sure fuckin’ hope they do, cuz I don’t know who else to call… Ugh. Otherwise, all I really have to do today is clean the bathroom. And vacuum. I need to figure out how to relax. Playing tablet games is a nice distraction for the most part, but it’s not very relaxing. I struggle watching tv & movies cuz my mind’s all over the place; I can’t concentrate. Even if I’m physically relaxing, my mind isn’t. And I need to figure out how to do that…

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