Wow..

I don’t know where to start…just cuz Ex just told me he might actually be going to therapy this month. It’s about fucking time. (For the both of us.)

Anyway… Therapy was kinda fun yesterday. It was just me & her; the social worker couldn’t make it, & so she was a little more relaxed herself. I think I’m one of her favorite patients… when I’m not a crying panicky mess LOL. She said I make her laugh, & she said I have a lot of nervousness in my laugh. We (I think kinda randomly) got into all the loss I’ve experienced in my life, & she said that provides a lot of insight into my anxiety & depression, & a bit of numbness toward relationships & loss. (There was a lot of loss, starting quite young.) After that, I went to WalMart; got into a quick cute conversation with a handsome friendly young man, lol. Came home & got through to the cardiologist; I think I go in next week for my 24 hour monitor. Mowed the lawn, so that made me happy. And that’s about it. Except for the letter I got from the electric company, offering condolences for my mom’s passing, & saying they’ll shut the power off if we don’t switch the name within the next couple weeks. Funny, she’s been dead almost 18 years LOL; my father just never switched it to his name cuz he’s a lazy turd. I wonder how they’re just finding out now.

Today, I gotta go get my blood test / UA done. I might take another halfa Xanax & try to get my X-Ray done today too. And call the electric company later. I’m hungry, but my blood test is 12 hour fasting. And it’s been almost 12 hours. So, I should get in the shower so I can shove a burger in my face after the blood test, haha.

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Tired.

Well, my cousin didn’t come over yesterday. Big surprise there. He’s aggravating. Glad I didn’t tidy up too much in anticipation, but I was definitely getting ready. Ex even came over to help me set up the tv in the living room. Which was nice cuz I ended up enjoying it for a little bit last night, haha. So, I ended up cleaning the house a bit.

Today, I have therapy & then I’ve gotta go to the store. After I get home, I may try calling the cardiologist again. Or I’ll wait til tomorrow, we’ll see. My stomach’s bothering me a bit for some reason, though my anxiety is just starting to swell. I woke up early for some reason. So, I’m tired. And I kinda just wanna go back to bed. I gotta take some Xanax before I leave, cuz I think I might need it heh.

Family pains, heh

My (less favorite) cousin is a pain in my ass. Heh. He’s really high strung. I wish I knew when he planned on coming over today. Though, knowing him, he might not come out. I just wish I knew so I can start tidying up. Do I need to make my room comfortable for the kids? Do I even need to clean anything? Should I get in the shower now? It’s like his brain was taken over by the tazmanian devil as a baby, & it sets off my anxiety. Like with him trying to get my father to come camping…is he trying to give me an ulcer? Heh.

So, I guess I’m gonna tidy a bit. We’ll see what today brings, heh….

Me Day

I feel pretty selfish for taking a me day when I’m unemployed & have so much shit to do. But I’m realizing that that’s kind of what I need to do to keep from running myself into the ground. Just wanted to get that out of the way, heh.

Well, my father wasn’t interested in going camping, & my cousin said he’d come up here for lunch or something when they head home tomorrow. So, I decided to clean half of the bathroom & do some other chores. Otherwise, I took a “me day”, to try to figure out how to relax. I did all kind of shit in just a few hours, lol. Took a shower, then a bath lol, had a small glass of wine, worked on a page in my coloring book, then a granny square, read a little, meditated, did yoga, did a little exercise, painted my nails, & laid down & watched some tv. Dozed off a little bit too. It was nice. Candles & glitter lamp all day, baby. Lol! It was nice. And I did manage to relax a little bit. Which is good cuz I was pretty anxiety fried from camping / drinking the other night, haha. My cousin wanted me to come back down today, & was shocked when I said I was still recovering, heh. He just doesn’t understand that I don’t normally drink, nor do I often hang out with a bunch of people. Whatevs. Wonder what time they’re coming tomorrow…..

Bleh!

Well, camping was a bit disappointing. I drove myself, so I got there way before my favorite cousin. Ended up “hanging out with” his brother in the meantime. I say “hanging out with” cuz he had me putting together his fucking griddle. I can’t hardly focus when I’m trying to do something for myself, so it took me about 15 minutes just to get started on the fucking thing, & he ended up walking away for most of the assembly cuz the power kept going out in his camper. And I did something wrong, but it was no big deal. So, that kinda pissed me off. Then, once my favorite cousin got there, everything was fine. We had fun. Went to bed around 3, but I couldn’t sleep til about 6, & then I woke up around 9 cuz it was too hot. So, I was overtired & miserable for most of the day yesterday. I planned on leaving at 5 or 6. 6 came around, & I was ready to go, but favorite cousin & his mom insisted I stay for dinner; “it’ll only take a half hour!” It took an hour & a half. I didn’t get home til 9:30pm. I got about 8 or so hours sleep last night, but I’m still super tired.

My (less favorite, lol) cousin wants me to bring my father down there. When we were all drinking the other night, he told me that my parents were his second parents while he was growing up. So, when I was born, they “kicked him to the curb”. He spent a lot of time with my father when he was a kid; my father taught him how to fish, & he still loves it. My parents were his godparents. And I guess he was a bit jealous when I came into existence, heh. But, I told him, “you’ve always been welcome to come over!” Nobody stopped him but himself, for whatever reason. So, he insists I bring my father down. I, on the other hand, really don’t want to. Why? CUZ I NEED A FUCKING BREAK. That’s why I go down there in the first place. And the last thing I need is to try to have fun, while worrying if he’s stumbling around, or miserable. I probably shouldn’t care if he’s miserable, cuz he’s an asshole, but I can’t help it, it’s my nature. He wants to bring my father out on his boat, & show off his land. I think he wants my father to be proud of him, cuz I don’t think his own father was capable of that very often due to an overwhelming love of vodka. (Little does he know that my father’s never expressed any emotion toward me except contempt & anger, and neutral.) So, my only motivations to bring him out there are that my father does need to get out & around family (though I’ve been trying to do that for over 10 years, & I couldn’t hardly even get him to come to my first apartment for Thanksgiving way back when) cuz it’d be good for him, & so my (less favorite) cousin can have some peace of mind with his relationship with my father. He said he’d come out here & get him if he had to. I kinda hope he does, heh. And I kinda hope we can stay home so I can get some stuff done around the house & take the day to unwind & recharge tomorrow. We’ll see…..

Uggh

I don’t want today. Heh.  I wish I could take some Xanax, but I plan to drink my ass off tonight, & I’m not sure… So I googled it, lol. Basically, with how much I plan to drink tonight, I probably shouldn’t take the Xanax. Xanax is a sedative (calms the respiratory & central nervous systems) & affects GABA in your brain, like alcohol. (GABA affects inhibitions, I believe.) And because of the metabolic breakdown of the Xanax (effects wear off after a few hours, but it stays in your system for a few days), it can…make you a cheap date LOL. A little too cheap, considering the two could likely mingle in your system, getting you super drunk super quick. Meaning you could easily over-calm your systems, leading to death, or coma. That’s my summary.

Anyway… I gotta get a shower soon. Then I have to get my father up, if he isn’t by then. Get him some food & his pills. Then get him to the doctor by 2:15. It should only be a 15 minute appointment; the doctor wants to check his O2 saturation & review his follow up blood test. Thus why I want some Xanax. And because I have to try to talk him into getting something notarized…though I may put that off til next week or something. Then tonight, I’m going camping. One of my cousins should already be down there, assumingly with his wife & kids, which is anxiety provoking; I might try to suck up to the kids with some dollar tree junk, lol. Then my usual cousin is coming down after work, for our usual partying, I assume. Ya never know, heh.

busy busy

Well, I sure kept myself busy today. Spent a half hour each, cleaning in my father’s bedroom, the living room, & my bedroom. Did some other chores. Really spruced the place up a bit, which makes me happy. Went grocery shopping; returned some cans. My father left a little mess on my desk while I was gone, so I yelled at him about it. He tried denying it at first, of course. Had chicken lo mein for dinner. And cherries, since they’re on sale right now. Got BOGO ice cream too, which I might start on in a little bit here, lol.

inspiration…

I’ve been a fan of the activities on happify.com for a while. I was on the site daily for over a year, then gave up on it for over a year (cuz nothing was helping my depression), & have been back at it for…a month now? I get aggravated with some of the activities, though. I hate being told to share with people I know, since I don’t know enough people to feel like sharing. Rather…I feel like they have enough going on, heh. (Back to the burden mindset.) Anyway… the activity I just did encouraged taking a class & learning something new. Something you have passion for. …..I can’t think of anything. I have quite a passion for psychology, & happiness, & trying to keep myself from drowning in depression & anxiety. That’s something I’ve been passionate about for a very long time. I like to think I know just about every “trick” in the book, both scientifically & spiritually. Hell, I even took every psych-related class I could when I went to community college years ago. Double hell, I’ve aced intro to psych twice now (& failed it the first time cuz my teacher was obsessed with animal psych & her dogs lol), & been a tutor! I can’t really think of anything else. And I’ve taken classes already. And nobody listens to me when I gently try to help them with their problems, lol. Not even me, LOL!!! *sigh*

Anyway… I’ve already wasted an hour going through my emails & doing activities on happify / 7cups. I feel pretty zen about it, but now I gotta find some momentum & get something done. The only thing I have planned for today is to clean a little something or two, & go get groceries later. I haven’t cleaned in my father’s room in a while, so I’ll probably start there. And I gotta make sure to take care of myself a bit later, cuz I know I’m gonna run myself into the ground like yesterday.

And this is why

(I hate making phone calls)… I called, got voicemail, said they’re on lunch (as well as way too many other things). So, I called after lunch, voicemail. Called 2 more times, got hung up on while listening to the voicemail. Realized they might have had a problem with telemarketers or something, & it might have been set to hang up on me for calling so many times, lol. Ugh. I just wanted to talk to a person! For a change, lol!! They’re closed tomorrow, so I’m gonna try Tuesday (since Monday is a holiday). Dammit.

So, I did some yardwork today since it was nice out. And since it’s supposed to rain the next couple days, I think. Worked on the path around the garage. With a hacksaw. Took out some raspberry bushes. Started taking out branches of the bushes blocking the electric meter. After 2 1/2 hours of that, I dragged my trimmings across the yard to their piles. Then, I spent about an hour burning down my piles. A tiny bit, heh. There’s enough for 500 of those fires, lol. Made a few marshmallows & enjoyed a beer, haha.

Came inside & took care of some stuff. Took a shower. My legs are all scratched up from the damn raspberry bushes. I’ve been really really drained ever since. Laid down for about 45 minutes, & I’m still exhausted. I should eat something, but I don’t feel like it, heh. I jammed my toes pretty bad breaking branches earlier, so now I wanna do my nails. Heh. Maybe I should do that & then force feed myself heh…..

I loathe making phone calls…

I know I always build phone calls up to be a big deal in my head. I don’t know why. Oh yeah, I do…low self esteem. I feel stupid, especially if I don’t have the information needed while I’m on the phone.

I have to call a cardiologist. I need a 24 hour holter monitor. I don’t wanna go to the place my doctor referred me to because it’s too far away for me to have to go there 2 days in a row. So, I found a cardiologist that’s closer, but they’re not accepting new patients. Though, I don’t need to become a patient to have this test done, do I?! I wouldn’t think so… If so, I have to find someone else to go to, that my insurance approves of.

Ok, here goes….. They’re at lunch for another hour. Of course, since I built up the balls to call pretty quickly, lol.

Well, other than that, all I have planned for the day is to work on sawing some stuff out from in front of the house. I asked ex to do it the past couple summers, but he couldn’t do it with the chainsaw I bought. So, now I have to do it by hand…..