How long?!?

How long had he been thinking about leaving me? How long had he been planning this shit? Is he ok?!? It’s like he turned into a different person. So fucking miserable. Doesn’t want his stuff, “you can throw it all out, it’s just stuff”. He doesn’t even want either of his tvs. Including the ~$1k big screen his daddy got him for xmas. “The burdens of everything” was one of the reasons he left. What fucking burdens?!? Are you fucking kidding me?!? The burdens of being an adult & having to take care of a house? The burdens of me getting so sick I can’t stand for a few days every couple months? Lazy, selfish fuck. Good thing he won’t be around if I ever get ALS; I wouldn’t want to be a fucking burden. God knows what he’d do to me then. The burdens of having to help my father in & out of the shower once every couple weeks? Stupid lazy fucking asshole. I wish I could afford to stick with the “you’re dead to me” I busted out originally. I think I need a worksheet, heh…

  1. I am pissed at (ex)Hubby because he left me like a childish fucking asshole. — Yes, yes. I’m heartbroken. I would be strong. — I am pissed at myself because I ruined my relationship. (Well, that didn’t work…)
  2. I want (ex)Hubby to give a fuck about something in his fucking life. — Yes, yes. It makes me sad that he feels he has no direction. I would be independent. — I want to have passion for something in my own life, besides him. I do a lot of things I mildly enjoy, but nothing really lights my fire.
  3. (Ex)Hubby should talk about things instead of acting like a fucking fool. Work through things, like we said we would. — Yes, yes. I get angry. I would probably still be in an awesome relationship. — I should talk about & work through things instead of letting them build til I can’t even properly explain why I’m upset. I have a tendency to do that (because I don’t want to be a fucking burden.) That happened with “old friend” at one point.
  4. I need (ex)Hubby to talk to me, & work with me, to better both of our lives, & our life together. I also need him to put forth some effort into our fucking relationship. — Yes, yes. I feel optimistic, for no reason heh. I would be independent, & wouldn’t care about being in a relationship. — I need to talk to & work with him, even now, to better our lives, & our friendship. My crankyness hasn’t helped the past day or two; I’ve been quite short with him. Maybe I just need a break.
  5. (Ex)Hubby is selfish, lazy, impulsive, insatiable, dishonest, & a cheater. — Yes, yes. It makes me angry. I would still love him. — (Ex)Hubby is selfless, ambitious, thoughtful, satisfied, honest, & loyal. He can be all those things; he was for a long time. Well…not 100%, heh. He did a lot of selfless things. Never really ambitious. Occasionally thoughtful. Rarely satisfied. And I have to question his honesty & loyalty.
  6. I don’t ever want to trust & love anyone again, just to have them shit on my fucking soul. — Yes, yes. It makes me sad, & scared. I would be strong & independent. — I want to trust & love others. It’s the only thing I do well….

Didn’t help too much…..

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