“Morning Pages”

Still working on getting back in the groove of my old routine. Though, at least I’ve been writing on here every day, I just haven’t done it during the course of what I try to do every day. I actually just meditated for the first time in well over 2 weeks. Fuck…how long ago did (ex)Hubby & I break up?! Almost 3 weeks now? Ugh. I’m really battling my mind today, trying not to get sucked back into depression. Trying to push away my main thought of the day so far, “I ruined my relationship”. Maybe I should look at those worksheets I mentioned yesterday, haha. Along with that main thought, I’ve got other things swirling around my head, like returning a call to my father’s doctor, cashing a check from my father for his taxes & stuff, & going to WalMart. Oh, & I need to contact an old coworker still. Ugh. I need some worksheet and affirmations lol (& good vibes to make them work heh).

“The Work is: Judge your neighbor, write it down, ask four questions, turn it around.
That’s it. Simple stuff.”

The Four Questions, about “I ruined my relationship” (…just giving it a shot, since the worksheets seem to aim at other people) :

  1. Is it true? I think it is. I’ve been falling apart for years, & I think that’s why (ex)Hubby fell out of love with me. I’m in a shitty situation with my father & his house, & I dragged (ex)H into the shit with me. And I couldn’t help him out of his own depression, or help him figure out some direction, or motivation, or anything; which isn’t really my responsibility, but I wanted to help. That overnight job in the ER really wrecked me, & I couldn’t be there enough for (ex)H.
  2. Can I absolutely know that it’s true? No. I’m not (ex)Hubby, so I can’t know exactly what’s been going on in his head. I always tried; I’ve just been overwhelmed to my breaking point. It’s not my fault; I didn’t ruin it. We both have our problems. (The Libra in me is trying to “turn it around” already, haha.)
  3. How do I react when I think that thought? It upsets me a lot. I start breathing faster, & get teary eyed, which spirals into missing his love & affection, which spirals into I don’t deserve love & affection.
  4. Who would I be without the thought? I would be someone who could move on more efficiently. I would feel more confident, & open, & emotionally stable.
  5. Turn it around : I did not ruin my relationship. We are all victims of circumstance & situation, & only so much can be changed in a short period of time. He still loves & cares about me, & we still have a close bond. I can’t count on getting back together & working through this as a couple, but there may be room for healing together as friends.

Ehh. Gonna keep working with it. But it didn’t help too much, heh. Both sides of everything is always spinning around in my chaotic mind; I gotta learn how to bring the positive side to the forefront more often…

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