worthless life.

Well, I’ve sure gone downhill since yesterday. Still wallowing. Ended up venting it to (ex)Hubby for hours. Had 2 beers. Tried distracting myself with crochet; I’ve been wanting to make myself a nice sweater or duster, but that’s way too complicated for me. I’ve been trying to crochet for about 10 years, & I’ve made some stuff, but I still have to look up how to make basic stitches. Every single fucking time. So, I started making granny squares. I decided I’m going to make an afghan. Just to keep my idle hands busy when I’m depressed. I made 3 white squares last night; I’m just gonna keep with a random idea…3 white, 2 black, 1 red, & then I’m gonna try to make one multi-colored & see how it goes. And keep doing that til I have enough for a blanket. Even though summer’s just around the corner.

Anyway… My mind’s been being an asshole. I wish I knew how to “snap out of it”. Examples of the depressed thoughts that are always plaguing me, even if they’re really quiet occasionally : I’m worthless, everything I do is futile, every step I take adds 3 more, I’m up to my neck in shit & I’ll never get out, I deserve to be alone because I can’t even stand myself, I ruin everything including my relationships, I have no control, no hope, everything dies, everyone disappears, I can’t handle any more loss, or any more stress, there’s no point in trying if everything I do fails, I have no clue what I’m doing with anything, or anyone, every direction is a dead end, why would anyone wanna spend time with someone so pessimistic, even the love of my life isn’t in love with me anymore, I’m alone as I should be, I can’t wait to come down with “the family curse” & end this shitty life, all this struggle has broken me, my life is pointless beyond me suffering, nothing has ever been ok & never will be, I’m selfish, I’m just being a pussy, etc…. I didn’t think much about all the shitty things from my past (when I was a kid / teenager) until that “PTSD” kicked in several years ago. But, really, when I add it all up (which is obviously a dangerous thing to do)…my life’s been shit on top of shit on top of shit. Losses left & right. Left with a house full of garbage, & an unappreciative alcoholic father. And nothing else. I keep trying & trying, but it never matters. Life is cruel. Even death is cruel; my mom choked to death on her own blood.

Maybe I should print this out for my therapist. I have a hard time explaining this mindset when I’m not in the depths of it. I kind of brush it off like “oh, it was just a little thing”, though it’s obviously not. It’s soul crushing, & it’s holding me back from so much. My sadness, & my fear. I’m always scared that something bad is gonna happen. I used to tease my gramma for her anxiety when I was a kid, & try to calm her down. “There’s no sense in getting worked up over something you either have no control over, or know nothing about” (“know nothing about” referencing her fear of doctors & test results…which is me now heh). I know better than I feel; but, the past few years especially…my feeling is my knowing. Which is bad. No amount of meditation has made this better; any little progress I feel, disappears in an instant. Nothing helps anymore. And, what’s worse, I could feel myself breaking down over the years. And I couldn’t figure out what to do about it. Though I did try my damndest, it didn’t matter…

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