Saw (ex)Hubby…

Well, I saw (ex)Hubby today when he came over to help my father in & out of the shower. He was here for an hour, maybe two? It was good to see him. I felt fine, but he felt a bit awkward. He apologized for yelling at me last time he was here, & I apologized for throwing the pillow that made him yell, heh. It was nice. Made me wanna hug him & not let go, but…I held back, heh. He gave me his pillows cuz he got new ones. Bought himself a bed too, with his tax return. So, he’s doin’ good. Though he still seems pretty miserable. He seemed to enjoy hanging out, though. I told him I might make curry, & he said he wants some lol. So…it was nice. I think he said I can text him whenever, not just to check in every day. So, we’re working on a friendship now.

After he left, I worked on the laundry, clipped my father’s nails, & did some other chores. Had a sammich. Then I went out for smokes & groceries. (Oh yeah, I actually called & made a Dr’s appointment earlier today too, haha. It wasn’t the one I wanted, but it was the one I wanted originally, lol.) I felt fine until I was at the grocery store. Then depression started creeping in. The devastation, wondering why & when he fell out of love with me. When did he decide he didn’t want to be with me for the rest of his life. What the fuck happened to him. The senseless guilt from the hookers?! I guess I couldn’t be there for him when he wanted to talk about stuff much around that time, especially because that was around when I started working a new job, & overnights. (And, y’know, I made over $16k last year, even without working for 2 months of it, & all that money went to food, gas, cigs, & debt. Ain’t that some shit.) But….bear with me. All this stuff started boiling up & coming out after he started talking to naughty nurse. That he’s wanted to leave for a while, but he stayed hoping his feelings would change back. We were definitely in a bit of a rut. But that’s no reason to throw away 11 years. And I was planning on working on it after the stress of the semester was over for him. Asking what he needs from me, & asking for what I need from him, to better our current relationship & our futures. But he left. I mean, I’m grateful that he’s still around. I don’t expect to get back together soon, & I’m actually pretty sure he straight up hasn’t been in love with me for a long time. I just wish I knew then so I could try to make up for it. And heal my mistakes. Now I guess I have to heal from my mistakes. And it fucking sucks. I mean, I’m ok, I’ll be ok, I know, but… I just miss him. Cuz I love him. Even though I don’t think he ever wanted me to.

And I’m still pissed about ex almost sister in law. I gotta stop ruminating, cuz really, who gives a fuck?! I just can’t believe it, lol. I’ll try to let it go after I vent again, lol. “Hi, it’s (me), how are you?” (Paraphrasing), “Fine, you?” “Hangin’ in there”. So, the second thing she said to me was the beginning of a cliche spiel, which included the words “move on”. If I were depressed when I texted her, I might’ve snapped. I loathe cliche bullshit spiels, the words “move on” being mentioned too soon, & the basic idea of “I know what you’re going through”. And I especially hated that she called him “some guy”. After knowing him for almost 12 years, he’s not just some fuckin’ guy. That’s why I happily agreed to spend the rest of my life with him; he’s pretty awesome. And if she can say that about anyone she was with for a long time (“some guy”)…she never truly loved them, & maybe that’s part of why she’ll be on her 3rd failed marriage by the time she’s 50. (She’s in her 3rd now…with someone 15ish years younger…& they both cheated on their exes with each other…yeahh. Low blow? Yup. She really, although unintentionally, kicked me in the balls. So, secret retaliation. Lol.) ….. Said she knows what it’s like to lose yourself in some guy…honey, I didn’t lose myself in him, I lost myself in my 100 item long to do list. You have no idea what any of my life is like. So don’t bullshit me. Also, listen before you lecture. Jesus fuckin‘ christ. Ok. I will work on letting it go now. lol.

Oh yeah, speaking of aggravating people LOL… I actually got another message from my online “therapist”. 9 days later. I don’t even understand her fucking messages. They’re not very professional… What a fuckin’ joke.

Ugh, my battery’s about to die. I should eat a lil something (got myself some more sushi tonite), finish my father’s laundry, & try to wind down & go to bed early. My aunt’s coming over a couple hours early to look at my list & see what she can help with. Then we gotta take him to the doctor. I feel better now, though. After a couple of depressed hours. Maybe I’ll be back later…

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