I can’t blame him for leaving…

I haven’t been myself for a very long time. I think I’ve had depression my whole life, but I was doing ok toward the end of & after high school. After he & I moved in to our first apartment, it started coming back & hitting me because we were poor & constantly struggling, & because my father started letting his yard & house go to hell (even more so). Then we moved back in with him after a couple years, to try to work on the house. Too much stress for both of us. We ran away to his mom’s when she asked us to. Only a couple months later was my father’s stroke, & all those extra responsibilities got dumped on me. I tried to stay strong & did what I had to do. After a few months of chaos, I was shot. But had to keep going. And that was 5 years ago. During those 5 years, I could feel myself falling apart. Getting more & more overwhelmed, & sick, physically & mentally. I started panicking, trying to figure out what I could do without any family or friends for support. It tore me down. I’ve been telling myself I need a break for about 5 years, but any little vacation we’ve taken (at most 3 days, once a year), while refreshing at the time, couldn’t last long enough. I’ve been wondering for years if I need therapy to deal with all this. Oh yeah, & the “PTSD”. The feeling of being a burden on my mother’s family, for wanting family around consistently. The isolation I found myself with. I prefer to be alone, but I’d rather he be around, cuz he wanted me around. Losing “old friend”. Everyone started to scare me. Cuz nobody cares, not even “old friend”, who once adored me dearly. For a lot of years, I feel like I’m supposed to be alone. Not to be a martyr. Just because my emotional weight is too much for people. Years ago, I wanted to set (ex)Hubby free of my burden. But I assured myself that he loved me & we’d get through. For years, I’ve been suffering mentally because my mind’s been spinning ever since my father’s stroke. I tried not to lose myself. But it’s just too much. Now, I find myself alone, overwhelmed, depressed, & terrified of everything. I’m a fucking mess. For years. No wonder he left…

But I guess maybe this was what I needed. I needed him to leave in order for me to panic enough to get some help. For myself, & for my burdens. My anxiety & depression have been out of control for at least 4 years. I’ve been crushed under the weight of my burdens. So was he. It’s just too much.

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