Bad day… (WIP)

I should probably make this a WIP post, cuz it seems like it’s gonna be a bad day. I accidentally wrote “shoulder” instead of should… I really miss my mom today. I miss… I crave a female figure to listen to me, & tell me everything’s gonna be ok, & comfort me. A shoulder to cry on. A girl really needs that in a time like this. My cousin said I need a mini vacation. I’ve been crying on & off for about 3 hours now. I can barely get out of bed. I tried to get something to eat… realized I bought the wrong soup yesterday, & so made a cup noodle. I had one bite. I struggled with it for at least a solid minute, trying not to spit it out. I didn’t, but I couldn’t force myself to eat any more. I’m having a small glass of V8. Better than nothing, I guess. I think my cousin wants to take me out camping overnight one night. I hope not with anyone else, really. Heh. I can’t be meeting people when I’m so emotionally unstable.

ETA1 : I’ve been stressing for 5 hours now. Crying on & off. I keep trying to distract myself, but I keep ending up back in bed. I did the dishes…in tears. Brought the garbage can & mail up from the road. Took care of my father & the cats. And cried throughout. I’ve been depressed for so long, & it ruined my relationship. It helped him fall out of love with me, at least. I can’t stop ruminating; I feel like I need to prepare myself for when he comes over in a couple days to help my father. I don’t wanna freak out on him; I don’t wanna be hysterical like when he left. And I don’t wanna be crying like I am today. Though, I’m sure I will. I just don’t wanna make this harder on him. Though, I need to worry about myself. I took some of that Xanax. I was thinking about smoking some weed, but I know that hasn’t helped enough in a long time. I tried to cut the pill on its line, but it broke into 3. So, I took 2/3 of just under half a pill, heh. I think it’s starting to kick in… I just got really tired. And spacy, & slow. I think I’m gonna lay back down…

ETA2 : Well, it really helped me calm down. I had to talk to the tax lady about my father’s papers. She had to have me call a couple places & try to get information. I didn’t really have trouble doing these things for a change, but I felt too foggy to be doing them. That’s probably just because of my state of mind. Then I laid down & dozed off a bit for, like…a couple hours? I didn’t feel like I was actually asleep, just dozing in & out. With one kitty on each side of me, which was comforting. I’m still really really tired. But at least not depressed tired.


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