Exhausted

Well, therapy was fine. The intern I talked to was nice, & so was her supervisor. I let her look at my list. She was like wow that’s a lot, heh. My next appointment is next week. I’m looking forward to it…I think. Still scary, heh, but everyone was nice. I actually felt up to running errands. Went to WalMart. Bought way more than I needed to. I could hardly focus. Got a…poster like thing…that I can’t hang up cuz I don’t know where any nails are. It has a bunch of positive phrases on it. Figured it’s better than staring at a blank wall. Got a soft blanket to “comfort myself” with. And bought a new coat rack & shoe mat. Got Subway for myself & my father. Then I went to the ecig store & got wicks; now I just gotta start using my fucking ecig again, & stop chain smoking. Mind you, panicking the whole time. (Which reminds me…I felt my heart flutter for longer than it ever has earlier today. It felt like V-fib….) Stopped home; struggled getting things in the house & put away. Still felt ambitious, so I went back out to another area to run a couple more errands. Checked my bank account (fuck, I think I gotta pay a bill!). Dropped off taxes, & talked to the tax lady a bit; she’s nice. Stopped by the dollar store to get my father some batteries to keep himself entertained. Came back home. Fed my father & gave him his pills. Ate. Took the garbage down. Took the old coat rack down to the road (I’m too little to be doing that, & it sucked a fat hairy one, & it took me about 10 minutes, & my body hurts). Cleaned up & vacuumed that spot. Assembled the cheap shitty coat rack I bought (I wanted a wall mount, but not until after I paint…if that ever happens); at least it’s a lot smaller & cleaner than the old one. Got bitched at by my hoarder father. Apparently, “they’re expensive!”; no, no they’re not. It was insanely bulky & filthy beyond my will to scrub, so… fuck it. It opened the room up a lot. It should’ve been done a long time ago. Just not during the winter; someone definitely would’ve died, heh. I gotta check that bill. But then I have to balance my checkbook. I wanna just lay down. Everything was so extra hard today, knowing I don’t have him to come home to. I kept going, trying to keep my mind busy & hoping to get some stuff done while I wasn’t an emotional wreck. Well…while I could keep my poker face. I got a bunch of cries out at therapy, haha. I think they’re thinking anxiety medication, especially after seeing my overwhelm. We’ll see. I’m scared of everything. Even anxiety meds, lol. I still have half a Xanax just waiting for me, but I don’t remember ever taking it before, so…I’m scared, I don’t know what it’ll do to me. It’s a sedative, I know. It really knocked (ex)Hubby on his ass, though. He needed sleep though, heh. I had to text him earlier about his taxes, & we’ve been talking a little bit today. Told him about errands & therapist. He’s such a sweet man. Why did we break up?? I’m fucking heartbroken.

Gotta lay. Yoga. Money stuff. Text ex almost sister in law cuz I have no friends. Cry.

PS- WP tells me I have 100 total likes now … Truly, thanks for the love

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