I get so sick of waking up sick

My intestines are still bothering me. Overactive or something. Gross. And painful. They seem to take at least an hour to calm down when I’m sick like this. Super tired still, though I got at least 8 hours sleep. I wanted to go back to sleep when I woke up today, but my heart started racing immediately, & I had to go to the bathroom. I’ve been waking up to pee within this last week now too; I very rarely in life have ever woken up to pee, I usually just hold it.

It’s gonna be another WIP/ETA day. I haven’t left the house in about a week, I think. Sure gotta go out tomorrow though, heh. I’m gonna either lay down or try to eat something, we’ll see…

ETA1 : Both. Heh. Went out to get the mail & newspaper…paper’s in the middle of the driveway. Apparently the mailbox fell back over during the snowstorm a few days ago (I haven’t even left the house). Defeat after defeat. So, I duct taped it back up. My cousin started texting me this morning. I mentioned having to duct tape it back up, thinking he’d offer to help fix it properly. Noo. So, I asked. “Sure, that’ll give us a reason to hang out.” Works for me, haha! Once I start showing him the nightmare that is this house, we’ll have lots of reasons to hang out! lol ugh!!

ETA2 : I probably shouldn’t worry too much about (ex)Hubby not ever coming back to me. He has a little trouble with chicks, heh. Even though he’s a fuckin’ angel, & I’ve been lucky to have had him. If he had some more confidence, I don’t think he’d have half as much trouble. But even still…most people are difficult to get along with, & relationships are not easy. It’s a rare treasure when things work out. We got along too well for him to not want to come back to me eventually. I just have to survive lonely til then, heh. He’s never known what he wants to do with himself, ever. Just play video games. Now is his time to figure out who he is & what he wants to do. I hope he’s proactive about it.

ETA3 : Went upstairs to see if I’ll be able to bring a couple things (that are way too big for me) downstairs tomorrow for trash. (No, not quite.) Looked around for any dead birds; didn’t see any. However, I did notice for the first time that…I think about half of the attic ceiling is covered in black mold. I think that’s what it is. Good thing there’s a window open upstairs at all times? I really hope my cousin comes over soon. I wanna show him a few things that make me question how worth it it is to fix up the house; I’m scared to do work if it needs to be demolished relatively soon, heh. The house is barely older than I am, but my father didn’t hardly do anything to it…ever. Upkeep, maintenance, or repairs. Too old, too stressed, too drunk, maybe. But he had at least 3 months off every year for over 30 years, so…lazy. *SIGH* Thanks for the extra nightmare, bruh.

ETA4 : I’m depressed. Heh. Thinking about all the things I don’t have to do anymore…I miss him so much. Finally got a fucking shower. Felt kinda like going out & doing some of the things I was gonna do tomorrow. But, fuck that. Maybe I’ll go do a little shopping later. Probably not. We’ll see. There’s a guided discussion in the relationship support chatroom on 7cups, but I don’t have the badge to get into it. That’s depressing, heh.

ETA5 : Finally cleaned the blanket my cat puked on a few days ago. And laid it out over the bed. No point in really making the bed anymore; I just sleep wherever. His blanket & pillow don’t smell like him anymore, so I put them in the closet. I don’t have the strength to wash them. Sad. Very very sad. Definitely not going to the store. I just wanna cry, but I think I got it all out when I was crying for days. I wish he were here. I wish I knew he wanted to work things out. I wish I weren’t so devastated that I scared him away.

ETA6 : He said I didn’t do anything… but he’s not in love with me anymore. Why? Was he ever? I can be that person again. Eventually. He was so loving. He loves me, but doesn’t want to be with me anymore, & “doesn’t know” if he wants to work things out. Why? What can I do? I can’t do this without him. Any of this. I can understand needing to get out of this house; but why away from me? I was thinking about him coming over later this week…what’s gonna happen. I’ll probably just cry at the sight of him. I think I’m past freaking out on him at all, but who knows; grief is a bitch. If he takes any more of his stuff, I probably will freak out. That seems to be a big trigger. Too much loss in my life to watch it walk out the door like that without significant devastation. Sad, shitty life of mine. I just want his arms around me. I think they won’t be for quite some time, if ever again. It was my only real relief…

ETA7 : I just broke down so hard. My father came in my room & asked if (ex)Hubby was coming over, cuz the porch light is on. Uh, no, it’s always on at night. Always has been. Came in my room without his walker, using the computer chair for balance. So, I yelled at him. Then he starts digging around in my ashtray right in front of me “just lookin’ for a good butt”. I (gently) slapped his hand. No reaction whatsoever. So, I slammed the door behind him (it closed a little harder than I meant for it to heh). And then I crumbled to the floor crying, thinking how I can’t do this alone. At least (ex)Hubby took some of the stress from him; I don’t know if I can handle it myself. I feel so fucking alone. And overburdened. And hopeless. I’m so scared of my therapist appointment tomorrow. I couldn’t find anyone to talk to about it on 7cups. I don’t even know where to look…anxiety, breakups, depression…etc. Pick one, heh.

ETA8 : I don’t know still. I keep bouncing between chatrooms. There’s a girl posting text messages between her & her ex boyfriend. For like an hour. And I don’t think she’s even responding to peoples’ comments, lol. UGH. “Oh wait, there’s more” LOL whaaaaaat. I try to reach out, & no one’s there; story of my life. I should just get a random “listener”, I guess… I think my listener just disappeared after I gently summarized my current stress. Literally, everyone disappears on me. Yup. That’s what happened. I feel like such a failure. I can’t do anything anymore. Me, “My problems seem too complicated for anyone else to even stand me, even when I’m not talking about them heh” Someone in a chat room, “I get that haha. I like your humor! It’s a great strength. Please hold on. Hopefully you’ll find someone”. I think it may have been a mini-mod or something, heh. FML. It really is too much for anyone. I’ve never known who to ask, or for what. Everyone just disappears. And I’m very scared about this appointment tomorrow. This girl isn’t gonna know what to do with me. And then I have to be shuffled off to someone else. Times infinity. Cuz no one knows what to do with me. Especially me. Am I that fucked up?!? …Still haven’t heard from (ex)Hubby today. I asked him to check in with me cuz I was expecting a particularly bad day… Can’t talk to anyone, anywhere. How heartbreaking. I should eat something & take a ZQuil. End this miserable day & wake up early enough to get a shower tomorrow.


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