Boy… (WIP)

I am sick of waking up. Every day when I open my eyes, this nightmare starts all over again. I’m sick of crying, I’m sick of smoking so fucking much. I feel so sick. And alone. I got almost 8 hours of sleep, so it’s not because I’m tired. My aunt said “I’ll tell ya, it’s kinda nice living alone”. Normally, I’m the type to agree; I’m an only child, & I was raised to be independent. But, her husband was an angel with a mean & dark addiction; mine was just an angel. Yeah, I like having space. But I don’t need it that badly. I’d rather my life be filled with him, every nook & cranny. That’s how I’ve felt for over a decade. God, why is this happening? I feel so sick. My intestines, my stomach. Another day of hugging myself ahead, trying to console & soothe myself. I miss him so fucking much. I think today’s post will be another all-day “WIP”…cuz I can hardly get out of bed again… Oh, & my paper list is up to 90 items.

ETA1 : I just want him home so bad. Though, this isn’t his home anymore. I’m sure he always felt like it never really was, no matter what I did. And as much as I love the property, it hasn’t felt like a home for me since my mom was still around. There was a very different, warm vibe around here. Ever since, it’s been cold. And dark. And scary. And increasingly overwhelming to deal with, despite our efforts. I figured he & I would just live here, since the mortgage is almost paid (even though it should be done with). That way, at least we wouldn’t have to work our asses off making money at work to be able to support ourselves & have a home; we could work together to better this place, & make it our own. “It’s too much work”. It is, but if you consider the cost of a duplex or even a small apartment…it’s almost as much money monthly as a mortgage, & renting means you’re gonna be around people. I always wanted to fix this place up, especially after my father dies. Make room to invite his family over, make them dinner, spend some time together. Make room in the yard, & the garage, for him to invite his brothers over & have fun. Make a room upstairs just for him & whatever he wanted. Make a smaller room upstairs for me to meditate. If I could get into radiology, eventually, I’d definitely make more than enough money to get this shit done. Maybe even be able to pay other people to do some of this shit, lol. None of it matters now. My future’s been deflated. All hope, gone. All motivation, fucked. I wish I could’ve waved a magic wand & fixed the place up for him. I can hardly get out of bed. I had all this ambition, drowned out by everything else on that list. Always. Always always.

Oh yeah. I took an “emotional wellness test” a few days ago, when I was trying to distract myself with 7 Cups… Now I gotta figure out how to upload the screenshot of my scores…

Untitled

Accurate. Though I feel like my anxiety is higher. I’m kinda scared to leave the house. Still. I don’t even remember when I went out last… 5 days ago. My cousin wanted me to come check out his property today; 17 acres, with a creek running through, & now a road going to the creek. I can’t even get a shower to go to the grocery store. Not that we need anything right now anyway. Hell, I’m having enough trouble just getting out of bed. So there’s no point in getting a shower, or going out anywhere. …Ambitious. I wanted to learn how to do stuff, with him. How to fix stuff, & build rooms. If I can understand anatomy & physiology so well, it really can’t be that difficult. We just always had too much on our minds. Especially me. He did what he could. Learned a lot, tried a lot, & was proud of himself for it. Just too much to do. No light at the end of the tunnel. I was super inspired by his mother’s house; her husband is a hoarder, & his house was pretty fucked before she started working on cleaning it up & keeping on him about renovations. She needed to make room for (ex)Hubby’s lil bros. And needed to make it a home for all of her family. Which was all I really wanted for myself & her son as well. I was thinking last nite..I’m even jealous of my sister in law right now. They’ve got a cute little house in the suburbs (which is still surrounded by too many people for me), & they’ve currently got a friend & my (ex)Hubby staying there. I always always always, ever since I was a little kid, at least wanted enough room for someone else to stay here comfortably if they needed to. Family, friends, random homeless kids LOL (I really wanted to own a foster home & take care of everyone in it when I was a tween lol)…whoever needed a roof & maybe some love. Yet, I’m trapped here, in this mess. With no one around, & nowhere to go. Just sitting in my dark room… I should probably go try to eat something…

ETA2 : Ate a cup noodle, & had some kefir & juice. Talked to my cousin & aunt a little bit. Told my aunt about my 90-item list; she said we’ll work it down. Which is what (ex)Hubby & I have been trying to do for over 5 years, but at least she has more experience with this shit. I’ve just been dumbfounded over everything for years & years, trying to figure out how to make sufficient progress. I told her what little mortgage info I have too; she said we’ll call them & figure out what the fuck happened. I’m sure it was refinanced, & he really does still owe $30k+. I can see that happening- my mom panicked, & settled for something she worried she shouldn’t. I’m scared to find out for sure. I’ve been telling myself for years, “I just need to rest, just need to rest, so I can get on my feet, & tackle this world I’m in with some energy & clarity”. There isn’t enough rest. Ever. I’m perpetually exhausted. Once I talk to the therapist, I’ll have to start the process of working on my physical health. Getting set up with a doctor & shit. The hardest part is finding someone who gives a shit. Especially with my health issues, & lack of professional care since I was at oldest 14. I’m a difficult case, all around. Makes me feel worthless.

ETA3 : Textin’ (ex)Hubby right now, cuz I needed to know when he can come over to help my father. Nice enough convo; but makin’ me very sad. He just seems so cold. Like he’s…so excited to move on? I dunno. I gotta stop thinking so much. I think it’s starting to slow a little. Had a sammich for lunch. Did all my daily chores. Made next week & reviewed this past one (as optimistically as I could, ugh) in my Bullet Journal. Cleaned half the bathroom; realized it’s nowhere near half as dirty with him gone, heh. (I’d rather clean his mini messes anyday.) Did the dishes. Vacuumed the house. And almost broke the washer trying to wash the bathroom stuff; I still have to adjust all of my laundry routines, heh. So, now drying the stuff is gonna take forever :/ “Murphy’s Law : I anything can go wrong, it will.” Wish I never heard that phrase, let alone had it staring at me via home decor, ha. Ugh. I knew it would happen, too; I was like “wouldn’t that be some shit?!” Of course. I keep having to look over at my tarot. Stay positive. I was starting my yoga routine when the washer started bouncing around…

ETA4 : He really seems like he doesn’t wanna work on our relationship. Just be friends someday. But he’s too nice/smart to say it outright right now. Why?! If that’s the case. Ugh…yoga!!!

ETA5 : Finally did some yoga. Still working on drying that laundry. Just had a decent sized portion of leftover sketti, gave my father some, & put a serving in the freezer. Had some blackberries too. Was gonna have a small glass of wine, but I don’t think my stomach can handle it. Cleaned out the fridge a bit. I think I might try to make a couple dinners later this week, & put some portions in the freezer. We’ll see. I have too much planned for Monday. All I really have to do is go to therapy, & probably drop off taxes. I’ll have to go to bed early tomorrow to get up early enough for my appointment. ZQuil it will be. I should try that Xanax earlier in the day too. A piece of it, at least. A description of it & possible side effects doesn’t look too appealing, heh. But then I can tell the therapist if it helped at all, heh. And, well, I’m expecting a sad day tomorrow, just the way my emotions have been. He said he’s been eating alright. So, good. He said he’ll check on me tomorrow. I miss his hugs so bad. Burying my face in his chest. Feeling safe & loved. My angel…

ETA6 : *sigh* I’m just so scared that he won’t want to be together anymore. I’m really scared. I hope he’ll give me a chance, once we both work on ourselves a bit. I’m so scared. I was also thinking about going to the doctor… What if I have to have scans sometime? I can’t have my aunt drive around that much. Especially when he lives half the distance. Though he’s a busy man. For another month or so of the semester, at least. I probably won’t get an appointment until next month anyway, heh. I’m scared of an abdominal CT, because of my fucky tummy. I know what they are, I know they’re not invasive, but that contrast is gonna make me feel pretty sick. I’m scared of a gyno exam too. Never had one. I wanted to get all this stuff taken care of…4 years or so ago…but it got lost in the list. My priorities have been my father, this fucking house, (ex)Hubby, & then me. But I can’t do shit if I feel sick all the time. And it’s not fair that (ex)Hubby doesn’t get to be my #1. Or me, for that matter. I should go to bed…

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