Wah.

Too much whining today. Too many updates. Nothing to really say. So I’m just gonna update this post for a lil while…

My cousin asked if I like to cook. That made me cry. “I used to. And I guess I was pretty good at it.” Now, I have very little reason to cook, ever. We still haven’t finished the spaghetti or the chicken I made. I don’t wanna touch that dry, nasty chicken though; maybe I should shred it & make sammiches. I miss all my cooking. I’d kill for some of my curry or cajun chicken pasta right now. Probably won’t ever make them again. Or my fish tacos…mmm. Apparently I’m hungry now heh; shame I can hardly get out of bed. I’ll figure something out when my father finally gets up. I’d love to go get some take out, even. Fish fry, BK, pizza & wings…anything. I’m sure as fuck not leaving my spot, though. Delivery?!? Hmm…no, probably not. I’ll consider it though heh…

Oh yeah…I got a reminder call about my therapist appointment Monday. I’m not going to say her name, but it is eerily weird. It’s a name I discovered when I was, like, 12, & I’ve always loved it. I wanted to name my first daughter that, heh. Buuuuuut…I’ve only ever met one person with that name in my life, & I’m pretty sure it was when I was working at the gas station out there; though I think I only saw her once, so at least she wasn’t a regular. I don’t think. If it’s even the same person. Anyway…weird. Heh. Back to lay…

ETA1 : Well, my cousin works 6 days a week, so he won’t be able to help with much. That’s disappointing, cuz he likes doing renovations & building things. His brother has arthritis in his hands. Looks like I’ll be doing way too much work this year. And not getting paid for it. I am sooo fucked.

Just made sammiches & got myself some kefir & a tiny cup of coffee. The chicken does taste a lot better with some mayo & mustard on it. Haven’t had coffee in…I don’t know how long. Just threw out (ex)Hubby’s coffee creamer. And cried. Cuz everything’s pointless without him… Stomach calmed down a little after the pills & laying down; still insanely exhausted. My eyes are hardly open.

ETA2 : Good thing I had that kefir; I could feel it coat my stomach. I could feel everything else working its way around. Gross. I was crying so hard. I can’t see right out of one of my eyes. I can’t believe he’s gone. I can’t believe this all happened. I wish I could rewind 10 years & relive it all. Fix my mistakes. I’d do anything for his arms around me. I keep trying to comfort myself; rubbing my stomach, my back, hugging myself. Just makes me miss him more. I tried to soak it in so much recently; cuddling in bed in his arms with a kitty in mine. I loved and admired him like we were already 80, & had spent our whole lives together. I thought he’d be there while I died; and I could die peacefully. I had no idea this would ever happen. Furthest thing from my mind. Fuck. I gotta get myself together so I can feed the cats & stuff. Even though I don’t want to, cuz I don’t want my fat cat to leave; might be another 3 weeks before he comes back in here. God I feel like such a pile of shit. I think my self-hatred is gearing up…

ETA3 : Yup. Tried distracting myself with dishes, did the litterbox…almost dropped to my knees crying. Takin’ a real nosedive here… I wish I were never born. I really really do. This life has been much too full of pain and loss. It feels like it never stops. I’ve been suffering & stressed for far too long. I remember feeling that way a lot when I was just a kid, telling myself back then that it’ll never get any better, so try & make the best of it. I was right. (Ex)Hubby was a beacon of light in this dark fog. Was. Well, still is; it’s just much much much much much much further away. I’ve seriously never cried so much in my life. I can’t believe he doesn’t love me anymore. Doesn’t wanna be with me, doesn’t wanna… Really, I think he doesn’t want anything to do with me, but he’s obligated to make sure I’m not dead. What did I do to make him leave me like this?!? If it wasn’t my fault, why am I being dropped on my ass like this?! I wanna get up & exercise this useless energy out, but I can hardly stand. And I wanna puke. And bang my head on a wall til I pass out. Well…I was doing better smoking earlier…gotta slow myself down here. All around. I guess the sun came out. I’ve kept the curtains closed all day. At least I can kinda watch tv today. Watched all my newer episodes on Hulu except WWE & Workaholics. Won’t be able to handle them. I just wanna rest in his arms. That was the only thing that truly made me happy for so fucking long. True solace, rest, relaxation, love. Made everything worthwhile. Now I have nothing.

ETA4 : Played with my tablet a little. Distracted me a little, temporarily. I intended to clean the bathroom today. My eyes have been at half-mast for over 2 hours. They just won’t open all the way. I should at least clean half of it. I should really get a shower. But, why bother? I don’t have the energy for it anyway. I keep thinking about (ex)Hubby having to come over next week to help my father. He said he will, but he doesn’t want to cuz he doesn’t know what’s gonna happen. Probably expecting me to have another breakdown. I might be fine, depending on the day. Seems like it’s an every other day severity thing. Usually is. I was fine yesterday, today nooooooo. Well, “fine”…in denial. Was/am I in denial? I must be. He had so much resentment in his eyes the past few weeks. Never saw it before in my life. I thought it was just stress. It was probably resentment. Rather, both. Anyway.. I might be “fine” that day. I probably won’t be, but I plan to keep as quiet as I possibly can. I may even be catatonic once I see his face. Ugh. Sometimes I wonder if I’m bipolar. I think I generally keep my shit together too well to be bipolar (no offense to those who suffer); I think I’ve just been grieving too much for too long. And as far as right now, I’m dealing with more immediate grief. And hormones. Heh. Fuck my shitty life.

ETA…5 : Has it been a week now, since he left?! Wow. Feels like 4 days…and 6 months, at the same time. Right after he left, I had so much adrenaline. I was like “fuck him, I’ll spring ‘clean’ the entire bottom floor of the house, & start renovations without him; give me a week”. I’ve been barely mobile all week. I actually counted everything on my paper master to-do list : 88 items. At least 88 things on my mind, racing through, all day every day. And I just had to put 4 things on a more urgent to do list. I just wanna sleep forever. I get so exhausted even thinking about anything.

ETA6 : I was just thinking about my last tarot draw… And it’s eerily accurate. I drew it around 3/20. Present : Princess of Swords, young lookout, vigilance, observation. I sure was trying to keep an eye on (ex)Hubby, with him so stressed. Future (so, throughout April) : 8 of Wands, message from the heavens, direct communication, rapid progress, surprise, sudden events, movement. I don’t know if it’s referencing good or bad; it just is. I asked for advice about (ex)Hubby : The Emperor, male energy, virility, strength, authority, stability, reason, control. Accurate description, but what am I supposed to do with that? Help him with his self esteem? Just acknowledge these things while he’s going through this time in his life? I asked for advice for (ex)Hubby : Judgment, path toward the light, rebirth, renewal, reawakening, overcoming the past, end of suffering. He sure seems to have listened to that advice, heh. I pulled that card for “future” back at the beginning of February, & I was doing so well. Shame that’s all fucked now. All my muscle tone is gone. Every little bit of mental renewal shot to shit.

ETA7 : Finally did some yoga. And…108lbs now; so, I gained a couple back, thank god. Still, haven’t eaten in over 6 hours. At least my fat kitty made his way back in here just a little bit ago. Maybe I can cuddle him to sleep tonight; I’d really love that. Then again, it might make me cry too much for him, lol…I used to cuddle (ex)Hubby in bed every night. For over 10 years. Why does he want to move on from me so randomly? I know it’s not random, but why no effort to fix things, when things calmed down for him. Why so adamantly? Why am I not worth working through this, together? I mean, I know we kinda are, since he reads this sometimes, & texts / emails me. It’s hard for him cuz he feels bad for doing this to me. But why is he doing it to me like this then? Cuz he needs out that bad. Cuz he wants me to hate him? I don’t know. This really is the most traumatic thing for me. I love him so fucking much. I fucking loved playing housewife when I could- cooking, cleaning, dishes, etc. He appreciated it. He just isn’t in love with me anymore. I guess. I wish I could work on it. On us. Fix our issues. Hopefully, some of my to do list will whittle its way down soon, with help. When I can start to pick myself up. Even though I still wanna die, lol. Ugh. Why is this happening with us. I remember why this nightmare is happening with the house & my father – everyone in my mother’s family, including myself, knew it would, cuz of “the way he is”. Not that he’s really a piece of shit; things were always financially stable, & no real abuse, ever… He’s just lazy, stubborn, & an alcoholic. Bottom line. This nightmare was inevitable. Probably, all around. (Ex)Hubby always gave it his best though, as far as my father & the house; learned lots of new things, & on his own. Like a fucking man, hehehe. And I always loved the shit out of him for it. Why’d he have to bail on me like an asshole like this? Why did he fall out of love with me? Because I needed therapy, for a long time? And resources (which I struggled to find, but I did try!)? Probably. I felt defeated a long time ago, & just didn’t know what to do. Who to ask for what, which thing to do first…& everytime I tried to do anything with anything on that list, I end up getting slapped in the face, somewhere along the line. One major success was the snowblower; downfall there is that I’m too little & my back is too fucked to be able to use it half the time, especially when I really need it. lol. My back’s gotten progressively worse the past few years too. The discomfort/agitation/lightning bolt pains start in the curve of my spine, & then the muscles branching out below it, into my hips, & occasionally down my legs. Not fun running around for 10 hours at work. My feet were soooo sad back then, heh. Brutal. I think I fell out of love with me too. Everything just started sucking more & more. My back, my stomach…my list. I did everything I could just to keep my sanity, & to keep us happy. At least surviving, I guess. He was so patient with what I’d neglected. I wanted to work on it. But it was too late. I always wanted to, but rarely felt up to trying to, work on it. I guess that applies to a lot of things. I’ve been so crushed. I fell out of love with everything but him. This is fucking awful. I wish he could’ve helped me help myself; but he couldn’t. He did everything he could. He was a fucking angel. And still is. He said a while ago he still wanted to cuddle…yet he couldn’t touch me when I was crying. Couldn’t even come near me. I wouldn’t be able to not cry, I don’t think. I’m crying now, heh. I’d mourn all the nights he held me, & I thought he was by my side for the rest of my life. The nights I thought he loved me as much as I love him, & we conquered the world together. He doesn’t love me like that anymore. My shitty nightmare list ruined me, & thus it. The thought of no more cuds is devastating enough in itself. It was my favorite activity, haha. Now I’m just laying in (his) bed, wallowing in my grief. Everything I ever hoped & dreamed for, for over a decade, shattered with the swoop of a computer. Heh. The resulting hysteria. I’m traumatized. I worry that I’m being overdramatic, but I know I’m not. I need to go to therapy just to be able to…handle seeing him. He was so serious, stressed, & kinda mean. For the first time ever. And now he’s gone. And happier. I wish he could at least comfort me, but he can’t. I probably traumatized him too, heh. All our kitties are on the bed. Hopefully I can squeeze in there soon, heh. I should eat something still (almost 8 hours; and yes, I have to write this shit down or I’ll waste away). And I’m really cold. Oh!… I was thinking maybe I should take some of that Xanax when he comes over next week, heh. Which I have yet to hear from him about when. I wanna faceplant. Probably won’t be back later…but who knows, heh

…lol, reading back… I always tried to treat him like The Emperor, The Sun God. lol. I think that’s why I depended on him so much. He was always very mature, as long as I’ve known him. He was always the fucking man. …..My father just distracted the shit out of me. I thought to myself I should at least start trying to get him to change his clothes daily. Then I remembered I’m having enough trouble just getting myself to do that right now. …I hope (ex)Hubby’s “Judgment” card includes me in this path. Only time will tell. For that and whether or not the “8 of Wands” will work out to my advantage. No real reason to be too optimistic about anything right now. Everything may truly be fucked for me, my father, & this house; only time will tell. If only the cards were more descriptive… The suit of Wands (lol) corresponds to Beltane, which is May Day. My first favorite Wiccan holiday when I was like 12, which basically symbolizes free love, the return of growth, and optimism about abundance in the future. It’s also a fertility festival, encouraging planted seeds to grow, literally & metaphorically. So, it’s a very optimistic card. Now that I have a good spot for my “altar”, I set a couple of those cards up, to help me keep perspective. So, at least there’s that. I’m actually scared that I might be having a nervous breakdown though. This is literally my worst nightmare. I can hardly handle anything right now. But, at there’s a little hope in the cards. Heh. Maybe the “8 of Wands” includes him too. I sure hope so.

I should eat. And go to bed… Berries. Hot pocket. Feed kitties, do litterbox. Good enough. Go…

ETA8 (LOL) : I think I just got a couple of optimistic signs…or I’m just grabbing onto anything I can. Heh.

ETA9 (last one, I swear!!) : Berries & tv dinner. Felt a little motivated, so I wrote a mini to do list for when my father goes to the doctor, got my tax “appointment” stuff ready (so maybe I will do them this year, we’ll see), & gathered what little important mortgage info I have for my aunt. I’ll have to text her tomorrow.

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