Still won’t stop… Ultimate to do list (why I am so overwhelmed)

I guess I’m really struggling today, but not feeling too depressed at least. I don’t think I’ve really even cried much, for the first time in at least a week. Then again, I may just be in denial. What did I do today…I washed a pan, cleaned out the sink, took out the trash, took our the recycling, did the litterbox, changed its trash, fed my father, gave him his “pills”, gave him his beer, took his cigarettes back out in the living room so he’ll get off his ass once in a while, had almost all of a cup noodle for breakfast, sushi for lunch, snacked on some chips & candy lol, texted my cousin all day, watched Family Guy in 15 second intervals every hour or so, took my Zyrtec, changed my clothes, drank lots of water, took a motrin for my cramps, and wrote a lot. Tried getting on my feet enough too. But have been too distracted by my head to be able to do yoga yet today. And I’m still scared to meditate. And I’m pretty sure I’m not gonna be able to read, heh.

I just finished a braindump in my bullet journal , which I figured I should do so people like my family & my therapist (lol) will have something to look over. To help me figure out how to manage all this. Ready? Now, bear in mind this doesn’t even count my possible PTSD?/depression/anxiety, or (ex)Hubby, complicated issues in themselves.

braindump

things to do, etc

  • take dad to the doctor
  • get his blood test done
  • get his prescriptions
  • help him get in / out the shower : (ex)Hubby > GET AN AIDE
  • cut his nails
  • get his hair cut
  • dailies : food, pills/vitamins, beer, cigs
  • his other health stuff (face, monitor lung, monitor aneurysm)
  • pay his bills
  • cook once in a while
  • do dishes
  • clean bathroom weekly
  • maintain clean(er) spots around the house
  • work on the hoard for various areas
  • fix the porch roof so birds stop nesting in there
  • get the taxes done, mine & dad’s
  • fix the mailbox
  • get lawnmower fixed
  • cash out 401Ks & pay down credit debt
  • take care of myself
  • get a job
  • go back to school for radiology
  • have something to look forward to (trips, events, concerts, shows, etc)
  • take dad to SSA; me > his bank
  • pay my own bills
  • go shopping & to the reservation
  • guess what dad wants / needs
  • clear the hoard, & renovate
  • paint the porch
  • replace the front doors
  • fix or replace back doors
  • fix fireplace
  • rearrange living room
  • replace curtains
  • get a new phone
  • get new glasses
  • get contacts
  • get new clothes
  • get dad’s eyes fixed
  • & his ears
  • finish cleaning his room
  • figure out why the fuck his mortgage isn’t paid
  • organize end of life issues : funeral?, cremation!, etc; & finances (life insurance, CDs, etc)
  • if he has to go into a nursing home, what happens with the house & his finances?
  • deposit pension checks
  • go find myself a doctor
  • go to therapy cuz holy fuck
  • inflate trailer wheels
  • plant garden
  • create passive income (stocks, CDs, landlord)
  • go to the adventure park
  • do tough mudder in a couple years
  • hike sections of the Appalachian trail
  • have a designated “prepper” spot for winter storms / blackouts
  • have appropriate emergency supplies in the car
  • turn the attic into rooms
  • own land somewhere
  • keep my father’s grocery, beer & cig money tracked separate AND together in my financial records (so I have to record some purchases 3-4 times when updating my records)
  • go on unemployment / disability?
  • get food stamps? or other assistance?
  • join a support group? of some kind?
  • be careful not to get rid of important things while combing through the hoards, from family heirlooms to the deed to the fucking house
  • get dad’s car transferred to my name
  • cut down troublesome trees, vines, & bushes in the yard
  • roll lawn
  • mow lawn
  • weedwhack
  • get dad’s teeth fixed
  • get him a backup walker
  • get decorations for the house (paintings, etc)
  • keep in touch with people
  • learn & grow
  • stop fucking smoking cigarettes
  • get out of the house more
  • get dad a new handicap sticker

Seriously. That’s also not counting self care. A lot of these responsibilities were shared with (ex)Hubby; not to mention his own responsibilities. He’s been an angel this whole time, helped me as much as he could. But…that’s the thing in the back of his head for so long, telling him to run. Not me, not anything to do with our relationship, because we can work through anything…without this nightmare. But this nightmare has only grown; it grows faster than we can manage. Every step we took felt futile, but we sure kept trying. No light at the end of the tunnel, for either of us, & we both suffered. I know I’ve felt defeated by pretty much every single thing I’ve tried to do for at least 3-4 years, in regards to this list.

Again, maybe this is just the denial aspect of the grieving process, but… My aunt reminded me yesterday that “everything happens for a reason”. He needs a break from this, I know. Hopefully, now I can get shit fixed with this ridiculous list so that we can work on whatever our future holds…

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