“Old Friend”

Thinking about him distracted me. I’ve seriously thought about him every day for over 5 years. Cuz I worry, though I know he’s fine. He was a really awesome friend most of the time; but he gets pretty cranky sometimes. And I think it causes problems in his relationships, no matter the dynamic. I don’t mean to be judgmental, but that does seem to be the case. He thinks he gets cranky because he’s had so many concussions in his life that he thinks he has a TBI. Moreso, he thinks these “stroke-ish” episodes he gets are due to that; I don’t know exactly what “stroke-ish” means to him, but it’s obviously affecting him neurologically. Personally, since he said he has like 13 of 15 biomarkers of MS, I think he’s just as likely to have low-spectrum MS. Regardless, he was mostly so nice to me, I offered him a friend for life, so long as he’d have me. I understand what he’s going through, as well as all the shit in his life that he was going through when he was still talking to me…as well as I can. I always tried to understand more, so I could figure out how to help him out with something. Anything. I would’ve had a nervous breakdown in his shoes. I was there for him emotionally as much as I possibly could without hurting myself, or my relationship with (ex)Hubby. But he’s stubborn as fuck. “Don’t need any help”, “don’t need anyone to take care of me”, & that wasn’t even fighting. 20 year army vet, what can ya expect? lol! I don’t think we were ever meant to be more than friends, though. Regardless, if he does have a TBI or MS, which progresses over time, I was actually well aware of the idea that I might have to help him out a lot, many years down the road; and I was always fine with that. I’d be there as much as I could.

And with everything he was going through, my to do list was growing, & I was chipping away at it as much as I possibly could, while also trying to be there for him as much as I could before he disappeared on me again, while also feeling guilty for my “petty” problems compared to what he was going through. He always only wanted to vent to me though; never asked for help with anything specifically. He checked my brakes for me once lol. I’ll never get over the sight of him running over to open my door for me when we went out for lunch one day; I was like are you fucking kidding me?! This isn’t a date; and that was incredibly chivalrous. Second time any guy’s ever done that for me, besides my cousins, & maybe my super Christian boyfriend in 7th grade LOL. Just had to get that outta my head, hehe. He was really cool; almost covered in cool tattoos, cute smile, great hugs, sparkle in his eyes that spoke to his fiery Leo soul. Sometimes, he was able to offer some valuable perspective; some words I’ll never forget. And he really adored the shit out of me. So, I tried so hard not to hurt him. But I don’t think it mattered. I don’t know why he let things end like he did. I don’t think it was really just that my depression (my to do list weighing on my shoulders) scared him off, though that’s how I took it for a long time (thus fueling my social anxiety). Toward the end…(I think he was a lil tipsy when he said it)…I think maybe a month before he stopped talking to me…he texted me “Oh… yeah, I am working on being IN love with you…. get over it. You feel…. right.” Yeah, I saved some of his texts. They helped me get through a lot of shit. Certainly not saying (ex)Hubby wasn’t doing his part. It’s just that he was all I had. And I couldn’t unload all of this on him, literally or emotionally. I was grateful as fuck to have met “old friend”. He said he felt like he was “supposed to” love me. And I agreed, lol. He more recently in life started experiencing depression & anxiety; well, fuck, I’ve been battling that shit for my whole life! Though…with him, anyone dealing with all the shit he was would feel that way, honestly. Then again, same here. *siigh* His extra support got me through a lot. His just being him got me through a lot. I admired the shit out of him for his incredible emotional strength (though nobody’s perfect), discipline, & will to persevere. Among a bunch of other things, haha, but… yeah. I wish he hadn’t disappeared like he did either.

I keep wanting to reach out to him. But I keep stopping myself because I can’t stand the rejection anymore. He blocked me on Twitter; I fucking hate Twitter. Blocked me on Instagram; rarely even have interest in that anymore. Neither because of him, I’m just saying – I’ve rarely had interest in much lately, especially now. Just saying. I wouldn’t be surprised if he blocked my number forever on his phone, or maybe even changed his number, who knows?! I throw out the fishing line with a “happy birthday” text or whatever, like once a year. Never a response; of course. So much love, so much trust, & quite a bit of time & energy on both parts…just thrown away. He totally started it, by the way. I always thought he was super cute, but I kept him at a distance for a long time because I didn’t want to hurt him, or me, or (ex)Hubby. He sure came in my store though, asked for my number, called me, texted me, vented his heart & soul to me, hugged me & wouldn’t let go, held my hands, laid his head on me… He was a precious soul. And damn gorgeous, lol. Never did it affect me & (ex)Hubby’s relationship though; if anything, it improved it, because he improved me. I’m less devastated about him than I was, but it took me about 3 years to find some peace with it. Accept that his friendship & love, as valuable as it is was, & as much “destiny” shone through, maybe…it was only meant to be fleeting. I’m glad for the time, regardless. I miss him very terribly in times like these. While I didn’t always agree with his perspectives, they were always refreshing to hear. He trusted me with his home, & around his kids; I basically trusted him with my life. So… I still wanna reach out to him. I figure the only thing that would get his attention is a letter & a gift, dropped off at his door. I thought about doing that a couple years ago; got all ready to do it, & chickened out. “I feel like such a loser!” My most recent idea was a crocheted Jack Skellington plushie; he’s all crocheted, he just needs to be assembled & embellished. And then the letter. I was talking to (ex)Hubby about it; he encouraged me to go for it. Cuz he knows I’ll really “fight” for something if it’s worth it (*like (ex)Hubby). But I stopped working on it when all this shit hit the fan. I can’t reach out to him right now. This is too much for him to handle. Even if it isn’t, & he were willing to at least get me outta the house once in a great while…I’d feel like my emotional weight is too much for him to stand. And I wouldn’t want to accidentally get his hopes up about anything (lol), since I don’t know what the fuck is going on with anything anymore. I wish I could just send him this post. He’d either…I dunno. He’d either get pissed, or his heart would break a lil for me. Who knows?!

Another hour & a half writing today. I was trying to write a quick post & go to bed. Still haven’t done any yoga. But I had an orange, hehe. Gonna try to finally yoga, & go the fuck to bed. That was a nice distraction, anyway. lol

ETA : Looking back, prolly shouldn’t send this to him exactly, lol :/

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