My brain won’t stop

Just keeps racing all over the place. For days. Weeks now? Maybe years, heh. I realized it’s been over 5 years since my father’s stroke. Everything’s kinda blurred together. I’ve been texting with my cousin most of the day. He said I’m too young for all this shit. I said I’ve known that for years. He used to try to get me to go out with him, drinking camping whatever, but we have different tastes heh. Asked if I wanted to go for a motorcycle ride…nooo, no motorcycle. Dirt bike, sure. Motorcycle, nooo.

Everything is still racing through my brain, past & present. All over the place. No real direction. Practice mindfulness? My mind is too full already; if I gain some control, it may get vicious. Ugh, and cramps. I think I have to take another motrin…

I really think talking to my aunt gave me better perspective. Rather, honestly, gave me hope. Reminded me of the perspective I do have. And the strength. I’m still overwhelmed, but…at least there’s some hope. It’s not because I’m weak; it’s because it was doomed to be fucked (with the house & my father) from the start, no matter what I even could’ve done. Ever. I sure have tried.

I’m really having trouble…thinking it’s over. Really believing it’s over, with (ex)Hubby. I don’t think I can even begin to accept the idea that it is. So random, after so long…so absurd. He was so stressed before this happened; hasn’t slept enough in god knows how long. Of course he was miserable. I couldn’t do enough to help; he knows I tried. I absolutely insist we work through this; our relationship. I just don’t think he can right now. I dunno…I guess I just don’t want him to forget about me. And I’m probably scared if he ever gets into a relationship with someone else, what I would do. Just being honest. I guess that’s another good reason to go to therapy, lol. If it’s really over, this shit is just too traumatic for me to be able to deal with rationally. As I showed him when he left…both times. I really thought we were going to be together for the rest of our lives, especially after “the agreement” was first discussed. I…still think…”wow, my soul mate was dropped into my lap at a gas station, & I didn’t even realize it til he stuck his tongue in my mouth!” lol! No, I realized it a little while before that…while I admired his buns, & his beautiful smile & blue eyes, & when he gave me a hug for the first time. He always gave amazing hugs. And I always felt like I was in another reality when I was in his arms; nothing mattered, everything melted away.

My father’s fucking with his radios on full blast. I have to go tell him to stop. But thanks for the distraction, Doze-wad….

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