Hmph

Dunno why his tax stuff wasn’t in his doc file, but I found it.

Anger toward him started building the other night. Just the grieving process, even though I still can’t believe he’s gone. I want to hit him. But I don’t. I just can’t believe he’d fuck me over like this. I can’t believe he doesn’t want to work through it together, even if he has to live elsewhere for a while. “Whatever happens, we’ll get through it together!” I guess I should’ve known better. Rather, I did know better, but I chose to be optimistic. Cuz I saw no reason not to be with him. So…I’m getting mad because he left me alone with this nightmare. And because he wouldn’t work through our relationship issues, & how this nightmare affected our relationship & us as individuals. That’s fucking bullshit. To just up & bail so adamantly. After almost 11 years. Absolutely ridiculous. Be a fuckin’ man. Stand up & fix shit with me. But he can’t, I know. He’s pretty beaten down from this shit, not to mention all the shit he has going on in his own life. I know. He’s obviously gotten beyond his breaking point, considering he can’t sleep for god knows how long, & wasn’t hardly eating either. Still not a good reason to bail. A good reason to get help. With me.

Well, one of my cousins reached out to me already. My aunt’s older son. Actually, I think he sent me a message before she even left yesterday, lol. Invited me out to a pig roast. Ya know… He, at times, would try to invite me out to do stuff…camping & shit. When I was younger, I was hesitant because I was going through so much with my mom, & had such little help dealing with raising myself, that I felt too abandoned to have a good time with them. When I got older, as in now… Why on earth would you invite me to an event that’s 3 months away, when I’m going through all this shit right now. I think it was the last time I saw him, a few? years ago, he invited me out camping….& I said to (ex)Hubby, “why on earth would I go camping with someone I hardly know? Yeah, alone in the woods with people I don’t know well at all. Sounds great.” Maybe someday, though… So, I told him I always appreciated the offers, but that my anxiety & depression’s been too bad for me to ever feel up to going, especially now.

I should get up & do something I guess…

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