Oh man

…this is going to be a very bad day. Just laid down for, like, an hour I think. I coughed, & gagged, & almost threw up the little bit of kefir I just had. My intestines feel like a cement mixer. I was grabbing on to one of Hubby’s pillows, quietly calling out to him. “Please come home, I need you so bad, I can’t do this alone.” Doesn’t matter. Ohh god. Please come home & help me. He can’t, he needs to help himself. But, fuck. Please! I keep trying to imagine someone here with me, comforting me at least; I feel like I’m a kid again, right after my mom died, every time I got sick, & needed someone to take care of me. And my father didn’t know how. I keep cry-moaning. …..I feel like I’ve regressed or something. Maybe that’s not the right word; but, I feel like a kid again. Helpless. Afraid. Confused. Alone. And very sad.

I don’t even know how many days it’s been without physical contact, or hardly any social contact, with anyone. ….5? He used to often want a kiss before I left the bedroom, even if I was just getting a drink or something. Always asking where I was going & what I was doing…around the house. I’d give him a kiss before getting in the shower. We were always so loving & affectionate, I’d rub his back on my way out the door if I so much as left to go to the bathroom. How could this happen?!

Hopefully this simethicone helps. And some ginger ale. We’ll see.

Just got this in my email : Male depression: Understanding the issues Hm. I always thought he had some depression, but he jokes about everything, so it’s hard to know how serious he is. And he really does have enough actual DSM symptoms for me to say this : please go talk to someone too. I don’t think he was ever actually suicidal. But…loss of interest, significant weight loss, insomnia, fatigue, feelings of worthlessness/guilt, & psychomotor agitation (which I still figure is ADHD). I don’t know how well that last one applies. I wish he would go talk to someone, at least to straighten out his self esteem & help him find some direction. It’s good that he has the love & support of his family, but I don’t think they can help him heal quite the way he wants / needs to. And I don’t know if it’s good for him to do it alone. Based on my experience, heh. I don’t think he needs medication, just someone professional to help him sort shit out maybe? I don’t know. I just want him to be ok.

Hm, I think that pill helped a bit. What isn’t helping is the fact that it’s 1pm & I still haven’t heard from my aunt. My intuition is that she’s not even gonna call, let alone come over; that she forgot about me. I’ll try not to be so pessimistic though, until I know for sure.

I’m gonna try to lay down some more… Fuck, I miss him so much.


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