Hm…some insight?

Well, I think I got some perspective on what happened to me during the course of our relationship. (Can’t sleep yet; thinking & thus shaking too much; anxiety about tomorrow.) Maybe that’s what was what was in the back of his head, telling him to run. That PTSD kick off, when I was almost 25. I assume that’s what it was, anyway. I don’t know; I just know it affected me quite a bit. All this shit started coming back to me, in reverse order. It started with my mom’s death, and went all the way back to when my classmate died in Kindergarten, and then sprinkled with more recent events at the time such as when my ex got shot. Every shitty thing creeped through the cracks. I started getting obsessed with ALS, just I felt like I had to, I felt it was time to, I felt like I should, but I found it overwhelming. And I started feeling like my genetic time bomb was ticking faster. I was talking to him about it a lot, making sure he knew what he was getting into if I did get sick, & he said he’d stick around. I couldn’t deal with that shit when it was happening. Then I was having problems with old friend, both with him distracting me by venting his own problems (& unintentionally making me feel like my problems were bullshit) and with him disappearing on me. Then my father’s stroke adding all the extra responsibilities & also making me see how little support I had from family, &…all the time after… I remember thinking I was starting to crack after about a year following his stroke. But I tried not to be a pussy & suffer through. All this time. Really, ever since I was 24. Really really since I was 14, I guess. And look where it’s gotten me….. Ugh. What a disaster.

I’m watching “The Gang Saves the Day” episode of It’s Always Sunny… I always have to stop watching when it comes to Charlie’s knockoff of Up daydream. I think that’s what it is…I know I wanted to never see the movie. Too damn sad.

Ok…4:34am. Dammit ZQuil. Dammit brain. I have to stretch some more (I should set timers to remind me if I’m gonna be on the computer so much right now). And then I have to breathe & try to sleep so I’m not too much of a nightmare when my aunt comes over tomorrow.

I hope you’re taking care of yourself, (ex)Hubby. Love you.

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