…& just got back from the grocery store. Resisted the urge to drive around anywhere, just sat in the parking lot for a few minutes before I left. I was thinking about going to another store, just to sit in the lot & listen to music, but I decided to come home.
Man, today sucked, even though I wasn’t emotionally as bad as I was yesterday. First my aunt couldn’t come over, then that bird died in the attic (I assume, I still can’t bear to look), and then I noticed that half my XMas lights in the living room burned out. Right over the spot where my mom died. Shitty omens abound. I kinda feel like I have nothing left to lose though, so, whatever. But why is all this shit happening?!?
And what made him snap on me like this?!? After putting my grocery cart away, I randomly started worrying about him. I hope he’s doing better than he was, cuz he wasn’t eating or sleeping well for a little while. I still can’t believe how much weight he lost so quickly; it was very scary. Why did all this happen like it did? He’s had to have known I’ve needed help for a while, why didn’t he help me get it? We just tried to take everything on alone. We didn’t really know how to get help, I guess. We were supposed to help each other, but I guess we couldn’t. I wish we’d have gone to therapy or something. Worked through things. Maybe my depression just consumed him; I know his wore me out quite a bit, no matter what I tried. I was getting so much better though! When and why did he fall out of love with me?! And why couldn’t we have worked through it. I just thought he was devoted to our relationship; I know I was. I just can’t believe it’s over. I really can’t. I’m in shock. After 11 years. Of so much love & affection. So much support. I hope to god we can resolve this, even if we have to just be friends for a while. I fucking love him so much.
I didn’t wear my ring out tonite, by the way. I thought about it, but decided to put a different ring on that finger… cuz I couldn’t really handle the thought of not wearing one. I always played with that ring. Always. It means so much to me.
I notice I have 8 followers on here, heh. Hi. Thanks for following my story during this very difficult time. I’m not at all writing this for attention, I just need to vent as much as I can because I’m very lonely. With that said, I very very much appreciate the love from the community, the follows & the post likes – thank you so much. I can’t really follow anyone else right now; I just don’t have the mental energy to. But if anyone wants to chat at all, leave me a comment. I could really use some friends. ❤