Just got out of the shower. Wrestlemania’s probably almost over, so I think I’m gonna send that email soon. Before I got in the shower, I was thinking about how he kept saying “why?” when I said I loved him, & he didn’t want me to touch him sometimes, & he said that he said a bunch of stuff because he wanted me to leave him, because he feels guilty. Why do I love him?! Because the past 10+ years of my life have been filled with mutual love and support, because of him. What the fuck happened?!? Why is he soo depressed? What could I have done?!? What can I do?! Especially when he says he doesn’t know what he wants. How did this hit so hard so fast?!

I gotta work on that laundry…..

……….

Done. Played on my tablet for a little while. Forgot to exercise before I took a shower, & forgot again before I heated some Chinese leftovers. Gotta try to at least do some yoga later. Oh, I should start Wrestlemania; that’ll give me some motivation.

……….

Well, mania seemed to still be on at 12:30. I’ll just watch it tomorrow. And I stuffed my face with Chinese, so I really didn’t feel like exercising after that. Did some yoga & meditation. Noticed myself tensing up during medi, thinking about cleaning the attic. When I was up there earlier, I noticed the spot where his stuff was. And some of his stuff that he left behind. I feel so bad that he’s caught up in this literal mess. It’s a bit of a nightmare for both of us.

I’m proud of myself still, by the way. Still haven’t done anything “stupid”. Only had a tiny glass of wine last nite. I was having an extra hard time this morning, but I still didn’t do anything; just wrote & cried myself to sleep.

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