Yeah, that lasted about a minute. A minute of me clutching his pillow for dear life. Second beer it is.
I hope I die in my sleep tonight. I know I won’t. But I wish I would. This is fucking unbearable. “Move on”. Are you fucking kidding me?! (Again, just getting more & more drunk; not really trying to say any of this shit.) I don’t give a fuck if it has nothing to do with that stupid old whore; none of this shit hit the fan until she came around. While I have compassion for her, I still wanna beat the everloving shit out of her. I don’t give a fuck. Fuck with his head, & then don’t even treat him / his dick right? Fuck you, bitch. Sorry, but not.
I’m just gonna be watching Trailer Park Boys, Sunny, & Seth MacFarlane shows for the rest of my life, trying to crack a smile. I think I cracked half of one earlier today. Now I’m back to horrified. No…I think I’m almost drunk enough to not give a fuck. Almost. I just wanna get fucked up til I die. “Old friend” sure as fuck wouldn’t wanna be around me like this…..so, never again. He has no patience (or compassion?) for this shit. I don’t give a fuck. I know he’s felt similar. Fuck him. Fuck everyone. I’ve been drowning for fucking years, yet still trying to help other people. For fucking what?!? NOTHING. Fucking nothing. I’m alone, & my life’s taking a downward spiral. Fuck everything.
Just hit the bowl as many times as I could to “celebrate” 4:20am. Thrice. I haven’t been able to see straight for well over a half hour. lol. Still not ready to pass out. Just gonna sleep whenever I can. Fuck it. Maybe one of these days, I’ll get my wish, & I won’t wake up. And no one will notice for a very long time. “Mama, mama I’m coming home.” As much as I always loved that song, it was always very depressing. lol. At least the alcohol is “keeping me from” “doing anything stupid”. I think beer #3 may be on it’s way. At least I got some stuff done today. I probably won’t be able to get anything done tomorrow. Though…I have to. At some point. Fuck. Maybe I’ll just keep driving past where he’s staying so I can feel some sort of closeness to him outside of his bedstuff. Fucking crazy bitch. Ugh. Fuck me.
Every time I go out drivin’, I’m careful, though I always hope I’ll fuck up & end up dead. I’m always sure I won’t; horribly mangled at worst, so I’m careful. And I was always careful as not to hurt him. Fuck; thank fuck for spellcheck; LMFAO!!!!!
Yeah, beer #3 it shall be…..
Omg, the Walking Dead reference in the new season of TPB…LOL!!! (Not really though, just a snicker.)
I wish I were stupid enough to eat the rest of the box of ZQuil. I’m too stupid to know if that much Benadryl would have any chance in hell of killing me, though I’m pretty positive it wouldn’t, even with alcohol. At worst, I’d throw up for a few hours, which would distract me from my mind til I passed out, but… Neh. Last beer I got. Til tomorrow at least. I worry that I’m perceived as doing this shit for attention or pity… By him or whoever ends up reading this… No. Never. When I used to cut myself, I very deliberately did it where no one would see, & no one would know unless I wanted them to. I’m doing this because I am so alone. Period.
…one of my friends…my jew….. He used to cut himself. In the same spot. For the same reasons. Though, of course, he was dealing with a lot more shit than I was way back then. Oh man. I miss the way things were, before he moved to another state. Oh my fucking god. I mean, I’m happy for him, I’m immensely proud of him, but oh my fucking god, he’s so far away, He’s gone. He’s hardly talked to me in years. He’s got his own amazing life. And here I am.Not his fault; just life. Kinda like life’s fucking me now…
I’m so wobbly.
Pissin’ every half hour, though I don’t seem to be pissing alcohol yet. God, I loved my PCA job, I just wish it didn;t ruin me like it did. I loved being there for the patients; it was good for them, & it was good for “business”, for corporate, but…but it was such a fucking nightmare. That company made me wanna give up on healthcare…&, if not that, I have no clue what to do with my life…because if there’s anything I should be doing…but I’m too fucking weak. -And this is just one of 550,000 things on my fucking mind every fucking second of every fucking day.-
This is so fucked. I can’t live without him. He is my everything. I don’t give the tiniest fuck how he feels about himself, he is my favorite person on this planet & always will be. Oh my fucking god, I just blew my nose into my ear…it fucking hurts so bad. Ciggy, beer, weed…ok, don’t care about my ear. Fuck. Though I really can’t see straight now. If he reads this, he’s probably like “ugh, I’m an asshole”. FUCK YOU. I don’t give a fuck. You’re worth every brain cell I’m suffocating LOL. I don’t give a fuck. Fuck you, & your self pity. I’m sorry; I’m pretty fuckin’ drunk, & devastated; I’m not at all trying to hurt you when I say that. But fuck you, & your self loathing. I’m sorry you’ve been hurting so bad for so long. And I hope you can fucking figure it out. And I hope you don’t hate me for what I’m saying in drunk devastation… But fuck that shit. I love you & miss you every second your arms aren’t around me. So fuck you. …..I say that with every bit of love in my fucking soul. Fuck. You.
……….I don’t even remember why I’m saying fuck you. LMAO. I’m sorry… Wait a minute… (5:12am, jesus fucking christ…)
…No matter what, it would’ve been worth it, because we were together forever… Am I gonna be resorting to an Ol Mil tonight?! LOL! … I made a commitment for a fucking reason, I don’t give a fuck about his self-loathing pushing me away, Even though…that’s not really the case. …I don’t think?… Oh my god, it’s such a pain in the ass for me to take a piss as it is with my father’s booster seat…..Drunk? Oh my god. Fuck……
Wow…me eyes are wide open. I saw them. But I still can’t see shit. And I just accidentally ejected his fucking WWE game. I coulda swore I hit the fucking button 1500 times earlier today & it didn’t eject; now it’s gotta fucking eject. Obnoxious bitch. (PS, & me. haha). Wtf do I do with this game?!? I’m too drunk to figure out where its case is…fuck! Not that he cares about it anymore… Fuck. The TPB song is so soothing. Sunny is second. Wanna IM, Hubby? Not tonight, obviously. Lol. Ugh. Fuck. This blog isn’t for talking to him indirectly, drunk, like an asshole.
I’m going to be out of my fucking mind for a long fucking time. It’s at least going to be an insanely brutal 3 weeks. I know myself. I may well be very seriously fucked. Forever. I keep trying to … anything. I’ve studied a little of a lot of spiritual beliefs, & nothing’s here for me when I need it. Never once in my life. I can feel little glimmers of something once in a great while. But, I’m alone. I’m truly, utterly, alone.
My motor functions are fucked. But I’m still not sleepy. 5:37am. Still pretty damn awake, & out of my mind. I was hoping to stop by Home Depot & get some wood for the porch- god knows they’ll probably be nice & help me cuz I’m a “cute girl”, but god knows they’ll stick me with the most expensive things in the store cuz I’m obviously too mentally exhausted to do what I gotta do to survive financially. And because I’m a “cute girl”. Meaning, too dumb to know any fucking thing.
FUCK this worthless life; everything’s perpetually too fucked to be worthwhile. This family, this country, this humanity… That’s why I grew to question whether or not I wanted kids. I always did. But he didn’t. I figured I’d worry about it once I hit my 30’s. Ever since I hit my 30’s, I don’t fucking want to put anyone through this fucked up piece of shit existence like I was forced to. If anything, I wanted to adopt; I figure I couldn’t make an adopted kid’s life any worse, though, considering my state of mind…that’s not good for anybody. That’s why I was in no rush. To get married, or have kids. Though, I didn’t wanna get married cuz I don’t have anyone to invite to the fucking wedding. That now doesn’t seem to be happening, ever.
Ugh, I feel so nauseous. I don’t wanna barf, I just wanna sleep. There’s no escape from this nightmare, I know; I just wanna sleep. Please!!!!!
I’ve just gotta accept a shitty life. I’ve just gotta accept a shitty future, & plan for it, & make the best of it. I’ve just gotta accept going to jail eventually. Or being stuck hopelessly in some other helpless waste of an institution. No, any healthcare institution would boot me out as soon as they saw how low-level my healthcare is. With this shit…suicide watch? 3 days max. In hysteria, I thought about checking in to Brylin. Then I remembered how pointless it would be for me, not to mention my father starving & going without his “pills” for few days. That sure wouldn’t be good for his mental health. Not that I think he’s ever been concerned about mine. Or, really, anyone else, for that matter. Besides myself. And……….Hubby.
I don’t give a fuck if he doesn’t want to be together. He will always be my soul mate, my one true love. I don’t give a fuck about whatever fucking bullshit he has going through his mind. He is, has been for over a decade, and always will be, my one & only. Not trying to make this harder on him, but… I don’t give a fuck.
6am. Not even spirituality is here for me. No deities. No nothing. Just emptiness. My pain drowns out any slight sense I ever get. Usually I can feel a slight sense of something…I’m not sure if it’s my mother, or grandmother, or what, but something. My depression drowns it out to about 1%. Or it’s not even there. Like my reality.
He’s never gonna be able to be around me again, like this. This isn’t going away. I know I wasn’t this horrifically devastated when my mom passed away. I’ve never been so blindsided & devastated in my life. I still want him around, if even just “friendship”, but… he’s not going to be able to be there for me through this. It’s too painful for him. My motor functions are so fucked right now. I’d hope I burn the house down with a ciggy, but my father doesn’t deserve such a horrific death. He might die from smoke inhalation though… *razz*. Fml. I’ve thought way too much about best & worst ways to die. Ever since I was a little kid; since my grandfather was dying. And especially after my mom died of respiratory failure (I found her death certificate a couple weeks ago, & I found out definitively for the first time that that really was the horrific method of her earthly demise…choking to death on her own blood). My life has been so overdramatic at times, so I hate talking about it, because it’s too much for anyone to handle, even after knowing me a long time, & “caring about me”, & “loving me”, & “worrying about me”. Bullshit. Where are you?!! (That’s a drunken callout to…..everyone I’ve ever known & loved…who ended up bailing on me…which is basically everyone I’ve ever known & loved………..I still can’t believe…my boyfriend when I was 14, one of my best friends for quite some time, left me when my mom was sick, because I “didn’t have enough time for” him. Still can’t believe it. I’ve been working so hard on getting over everything, & working on the present & future… AND FOR FUCKING WHAT?!? Nothing. Fuck all.)
I think I probably should’ve just taken some ZQuil. Instead of drinking. I thought I’d have passed out by now. It’s 6:21 in the fucking morning…! I should just hang out outside my old job one night & see what I can score. I know I can score something, not that that’s ever been “my style”. I’ve been thinking about that since I was still working there, but never really indulged; my customers & a coworker were often offering “goodies”. “They don’t help”, I’ve always thought. I don’t know how much I care anymore.
…3 weeks. Yeah, it’s gonna be at least 6 months before I can even remotely resemble a human being again. I’m so fucking fucked. I sure hope he’ll still at least get me weed when I need it. I’d much rather smoke than drink. Though, obviously, it’s not enough tonight. This morning. 6:31am. 4 hours now I’ve been writing on here?!? Oh my fucking god…
I feel like I’m sobering up, but I still can’t really see straight. Yeah, about 4 fucking hours. Holy shit. I still don’t think I can pass out. Fucking pointless fucking blog. Nobody’s out there but him. And maybe a random passerby. Nobody will ever really be there, period. I can’t handle any more alcohol, but I sure do need to pass out. What the fuck do I do?!? I’m mad at my spirits, & I’m mad at the universe, even though I’m not, I am; what did I do to deserve this life? All this bullshit? All these no one? Why, seriously; why?!? What the fuck did I do? This is so unfair, but life is unfair, I know. Believe me, I know. What did I do to deserve all this, though?!? Seriously! I try so fucking hard!!!!! I try so fucking hard…it doesn’t fucking matter. It always comes down to the fact that it doesn’t fucking matter, because, in the end, I’m alone. I have been for a long time, & didn’t even know it.
I just want his arms around me. I don’t care if he didn’t give a fuck about me anymore, I just need something. I’m so fucking alone. High school friends moved away, became prostitutes, strippers, gold diggers, drunks… I loved some of them too much to watch them hurt themselves like that, but I’m not their fucking keeper, so I chose to let them go. Out of love & compassion. Even if it wasn’t fair, & even when it broke my heart. There was always a reason, rarely just out of anxiety. But none of them were ever left alone like I am now. Like he left me. Oh my fuck. No; like I left myself. I loved my gas station jobs because they helped me deal with my anxiety & allowed me an opportunity to share an alternate perspective in people’s lives who needed one bad enough to consult a gas station attendant. I’ve hung out with a lot of people, gotten to know a lot of people (even against my will), grown to appreciate a lot of people…but never loved anyone like my Hubby. Not even “old friend”, though he’s probably tied for second with my “king of all exes” – I can’t morally turn my back on either of them, I’ll always have a lot of love for them, but they both disappeared like crazy in the past, & so they both break my fucking heart on a regular but unpredictable basis. Fuck, I can’t breathe. Too many ciggys, too many cries, too much pain fueling my anxiety.
6:50am. I should do some yoga or something, but I’m scared I’ll hit my head or some shit & die slowly & painfully. My luck & all. Reading back on all this shit periodically, I know how I sound. I know how I seemed when I was flipping out on him in person, in devastation. I sound out of my fucking mind. This is just what I’m dealing with. It’s a fucking nightmare. Any human being in my shoes would be on their knees like I am, just the same.
Yeah, I’m alone. No one to love, no one to hug, no one to care for. That’s the only shit I do well in my fucking life. And it’s useless. And / or thankless, in an employment, or even a friendship, scenario. Ultimately, in any fucking scenario. Every year of my fucking life, I find more & more validity in the “punk rock” lyrics I grew up with : “First thing ya learn, ya gotta make it in this world alone”, & “nothing good can last”. A-fucking-men. Guess I won’t be seeing my “favorite band” this summer now; not sure if it’s just depression talking, but I didn’t care enough for their last album anyway. Fuck everything. Nothing makes me happy anymore. Not for a very long time; but I tried! I appreciated & was grateful for & acknowledged every little glimmer of sunshine I had in my life! Because I had to. I guess I don’t really have to anymore…
I had so much fun with my retarded friends when I was a teenager, lol. I always had fun with Hubby, but different fun. It was better fun for all this time. And now I’m alone.
7:10, a touch of daylight. No more ciggies. I’ll have to owe Dozer. I’m so fucking alone. Losing “old friend” was unexpectedly devastating, even though I was expecting it sooner or later. I was never expecting this. This is literally, textbook-ic-ally, traumatic. lol. Ugh. Fuck. No more “trauma”, please? Universe? Please? What the fuck?!? Watch as something happens to my father tonight, where’s he’s suffering to death & I can’t do anything about it, even after my ER experience; that’s only been an increasing fear of mine for, like, 25 years. Fuck my loss-filled life!!!
I might be able to pass out now; let’s see….. (7:20am)