I think I’m still a lil drunk. Not in any good ways though. Oh my fucking god. So nauseous. So hot/cold. So tired. Ugggh, my intestines!
One of the cats curled up behind my back right before I had to bolt out of bed. It was nice for those few seconds to have a living breathing thing touching me. I can’t believe he’s gone. I can’t believe he doesn’t wanna be with me anymore. I can’t believe everything’s so fucked, just like that. There’s no waking up from this nightmare. Please come home. Please come home & hold me. I’m so fucking alone.
Oh my god, I feel so sick. I’m definitely getting an IBS episode; so fucking disgusting. I was such a fool thinking anyone could ever love me as much as I thought he did. I’m fucking gross. And weak, & pathetic. I can’t even stand up straight right now; almost sunk to my hands & knees in the kitchen cuz I feel so fucking lousy. These poor fucking cats. Poor fucking anybody who’s ever given half a shit about me. I’m too weak to be worth anyone’s love. I was a lost cause a long time ago, but I kept trying. It’s only left me completely heartbroken & alone. And sick as fuck. It’s only gonna get worse. Everything. I can’t fucking handle it. He said before that he still wants cuds & stuff….I hope that’s still the case, when he can handle being around me. Otherwise, I’m as good as dead. My life is over regardless, even if it technically continues. I need him around so bad. For those days when I can’t get out of bed. Cuz they’re coming, & soon. I very seriously have nothing to live for. Nothing to try for. No fucking hope. No moving on from this. Oh my god, I wanna die. I need him so fucking bad. I can’t be alone for much longer. God, this can’t be happening. Though it definitely is. I can’t fucking handle it. I need him so fucking bad. I haven’t gone this long without seeing him in over a decade. I just keep seeing him grabbing up his computer, and feeling the horrific “nooo, please”. I need him over here. And often. I can’t keep hugging myself, trying keep me together. Trying to comfort myself. Trying to survive, though I don’t want to. I wanna die so fucking bad. Nothing’s worth a fuck anymore. Without his arms around me. End this fucking nightmare. I have to survive, in case he wants me back one day. That’s the only hope I have. But I’m broken as fuck; no one wants me. Especially me. I keep begging the universe to let me die. I can’t fucking handle this. This is my worst nightmare. Oh my god I wanna die. I’m so fucked. Please be over, Hubby, as often as you can. Please check on me. Often. I’m going to need it to survive. I’m sorry to burden you. But my life is crashing down. And I have nothing. No one. No hope.
When this father of mine dies, or gets sick enough to have to be in a nursing home, I’m clocking out. My thankless work in this life is done. Shouldn’t be more than a few years, I don’t think. Though I don’t know how he’s made it this long with how much he’s abused his body. I sure won’t live that long.
Please come check on me soon. No one else will. No one else has…since I was a teenager. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please come here & hold me. I’m so fucking alone.