Unfortunately, I survived the drive

Definitely not gonna be able to handle going to a grocery store today. Managed to go get smokes, & picked up a 12 pack for my father…and probably me too. Took the garbage & recycling down before I left; came back, the recycling bin blew over into the ditch. I can’t even clean it up right now. I was going to, but the neighbor is down there picking up branches. And I sure can’t talk to anyone right now without losing my mind.

I just want my Hubby home so fucking bad. I want him around at least. Oh my god.

I found a Horizon in the nearby city, so I might go to them for counseling. If I can afford it. I’m terrified, but I think I have to go. I wonder if Hubby would want to go too; not necessarily with me, but for himself. I wonder if he’d at least take me. I dunno. I gotta see if it’s safe to clean up my mess outside yet…

Nope. Ugh. I ….. I …. O wow, someone’s actually following this blog. Hi. Sorry I’m so miserable.

I need him here so fucking bad. I need to be consoled. And comforted. And I need to sleep. Forever. I almost wanna go back on Facebook, just for some support. Some superficial, very short term support. Cuz nobody sticks around. And I sure need some stability right now. I really hope he can come over & just be with me for a little bit soon. Like, tomorrow, heh. He has school, he’ll be in the area. I don’t even wanna talk; I don’t wanna make him feel any worse. I just want him around. So I don’t feel so alone. “Watch” a tv show or movie…while I bask in his company. Cuz it’s all I have, & I don’t even have it anymore. Come over, please; make sure I call & make an appointment. Be with me when I do this; I can’t do it alone. O god. I’m so fucking weak.

Can I clean up that fucking mess yet?! It looks like it wants to rain… Got it. In tears the whole time, so I’m glad said neighbor didn’t come back. Still thinking about Facebook. I’ll take any love I can get right now, no matter how fleeting. I wanna write back to him, but I still can’t. I don’t know what to say except please don’t leave me. I can’t change how he feels. He’s happier free, alone, & away from this house. But he still wants to be there for me, be friends, etc. I need him to come over soon, fairly often, & regularly. Because, right now, I’m in very bad shape. And will be for some time. I’m sorry to be so emotionally dependent on him like that. Especially when he feels bad for this whole situation, & how devastated I am. But I need him so fucking badly.

Sorry I couldn’t reply last nite. I still can’t. But I’m writing furiously on my blog. Cuz I don’t know what else to do. This pain is fucking crushing me. I can’t sleep, so bare with me; I’ll try to make this quick.

I wasn’t trying to keep tabs, btw; I just needed somewhere safe to go to lessen the chances of getting in a car accident. And speaking of, I don’t want the car back; I don’t need 2 cars, so just try not to get in an accident. You know I never want to take any money from you, but I’m too fucked to turn any away. And I’m not throwing anything away; I’m holding onto everything for dear life cuz it’s all I have. Everything reminds me of you. I’m writing this on your desk, lol. Just please don’t take anything else; not for a while.

There will be no more arguments; there’s nothing to argue over. There was before, because 10 years is worth fighting for. But you’ve made your feelings clear- you’re happier free, alone, & away from this house (and all I ever wanted is for you to be happy); but you do want to be friends still, be here for me, help me out, & I thank you for that. I need it. Very badly. Because I’m not ok, & I don’t feel like I’m ever going to be. I need you more now than I ever have in all the time we’ve known each other. But I know it kills you to see me like this, & probably think being around wouldn’t do me any good. It would; but please come over when you feel you can handle me like this, because it’s not going away for a very long time. Maybe never. I think I found Horizon counseling services…I’m sick to my stomach terrified to call them & make an appointment. Absolutely paralyzed. I need your help, when you’re ready. I, unfortunately, need your help with a lot of things. I’m not trying to fuck with you, or rush you, please do what ya gotta do, I’m not trying to make you feel shitty. When you’re ready, I’ll still need you.

I’ll never tell you to fuck off seriously. Even if I didn’t need you so bad. You know how much I’ve loved you. I’ll always love you, even if you just wanna be friends.  I miss you. I hope I can see you soon.

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