He replied. I’m crying & shaking so much I can’t hardly type. Oh my god. I just want my fucking life back; my fucking Hubby. Never in my life did I think this would happen. Fuck, I wanna cut myself so bad. I fucked things up so bad, so long ago, & they were never resolved. Now my fucking life is ruined. Oh god why. Make this nightmare fucking stop. Fuck. I seriously feel like I’m gonna have a nervous fucking breakdown.
He didn’t wanna message me cuz he didn’t want to get into another argument; I sure don’t have the energy to argue or fight. I’m surprised I even have any tears left, but they just keep pouring out in devastation. Years ago, I wanted to be free & shit too; and then I looked at him & decided to grow where I’m planted cuz I love him & he’s worth it, even though I’m (now) planted in shit. He wishes I were angry enough to tell him to fuck off , fix myself, & find someone else. I fixed myself as much as I could before he kicked my legs out from under me with this. I don’t want anyone else. I’ve met so many fucking people in my life, & pretty much everyone is a fucking asshole. Why else would I be so alone? Why else would I be so attached to him, like he was to me? No one really gave a fuck about me but him. I don’t want the stupid car back, nor have I ever really given a fuck about money; shit’s fucked, I don’t fucking care anymore. Fuck everything, seriously. I’m not even pissed off, I just want to be in his arms. I don’t care about anything else. I haven’t cared about much else for over 10 fucking years. Throw out his stuff?!? I’m holding onto it for dear life, cuz it’s all I have. Everything reminds me of him; packing some things up didn’t make any difference, I just needed something to do in the moment so I wouldn’t snap. And I’m seriously not going to be ok. It’s going to take me years to “get over it”, though I’m sure I never will; I’m still mourning my mother. And I only knew her a few years longer than I’ve known him. There’s no getting over this. There’s no “okay”. There’s no “moving on”. He wants to break up & be alone for now so he can figure out what he wants to do with his life; fine. I don’t fucking care, I just need him around.
I miss him so fucking much it’s killing me. I think I need to take a shot. Oh my fucking god. Last shot of the bottle. I about dropped to my knees in the kitchen, thinking “please god, kill me now, I can’t deal with this, I can’t”. Fuck, I might have to try a shot of tequila too. This is my life now- quiet, sad, pathetic, & alone. There’s no light in my life anymore. No hope. Nothing to try for. Oh god.
I don’t care if he wants to be alone, but be friends, & let me move on. That’s all fine, but I’m not fucking moving on. I already know it’s not worth it to; he’s worth everything to me. Even if he’s not in love with me anymore. Even if he might never be again. I don’t fucking care. I love him more than anyone I’ve ever met. I made a commitment for a reason, & I refuse to turn my back on something so meaningful. Even if it fucking kills me. Fuck I wanna die. The liquor didn’t quell the urge, but it did make it less likely. Ugh, I bought this Corona for us, & I don’t even like it much anymore; I gotta get some Rolling Rock tomorrow & get my alcoholism started. And more Soco. Or rum & coke. Fuck it. Fuck everything. Yeah, I’m pretty drunk already. Hopefully it takes a while for tolerance to build. Especially if he stops getting me weed. Fuck. I don’t care, I just want him. I want him to feel like himself again. I want him to love me again. What the fuck. He won’t. I want him to come over. I need comfort. But I’m sure he can’t come over cuz it’s probably too much for him to see how insanely devastated I am. I won’t be able to stop crying if I do see him. Not to make him feel guilty, but just because I miss him so fucking much. God fucking dammit. And I wasn’t really trying to keep tabs on him, I just needed to get out of the house & didn’t know what else to do with myself. I keep thinking I should go to a bar or a club. And then I’m like “yeah, I’m doing that alone…then again, I kinda hope I get raped & killed”. I thought about going to a strip club, telling them that I’m considering a change of career. Been thinking about camming to make some money; just get drunk as fuck & go for it. Fuck it. Fuck me. Everything’s fucked now. Not a drop of optimism in my soul. My legs have seriously been bashed out from under me. I don’t give a fuck about tabs. Fuck, I wanna die. No, dying is scary; I just wanna be dead. I’ve wished for a long time that I was never born, but I keep trying & trying to make it a good life. It doesn’t fucking matter. I should’ve killed myself a long time ago. Before I ruined his life. But I never knew things could be so shitty. This worthless fucking life. Just keeps fucking shitting on me. (And this rant is why I haven’t responded to his email yet.) He can’t handle this shit; I’ve been fighting it forever. I actually just considered jumping on the heroin train. lol. Jesus fucking christ.
I don’t know what el…I’m pretty drunk. I don’t know how to respond. I just know I can’t right now. So, maybe he’ll read this. Maybe he won’t. Either way, I’ll try to come up with a reply tomorrow. I’m gonna finish my beer, probably have another one, & try to pass the fuck out. Maybe I’ll be back later when all this maltose really starts hitting me…..
(This took me an hour & a half to write, btw)