Got a few more hours sleep after this morning’s heartache; though I seem to wake up every hour or so. Still, woke up with some energy, so I started gettin’ myself busy. Did the dishes, got the paper, vacuumed, took measurements for boards to fix the porch roof so we don’t end up with birds living in there again, & spent a few hours going through my closet, putting in some warmer weather clothes, and cleaning up the kitchen fan & a couple spring decorations. I haven’t really done anything else. I’m not even eating right today- had a cup noodle at 3:30, & now having the last of my sushi at almost 9. Need more protein & veggies later tonite. Need to try, at least.
I broke down crying about every 20 minutes or so. Still haven’t heard from him; he’s probably watching Wrestlemania with his friend right now. I’ll watch it later, cuz he’s probably using his WWE Network account. I think I’m gonna email him the letter I wrote. After mania, cuz I don’t wanna ruin his good time. Even though that’s what I do best I guess, heh…
I don’t think I’m gonna go drive tonight. I was planning to go to the res, but it can wait til I go to Wegman’s tomorrow. I gotta get a shower after the next load of laundry is done. Then I have more laundry to put away.
It’s been over 2 days since we talked. Longest in over 10 years. I miss him so fucking much.
Well, I revised the letter, heh…
I’m sorry. I know you don’t wanna hear it, but I am. I’m sorry I wasn’t more attentive to your needs, & I’m sorry for the things I’ve said & done in hysteria. I’ve never been so scared, confused, or sad. And it’s absolutely overwhelming.
I knew I should’ve listened to you when you insisted on time apart, but I was too recently & brutally blindsided by this whole situation – I needed you home or I would’ve lost my mind. But you obviously need some space, & I obviously can’t handle you being here knowing you don’t wanna be. So stay gone as long as you need to; come over whenever you want. I just hope you’re willing to work through this, cuz I am. I fucking love & miss you more than you could imagine, & there’s never been an ounce of complacency in my heart when I’ve ever said that.
I’m sure you won’t read much, if any, of this, but… I started a blog to try to keep my shit together, since I have no one to talk to. can’t give up
You don’t have to respond. Take your time, do what you gotta do. I hope you’re ok, though I’m sure you are. I hope to hear from you soon. Love you
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the fucking mess my father left for me today. He tried getting in this one kitchen drawer for god knows what reason, knocked it even further off its track, and in the process somehow knocked around the cat tray. Cat food & water all over the fucking place. Didn’t clean it up. Why on earth would hubby not want to be here?! Fml. He didn’t even say thanks when he saw me cleaning it up. Though, I’m pretty sure he didn’t even realize anything happened; I don’t think he’d say or do anything about it if he did know it happened.