Can I please just pass out?

I sent that email, & then tried playing on my tablet. But I can’t. He said “there was always something in the back of my head telling me that I wanted to get out”. Why??? My life, these situations I’ve found myself in with my family & this house, are not for the weak. They’ve scared or pushed everyone away. I’d run from them myself if I could. Too much weight on my shoulders to ever be able to run very far. Like my old friend said, “this stuff is big, & you my dear are little”. Very simple way of saying a huge truth. I’m only one person carrying around all this responsibility, as well as a ton of weight from my past, no matter how hard I try to shake it. I just keep getting more & more crushed. I don’t know who I could trust, or how to get help, who to ask, who won’t ultimately take everything away from me. “Always something”?!? This whole time?!? He always loved me so much. He was always so fucking good to me. I never wondered if he loved me; never questioned him in the slightest. “Always something”; I don’t believe it. In more recent years, I can understand, but not always. I really really hope he just needs some space to clear his head. I understand. As horrified as I am, I do understand. Though I do feel a bit betrayed, I don’t care. I really do understand. I think. I just hope he can come over fairly often, heh. Cuz I’m in immense pain. And I hope we’ll be together again someday, because he’s the best thing I’ve ever seen. Seriously. He was so fucking good to me, & I’d do anything for him. I wanna go to counseling in the hope that I can heal for him. I can’t kill myself, cuz I still can’t do that to him. He still cares about me, he’s just too stressed out to deal with all the bullshit surrounding me, cuz it’s overwhelming, & he needs to focus on himself for a little while. He doesn’t want me to wait for him, but… I don’t think I can’t. I can’t be with someone else while I still love him, & I always will. I have hope, maybe it’ll be a few years, but I do have hope that we’ll be back together. That’s all the hope I have. At least he still wants to be friends.

O… He replied…


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