I feel so sick…

Ugh, I just woke up after a very tumultuous 5 hours sleep. I had my alarm set to wake me up so I could listen to Hubby on the radio, but I don’t know if I turned it off or if it just never went off. So, here I am almost 2 hours later; took me a hot minute to get the website working. Woke up only because one of the cats puked on one of my pillows, and the blanket & fitted sheet I was laying on. Now my stomach hurts really bad. Oh, I just heard him. Probably the only VT I’ll hear. He sounded good. Ugh, I miss him so much. I just want his love. That’s all I ever really wanted from him.

Not sure if it’s the website, or my shitty internet / computer (/ life), but the goddamn player stopped playing. Could also be the radio station heh. Pretty sure I heard the last VT of his shift anyway. I’m still so proud of him for getting on air. He really is good at it. Fuck, I miss him so much. I hope to god he doesn’t wanna break up, holy fuck. I wanna work through this.

Oh yeah, he’s on for another hour lol. Yeah, I’m definitely having a tummy episode. Rather, starting one. I ate pretty well yesterday, so there’s no reason my intestines should be so upset (besides my broken heart). But they sure are. I have to wonder if it’s a gall bladder issue by the looks of it. Oop, heard him a lil bit again. I have no clue what he said though heh. Ugh I feel sooo fuckin’ lousy. I just want him here rubbing my back so fucking bad. It’s the only solace I’ve had for a lot of years. Ugh, I can’t stand listening to this music…”hold on to me, cuz I’m a little unsteady…if you love me, don’t let go”. I’ve had to let go of just about everyone I’ve ever loved…thus why I’m unsteady. Ugh, I just got snot all over my hand lol. I’m so disgusting, especially with these tummy probs. Ooh, 3 VTs now heh. Fuck I just want his arms around me. This is the worst. All of it. “Take me in your arms & never let me go…everything will be alright if you let it go”. I hope he’s ok. Those last 2 VTs sounded a bit rushed, though good otherwise. I’m sure he’s “fine”. He has a lot of support. 4 VTs now; he said my favorite band’s coming up. I had to change the station last nite cuz the song (the one I’m sure is gonna play soon) made me cry so hard while I was driving heh. We were supposed to go see them this summer. It was gonna be the first real concert we went to together. I was really looking forward to it. Yup, definitely is that song. It’s kind of giving me an anxiety attack heh. “Gotta make my way away to you.” Oh, another VT after the song. The psychological weight of no affection or real social contact is gonna start getting to me soon. I always knew it was foolish to be friendless when in a relationship, & I tried not to be, but I couldn’t help it. He always used to wanna spend every second with me. I used to try to get him to go out with me, but he would always rather stay home with me. Well, just heard his last VT. God I want his arms around me. There was never any complacency on my end; just loyalty, love, appreciation, & respect. I sure wasn’t as affectionate as I was in complacency.

Well, guess I’m gonna try to go back to bed…

ETA : Yeah, can’t. Whaaaaat. God, he was always so good to me; I tried to be so good to him. Why is this happening?!? I feel so fucking nauseous. Wow, I’ve already made 10 posts on here. That’s how alone I am. I got pretty sick of the internet a while ago, so I don’t even have online friends anymore. I often feel like I’m supposed to be alone. But that’s depression talking. Sure doesn’t help me find good friends. Fuck I’m freezing! Once this all started a couple weeks ago, I was always warm even when I should’ve been cold; now, I think I’ve been freezing for about 5 days actually. I’m back to being cold, stiff, & exhausted. He was so warm & loving. I wish I hadn’t woken up; now I’m just bawling my ass off. Pathetic whimpering & silent screaming. I just miss him so much. I tried so hard not to put too much burden of any kind, emotional or with responsibilities, on him. I wanted him to never feel burdened by anything. I never tried to play a martyr or anything like that either, just trying to do whatever I feel I gotta do. We never had any problems; never fought or anything major. Always love & compassion. For over a decade. Holy fuck, why is this happening?! I was feeling soo much better than I was a few months ago, & now it’s all crashed down on me harder than ever.

ETA : ….nope, still crying. All over his pillow, heh. Can’t help it. I’m so cold, I put his other pillow over me. Made me miss him more. He didn’t want to even touch me, especially when I was crying…though that was all I wanted. With every fiber of my fucking existence. Why?! I just can’t imagine he’d throw away this relationship. Though I did say a lot of shit in hysteria. Though I think it was understandable that I would. Maybe he just couldn’t deal with me out of my mind like that. I couldn’t either. I’ve literally never been so devastated. Nor have I ever cried so much.

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