Cruisin’

I don’t know how good these drives are for me… No matter where I think of to go has some sort of loss attached to it. Though, it does feel good to get out of the house & get a little fresh air. At least the shitty car is comfy heh.

So, I drove around for about an hour. Immediately realized that I wanted to listen to Hubby on the radio, & that would be in just a few hours. So, we’ll see. I miss his voice. Split second decided to drive by his bro’s again. Like a pathetic fucking stalker. I was just curious again if he was out with her, & he wasn’t. As soon as I saw the car, I started worrying about him, though I’m sure he’s fine. He got so thin so fast, and wasn’t getting enough sleep, and busy every day… And all this stuff started when he started talking to her. What the hell did she do to him? He felt so guilty, yet not. Is she possessed by a succubus? LOL No, she’d know how to work a dick a little better lol. (Sorry; mad wife.) Anyway, yeah, I’m worried about him. But I’m sure he’s fine. Though I know he’s obviously kinda not, but he is. But he’s not. After there, I’ve been wanting a country drive, so I drove by his mom’s. Sent some good vibes. Cried quite a bit. Will I ever go there again? It’s making me cry right now thinking about how badly I wish I could go over there & talk to her about this. But she’s not my mom. And I shouldn’t put her in that position, especially with her son involved. The fact that I might never go there again breaks my heart even more than it already is. Fml. After that, I just headed home. I knew where to keep my eyes out for deer, & I did see a few right where they always are. Saw a couple walking their dog; confused the shit out of me from a distance & I just about blacked out for a couple seconds, forgetting where I was. Got gas. Came home. And yes, I did put on my ring.

I’m just so fucking miserable. The fresh air didn’t soothe me much. I didn’t hear from him today. O, well, let me check my email…no, didn’t think so. I’m so fucking heartbroken & scared, that….since he doesn’t seem to be in a rush to get his bed stuff, I’m sleeping with his pillows and blanket tonight. Heh. What a fucking weirdo. He’s got all around better bed stuff than I do anyway. So…I don’t know what I’m gonna do. Maybe get some blackberries & a small glass of wine, nap for a bit, then try to listen to him in the morning. I don’t know how well that’s gonna work out, cuz I’m sure not gonna just sit here & listen to the radio all morning heh. …I just want my Hubby so bad. I’m so scared & confused; I don’t know what’s going on with him, or us. I’m worried about everything. I feel like this is mostly my fault. And I’m so scared that it’s ruined for him.

I was thinking earlier… I kinda hope we go back to “dating”, like we did years ago when he moved out for a few months (which he said he’d never do again). Still be engaged, but not living together for a little while. If I’m being honest with myself, I can’t handle him being here when he doesn’t want to be here. And I can’t handle knowing how often he’s hanging out with her, because it’s killing me with this stuff between us going on.

Well, I’m exhausted. I’m gonna try to get berries & wine, & at least lay down for a little while……….

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