Well, another craptastic day, literally & metaphorically. Heh ugh. Spent all day watching Trailer Park Boys, trying to keep my spirits up. Including the new season, which was pretty good, what I could manage to focus on. Super tired today, in part because of my tummy. Did all my chores, though. Ate fairly well- small can of soup for breakfast, yogurt for a snack, half a tray of sushi for lunch. Right now, I’m making my ungrateful father & my shitty self some spaghetti & meat sauce…it’ll probably last us a month heh. Finished up some stuff with my next bullet journal, worked out last month’s finances (even without my splurges = UGH!) , and worked on my crochet project a bit. I felt too sluggish earlier to take a shower, but I might still take a bath. I dunno. I’m so drained.

I just want my Hubby. Even if he needs to move out for a while to clear his head. I just don’t want him to leave me. I feel pathetic because I literally begged him not to leave. I wish I knew if he were actually leaving me. …or maybe I don’t, I dunno. I don’t know if I can handle it. I love him so much. He actually said “maybe we should break up then”. What the fuck happened? He used to adore the shit out of me. For 10 fucking years, up until a couple weeks ago. I said so much shit in my hysteria. I couldn’t help it. I threw a pillow at him & he yelled at me for the first time ever. And I think I told him to go fuck his girlfriend….I don’t know where that even came from…like, there was no thought process, it just came out of my mouth. I hope I didn’t ruin it for myself. I’m in a lot of pain.

I don’t even wanna eat. But I think it’s almost done… Ehh, everything smells like shit to me today. My sushi & yogurt tasted decent though. Just dumped a bunch of Italian seasoning & minced garlic in my sauce. My father went to bed shortly after I started cooking, which is would normally prefer, but I’m too lonely & it’s too quiet. Guess he’ll be having sketti for breakfast tomorrow heh.

I wonder how Hubby’s doing. What on earth is going through his mind. I hope to god he doesn’t leave me. I love him so fucking much. I feel so shitty knowing that he’s been feeling shitty. And I feel extra shitty for neglecting him where I did in the past. I’m not even sleepy, but I just wanna fall asleep in his arms. I want him to stay with me while I cry, & heal. I want to help him figure out whatever he needs to figure out & do whatever he wants to do. He kept saying he doesn’t know what he wants. Except that he doesn’t want to lose his new girlfriend, despite my insecurities. Which is against the agreement. If one partner feels uncomfortable with anything, we need to work something out, even if that means cooling things a little bit. “But I don’t wanna” “I understand, but I need you.” Didn’t matter. How heartbreaking. Back to what I was talking about in an earlier post, about her putting ideas in his head…..my old friend used to do the same a little bit, I think until he realized how devoted I was to Hubby. “Whatever happens, we’ll figure it out, we’ll get through it together.” Fuck my life. I hope that’s still the case.

I wish he hadn’t taken the screen wipes I just bought. My laptop & tablet are filthy, heh. I don’t think I’m gonna get a bath tonite. Though I should probably still have that glass of wine I was planning on having in the tub. Fuck, I just realized I forgot to dump some mushrooms in my sketti sauce. O well. Tasted pretty decent heh. I noticed that my neighbor just got home when I was out in the kitchen last, so now I kinda wanna go for a drive. Not the same drive as last nite. Maybe drive out past his mom’s, just so I don’t end up getting myself lost. It’s quite a drive, but I could probably still do it with my eyes closed. I dunno. We’ll see…

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