Ugh fuck

I keep crying on & off. It took me about a half hour to get out of bed to feed my father & give him his pills.

I gave Hubby everything I could, & it didn’t matter. For 10 years, & it didn’t matter.

I slept with his pillows last nite cuz mine suck. They don’t really smell like him until I buried my face in one. I’m holding one of them now. It’s all I have left. I covered myself in my pillows last nite so I wouldn’t feel like I was completely alone…even though I am.

Ugh I feel so sick. So fucking nauseous. All this shit is starting to kick me in the face. What did I do to deserve this?! I just want my Hubby home & caring about me. I just wanna cry in his arms. But he doesn’t wanna be around me anymore. I’m so fucking devastated. Confused & empty. And alone. Sooo fucking alone. How could he change so quick?! I haven’t longed for my mom since I was a kid. A girl could really use her mother at a time like this. But she’s long gone. I’ve lost everything. He was all I had left, besides this overwhelming fucking house.

So many things I never expected. So many things I was weary of, but pushed aside. He said a couple weeks ago that I’m too emotionally dependent on him. I don’t know if he was just saying that or not. It took a long time for me to open myself up to be able to depend on him at all. I’m a very independent person. Always have been. But I thought I could depend on him. And he threw it in my face. He started spitting out words like that when he started talking to this other chick. Seems kinda like her relationship problems put a bunch of bullshit in his head. Like the word “complacency”. I thought that word kinda meant floating along with routines & same old bullshit just cuz you’re “supposed to”. Staying in a situation because you feel stuck. It actually means being smug about achievements. I’m never arrogant, because things could always be better. Our relationship was pretty great- no fights, no problems on the surface. Just hidden from me. He said he felt stuck here. I’m literally stuck here. I did everything I could to try to make it better for both of us. But I couldn’t take us out anywhere without putting it on credit. I’m pretty much still paying off every trip we’ve taken in the past 10 years. And he doesn’t even make enough money to help pay for groceries & other necessities, let alone take me out to a nice dinner or out for drinks. He tried to, like a month ago, & I really really appreciated it…even though the food sucked pretty bad. I was happy to get dressed up a lil & get out of the house with him. And it made me so happy. We’ve been so poor for so long that a week or so ago I bought a new shirt for the first time in, like, 2 years. And it wasn’t from WalMart, for the first time in like 5 years. Still couldn’t afford it, but my credit’s fucked anyway. I’m in waaay over my head. Anyway…as depressed as I almost always am, I’m always trying to make things better. Even though it doesn’t fucking matter. Complacency. Bitch, fix your own goddamn marriage & stop ruining my relationship with my sweet loving Hubby. I’m pretty sure his relationship with her is what’s making him snap, considering all the other stress he’s got. It’s one thing to be there for a friend, it’s another to drop your wife on her ass out of nowhere after over a decade.

I should go do the dishes. And eat a yogurt, cuz I’m already not eating like I should…

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