Ugh

I’m having an incredibly awful time right now, & I just need a place to vent & keep track of myself. I have depression, & I’m dealing with the potential loss of an 11 year relationship. I was doing pretty well dealing with myself up until all this shit came crashing down. (In case some strangers find themselves here, or if I share the link with anyone… I’ll describe bits & pieces as I go along. But this is gonna be a lot of rambling. Sorry.)

I really don’t know what to say or where to start. So I’m just going to start wherever…

He left again today. I was hysterical. I’ve been so scared that he was gonna leave again…that he left. I managed to keep myself busy, and take care of myself fairly well. He needs time away from this house to clear his head (& I don’t blame him, even though I don’t get the same ability to escape). So, after he left, I put together some of his stuff that he left behind in one laundry basket, and some stuff that reminds me of him in another basket. I also eventually wrote him a letter, which I put in the basket. I’m probably perpetually making things worse, but…

I’m sorry. I know you don’t wanna hear it, but I am. I’m sorry I wasn’t more attentive to your needs, & I’m sorry for a lot of things I’ve said & done in hysteria. I’ve never been so scared, confused, or sad. And it’s absolutely overwhelming.

I knew I should’ve listened to you when you insisted on time apart, but I was too recently & brutally blindsided by this whole situation – I needed you home or I would’ve lost my mind. But you obviously need some space, & I have a lot of healing to do. So stay gone as long as you need to. Come over if you want; though I’m sure you won’t want to, after seeing how devastated I am. This truly is my worst nightmare.

It really is. And a lot of my life has been filled with mini- nightmares. I never saw this coming. I felt like something was a tiny bit off, but I ignored it because nothing in front of me really seemed off, and because I worry that my depression & anxiety make my intuition less dependable. I really thought we were both committed to making our relationship work for the rest of our lives, no matter what.

I dunno. I’m kinda scared to even write anything, because I might give him the link. I don’t wanna bore him. Or anyone else. Nor do I want to ruminate, or push him any further away. I just need to…try not to do anything stupid, honestly. Last time he left, I was so devastated that I chugged about 6 shots of SoCo, and drank a beer & 3/4 of a second one. In about 45 minutes. Now, I don’t drink. Not a hard rule, but I don’t wanna become an alcoholic like my father. That night I needed to, because I was very legitimately out of my mind. I drank til I could hardly pull myself up off the floor. Another concern is self harm. I used to bang my head on the wall when I was a kid, which led to a little cutting as a teenager. Cutting helped a lot more than banging my head so hard I couldn’t see straight for a moment. I actually banged my head on the wall last time he left…so hard that I still have a slight ringing in my ear. I haven’t cut myself since one time in 2009, and before that, since I was about 14.

I’m proud of myself for not taking any of those routes of “dealing” with this. Of coping. Cuz I know they don’t really help. But what does?!? All I do is smoke weed, but it doesn’t help as much as it used to, of course; I have half a Xanax that I was gonna take half of today if I felt some anxiety coming on, just to see if it would actually help with that, but then all this shit happened. I don’t wanna waste it on grief that it won’t resolve.

So, I kept myself busy & tried to focus a bit on taking care of myself. After packing up some of his stuff, I cleaned the bathroom & did its laundry. Exercised, took a shower, finished prepping my next bullet journal, worked on a crochet project, did some yoga & meditation, & picked at some leftovers. I do have my knife nearby, because the will to avoid cutting myself is wearing thin, but I’m not a very intense cutter, and I’m trying to exhaust other avenues before resorting to anything “stupid”.

I do feel the need to get out of the house. I’ve felt so for at least a couple hours. Just drive around & get some fresh air. I’ve been trying not to chain smoke, but I’m still smoking quite a bit. So I could use some fresh air. And there’s nowhere to even walk around here without freaking anyone out lol. So, I think I’m probably gonna go out around midnight. Probably gonna drive by his brother’s house to see if the car is there…cuz if it’s not, he’s hanging out with his girlfriend. Which I pretty much expect after today’s catastrophe. Then I might drive by an old friend’s house…which is pointless. But it’s something to do. This old friend is a whole story of its own…

So…I guess I’m gonna start getting ready to go out. I’ll surely try to post in here often, cuz I surely do have a lot on my mind, & my shoulders. I’ll at least try to post in here daily.

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