Just got home. (And I know it’s pathetic to write my everything on a blog. But I literally have no one to talk to.) Left around 12:30. Drove by his brother’s house around 12:45, and the car was there. He must not have gone to see her after she got out of work tonight. Which was what started the shit today. When he came back a week or so ago, I asked him not to spend too much time with her because we obviously need to work on our relationship. I started feeling insanely insecure as soon as he left me the first time. He hung out with her & some coworkers the other night, & he hung out with her a couple nights before that (I think), & there was a time before that where they tried to have sex in the parking lot where they work (which would be fine, since he told me about it, but they didn’t use a condom). He told me in the beginning (like, a month ago?) that he had feelings for her. Whenever I’ve asked him not to hang out with her, he guilts me into saying ok, even though I told him when he came back that I’m going to need some time. “What about my feelings?” I understand, I really do, but I would never in my life put him through all this. I love him too much. I feel like he obviously doesn’t feel the same. Anyway…he didn’t even end up hanging out with her. I could’ve just bit my lip & not said anything about it, but I couldn’t. I’ve been too scared. I could’ve bought myself more time. Bought us more time. But I couldn’t. I used to be his everything; and he is mine. But I don’t feel like he feels that way anymore. He’s sick of me. And that makes me sick. Anyway… after driving by there, I stopped by Wegman’s to get chicken so I can try to make something healthy within the next few days. The only other protein I have is ground beef. While I was there, I got myself a cheap tray of sushi & a pack of gum. Drove out by my old friend’s house. I think he got a new car. Yup. Pointless, & a lil painful drive by. I miss him so fucking much. But I think my depression scared him away. I thought he could understand, but I guess he couldn’t. And he didn’t give me a chance to try to explain face to face…

The shit really started hitting the fan for me several years ago, when my father had a mild stroke. We were living with Hubby’s mother at the time (because of a family emergency, at first). My father couldn’t drive anymore, so I had to drive to his house often, to bring him beer, cigs, groceries, clean, do his bills, do his yardwork, etc. I didn’t want either me or Hubby to have to move back in with my father, because it’s a stressful environment (my father’s a whole story in itself). So, I basically ran myself into the ground doing that, and trying to work 4 days a week, & (for a couple semesters) trying to go to school. Did that for, I think, a couple years. We overstayed our need at his mother’s house, & all that driving around really wore me out. So, we moved back in. And my father’s only gotten worse. Meanwhile, my “old friend” started talking to me (again) for a few months. This friend & I got really close several years ago when he was under an immense amount of stress & needed support. He came to me for whatever reason, and I grew to love the shit out of him. Everything, good and bad…except that he has a bit of a temper & tends to disappear. That I don’t know how to deal with, because of all the loss & death I’ve experienced in my life. I said I’d always be there for him, & I don’t say shit like that unless I mean it, but it’s been almost 4 years now since we last talked. So, Hubby & I made an agreement, where we’re allowed to have sex with other people once in a while etc. I never “cashed in” with this friend for 2 reasons: I wanted Hubby to go first because I wasn’t sure how he’d feel once it was done & because I have more “experience” than him (most of which weren’t pleasant experiences, lol); the second reason being that I didn’t wanna risk fucking with my friend’s heart…cuz I was really scared it would’ve, & the last thing I wanted to do was hurt either of them. But, we talked for a few months, & hung out quite a bit, & had a lot of fun. Then I was having a pretty bad depression day, & I tried talking to him about it a little bit, & it turned into what I thought was a debate about the validity of depression & ADHD, & psychology & psychiatry in general. He ended up getting pretty pissed when I said I wanted to come over & try to work it out, & kinda started flipping out on me. I tried to stay calm, & I did my best. But I’ll never forget the last thing he said to me- “How dare you patronize me with I love yous & I care about yous, & if you’re not patronizing then you’re fucked up and I want no part. Leave me alone.” So, for the most part, I have left him alone. I offered him time & space, & he never came back. I wonder if Hubby will do the same. Hubby has feelings for this chick. I had feelings for my friend too; I adored the shit out of him, trusted him with my life, got high on the sparkle in his soul. He was quite a treasure for the most part, & I wanted him around for the rest of my life. He was the only other friend I’ve made since high school, besides Hubby. I’ve tried, but my anxiety & depression make that a very difficult process. And increasingly so. I wasn’t trying to be condescending with my friend, for the record; I was trying to get it through to him that I was very scared & confused about the situation, but that I genuinely do love & care about him, & want him around. After that….. I had trouble trusting anyone & everyone. Not to forget that it had recently started hitting me how little people genuinely care, & the fact that I have literally no family around to help me with my father. At all. I was so fucking crushed. But I carried on, & tried hard not to let it affect Hubby, or our relationship. Same with all my responsibilities at my father’s house. So, in part because of said friend, I had an extra difficult time the last year at the gas station. I stuck around, in part, because I hoped to see him again. Or at least be able to find out how he’s doing. One of his sons got hired right when I left for another “better” job (HAAAAAA!) Showed up at this new job hopeful…got shot right the fuck down. I was literally trained to know that everyone’s miserable, employee-wise, and no one gives a fuck anymore. Which was exactly why I left that job 4 years prior- I didn’t wanna watch that happen, especially after I’d been fucked with like I had by new management. This second time around, the misery was unbearable. On top of that, I kept being put in areas where I was over stressing my broken back, so I’d often end up on the floor in physical pain by the end of my shift. Suffered through that for over a year; was in a “do or die” state of mind when I bid on a “promotion” – either I got the job, or I was gonna go work somewhere else. Got said “promotion”, was incredibly optimistic…got shot right the fuck down. Corporate training was an unfortunate joke, & I was only with a preceptor for 3 days of on-the-job training, during which time she tried to cram 20 years of experience in my head while also complaining about nearly everyone we worked with, as well as the company we worked for, as well as the companies we work with, as well as her husband, and so on. I worked that job for 8 months with a complete lack of confidence (even though I was assured by others that I was doing great), constant panic attacks, and an almost complete lack of teamwork from my coworkers. I busted my ass, & the patients loved me. But I only liked about 5% of the many people I worked with. Those 5% were amazing at their jobs & great to work with, but not friends. Not that I ever go to work trying to make friends, but…it was such a busy job most of the time, we were all always super exhausted when there was actually time to chill. For the most part. Two 12-hour shifts a week, overnight… I loved the job itself, for the most part lol, but 12 hours is brutal, especially with how busy it usually was. I had a hell of a fucking time trying to adjust. Eventually, around the end of October, I quit. I was terrified to go into work, & for no reason other than anxiety. I really couldn’t handle it. I was getting to a point… No, I’d gotten over a year beyond the point where I couldn’t hardly handle any stress whatsoever. But I kept trying. I hadn’t been unemployed in almost 10 years, & Hubby encouraged me to take a break if I needed it. And I sure fuckin’ did. Not to forget that I did try to get a job with him, but I failed the drug test (of course, despite using a detox) & my anxiety was almost out of control. I’m just over the time I allotted myself to just try to relax & focus on things at home (cleaning, Hubby, my father, my sanity), and I’m really embarrassed to be as broke as I am (my credit’s fucked), but I’m really glad I don’t have to go to a job with how out of my mind I am with this situation the past couple weeks.

Anyway… I keep calling him Hubby. I don’t wanna use his real name, but I don’t even know if we’re still together. I don’t know what the fuck is going on. I’m so overwhelmed & confused. I kept getting confused while I was driving around earlier, though I was being super careful, knowing my state of mind. I saw a tree that looked like a giant orange octopus for a moment, and something else silly/scary, I don’t remember what; 3 times I had either no clue where I was, or thought I was elsewhere. These types of things happened to me years ago, when I was stressing hard & driving to my father’s all the time, so I didn’t freak out. Just a little unnerving. Oh, & I did put my engagement ring on before I went out, like I always do, even though I don’t know if I’m supposed to; I always put it on in case I get in a car accident or something, at least I have a piece of him with me. If we’re breaking up though, I’m hiding that thing good; he can have the wedding ring. My engagement ring means more to me than anything but him, & I won’t give it back. I hate to be like that cuz both rings were his grandmother’s, but his grandfather wanted me to have that ring. And now I’m crying..

After driving by said friend’s house, I stopped by my old gas station…forgot where the gas tank was & pulled up on the wrong side, took off cuz I didn’t feel like fixing it, saw a cop at the other gas station I was gonna go to, freaked out for some reason, & headed home. I’ve been writing on here for over an hour now, & I’m very tired. Not gonna need to resort to any help sleeping tonight, I don’t think. If that turns out not to be the case, I’ll surely be back later lol 😥

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