How long had he been thinking about leaving me? How long had he been planning this shit? Is he ok?!? It’s like he turned into a different person. So fucking miserable. Doesn’t want his stuff, “you can throw it all out, it’s just stuff”. He doesn’t even want either of his tvs. Including the ~$1k big screen his daddy got him for xmas. “The burdens of everything” was one of the reasons he left. What fucking burdens?!? Are you fucking kidding me?!? The burdens of being an adult & having to take care of a house? The burdens of me getting so sick I can’t stand for a few days every couple months? Lazy, selfish fuck. Good thing he won’t be around if I ever get ALS; I wouldn’t want to be a fucking burden. God knows what he’d do to me then. The burdens of having to help my father in & out of the shower once every couple weeks? Stupid lazy fucking asshole. I wish I could afford to stick with the “you’re dead to me” I busted out originally. I think I need a worksheet, heh…
- I am pissed at (ex)Hubby because he left me like a childish fucking asshole. — Yes, yes. I’m heartbroken. I would be strong. — I am pissed at myself because I ruined my relationship. (Well, that didn’t work…)
- I want (ex)Hubby to give a fuck about something in his fucking life. — Yes, yes. It makes me sad that he feels he has no direction. I would be independent. — I want to have passion for something in my own life, besides him. I do a lot of things I mildly enjoy, but nothing really lights my fire.
- (Ex)Hubby should talk about things instead of acting like a fucking fool. Work through things, like we said we would. — Yes, yes. I get angry. I would probably still be in an awesome relationship. — I should talk about & work through things instead of letting them build til I can’t even properly explain why I’m upset. I have a tendency to do that (because I don’t want to be a fucking burden.) That happened with “old friend” at one point.
- I need (ex)Hubby to talk to me, & work with me, to better both of our lives, & our life together. I also need him to put forth some effort into our fucking relationship. — Yes, yes. I feel optimistic, for no reason heh. I would be independent, & wouldn’t care about being in a relationship. — I need to talk to & work with him, even now, to better our lives, & our friendship. My crankyness hasn’t helped the past day or two; I’ve been quite short with him. Maybe I just need a break.
- (Ex)Hubby is selfish, lazy, impulsive, insatiable, dishonest, & a cheater. — Yes, yes. It makes me angry. I would still love him. — (Ex)Hubby is selfless, ambitious, thoughtful, satisfied, honest, & loyal. He can be all those things; he was for a long time. Well…not 100%, heh. He did a lot of selfless things. Never really ambitious. Occasionally thoughtful. Rarely satisfied. And I have to question his honesty & loyalty.
- I don’t ever want to trust & love anyone again, just to have them shit on my fucking soul. — Yes, yes. It makes me sad, & scared. I would be strong & independent. — I want to trust & love others. It’s the only thing I do well….
Didn’t help too much…..
No better word to summarize how I’m feeling, ha. Really tired. My back hurts, & I think I’m starting to get cramps (which shouldn’t start til tomorrow). I just feel like I’m in a bubble of low energy. I have to go to my aunt’s later this afternoon to meet up with my cousin &…I’m not sure wtf we’re doing. He said he wants to plant stuff, but I don’t know if that’s still on the table, or if we’re just going right out to the land. He said his neighbor out there is making tacos tonight, so I’m assuming we’re going over there for dinner, lol. I already pity my poor tummy & whoever’s toilet I end up destroying tomorrow morning, LOL. Ugh. So gross. It’s gonna be a rough weekend…& week ahead. I vaguely mentioned a couple things I had to do yesterday on a forum, & someone said “woah, that’s a lot to do!” No, no it wasn’t, lol. That was only like 33% of my daily responsibilities. And I never feel like I’m doing enough. Even though I’m constantly running myself into the ground…
I’m pretty tired. Struggled with my mood a bit today. Realized I keep getting dicked around with the SSA. Did a bunch of dishes, & some laundry. Put most of my father’s winter stuff upstairs. Crocheted…4? granny squares. Declined the hike, & company. Going camping with my cousin tomorrow. Hardly talked to (ex)Hubby. Sad & mad about it. Made tuna salad for my father to munch on while I’m out of town. I feel really drained. And down. I hope I’m not too much of a drag this weekend. “Nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli”, Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. I will always love this show.
My mood is waaaay down, & my mind is starting to spin. How long was he fucking lying to me? Why did he bother giving me a ring just to drop me on my fucking ass? When & why did he stop giving a fuck about us? Selfish, lazy, piece of fucking shit. He said he still loves me, & cares about me. Bull fucking shit. I’m worthless trash that people just throw off to the side when they’re fucking done using me. I’m weak. My life just keeps kicking me in the face. I’m alone. With way too much on my shoulders. It’s all so worthless. I can’t wait to die. I’m really struggling not to cut myself. I want to sooo fucking bad. Just once, just to get it over with. Cuz fuck me, & my shitty existence. No point in trying. Everything just goes to shit anyway.
I don’t think I have enough time for worksheets with all these shitty beliefs rotting my mind…
My mood & ambition are winding down. I just wanna lay in bed all day. (Ex)Hubby hurt my feelings, so I need to do a worksheet when I’m done writing this part, hahaha. He’s supposed to check in with me every day, but he didn’t yesterday. Then he woke me up this morning with a text saying he was having trouble logging in to the car insurance. I must’ve copied the password down wrong; one too many letters. That was all he wanted. Doesn’t give a fuck how I’m doing anymore. Probably too busy fucking his dumb whore.
Another thing that’s pissing me off is that the chick I used to work with, who I asked to help my father out, seems to have flaked out on me. Funny, I reach out for fucking help, yet I’m still trying to do every fucking thing myself. How discouraging. And depressing.
- Nobody gives a fuck.
- I feel alone. And overwhelmed. Scared & sad. I just wanna not care anymore. I wanna isolate myself even more, so I don’t burden anyone. I wanna just lie in bed until everything goes away.
- Without this thought, I am someone who gets shit done. For myself, by myself. I am confident, strong, & independent.
- Everybody gives a fuck. People offer to help more than they’re capable of. People need to take care of themselves, in order to be able to help others. I’ve had a few offers of help.
Well, that helped a little bit…
I cleaned in the dining room for about an hour today. Holy shit. What a bunch of garbage. Painted my nails, did my bills (UGH so annoying!), got cigarettes, & made Cajun chicken pasta for dinner. I requested service from my favorite appliance repair place to fix my riding mower about a week ago maybe, & never heard from them. So, I called, & they don’t have a trailer. So, I called the place we went to last year (who never called us back after the last time it broke down, maybe a month after we got it back from being fixed), & they’ll pick it up next week. Yeesh. I’m tired. My internet’s slow, so paying bills was frustrating. Turned in some of my father’s lotto tickets that have been laying around for god knows how long. Played $3, won $1. I’m tired.
Lame. (Ex)Hubby did finally text me last night. So awkward. He’s so consistently miserable. I wish I could do something for him. But, I tried for over a decade. He’s just a different person now. It’s scary. I feel like a different person than I was when I started this blog. I really think seeing my mom’s family might have kicked me back into gear. Or I have another breakdown just around the corner, lol. Which is quite likely. At least I’m getting some stuff done while I can. I just hope I’m not running myself into the ground, making said future breakdown more difficult…
My cousin asked me to see if I could find him a sweet cherry tree for his property, so I spent an hour at the nursery, looking at all the lovely plants. Sent him a bunch of pics, including a sweet cherry tree, hehe. Bought myself a little peace lily & a small self watering pot; of course, the lily base is too big for the pot, so I have it placed in there like an asshole for now. I think I need to divide it to get it to survive properly, heh. After I got home, I did work on my running to do list, & cleaned the bathroom. I actually moved a hamper that I’ve never seen moved in my life. I like the extra space, & I like that my father isn’t bouncing off it when he comes to my room. Heh. I gotta figure out what to put there. I got a lot of random shit done, hehe.
Didn’t hear from (ex)Hubby today. I’m a little sad, a little mad, & kinda meh about it. Well…maybe more mad than I’ll admit, heh. I think that’s just growing in general. I dunno. I’m tired, heh.
My back & ass. Ugh. I think I’ve almost caught up on my sleep though, heh. *sigh* It’s a nice rainy day; I’m glad I got all that outside stuff done yesterday. I just hope my firepit doesn’t turn into a perpetual hole of water, heh. Our soil around here starts turning into clay, like, 2 inches under the surface. And I don’t really know what I’m doing, lol. At least I left all the dirt right next to the pit, in case I need to fill it back in, heh. So today, I’m not leaving the house except to bring the garbage cans back up. I’m probably not going to work on the attic today, either. I don’t know, maybe. I keep having to push back cleaning half the bathroom cuz I keep getting too busy; so I’m gonna do that, & try to minimize my running to do list (cuz it’s getting pretty lengthy, heh).
ETA : Finally finished reading that article on codependence : “What would it be like if we all felt safe asking for help when we need it and giving to others when we have extra love/energy/time/attention/money/bandwidth to give to those in need?” I still got dumped after 11 years, despite any give & take…
I’m really good at running myself into the ground. My back & hips are so sore & achy. Spent 2 1/2 hours outside today – an hour clearing vines & debris off some of my rocks, a half hour cleaning in the garage, & an hour setting up my firepit & burning a lil bit of stuff. I need to put more stones in my firepit, but I had enough walking back & forth. Sat out & had a beer while I burned a tiny bit of my pile; it was nice. Then I took a shower & headed out. Had a coupon for donut holes hehe, got lunch at McDonald’s (the one where exHubby said “I love you” for the first time, hmph), grabbed a couple things from the dollar tree, bought a new purse for summer events (like the concert I still haven’t bought my ticket for), & did some grocery shopping. Very busy day. I’m a very tired gal. I’m mad that I couldn’t get the push mower started; I’m too wimpy, heh. Oh well. I gotta call the mower place; I guess they didn’t get my damn email.