Blah

I couldn’t sleep for shit last night…

Yesterday, ex came over for a little while. I made curry. I had to talk to my cousin’s friend cuz, according to my cousin, “sounds like he’s ready to get married” lol. So, I tried being very straightforward & honest, but he turned it on himself. So, I told him he can’t take it so personally, because it’s not personal at all. Haven’t heard from him since. And I feel really bad. Even though I know I shouldn’t, cuz all I did was reiterate things I’ve already said. Still, I’m upset that he’s a bit upset. Blah. So, I couldn’t sleep. I tossed & turned for about 6 hours, with some getting up & trying to get sleepy thrown in. I really wanted to text cousin’s friend, cuz I’m sure he was up, but I felt like I shouldn’t, so I didn’t. Finally fell asleep around 6am, woke up nauseous at 9, & then woke up with a crazy sinus headache at noon. And my sinuses are still bothering me. I kinda just wanna lay in bed & listen to the rain for forever, heh.

Not sure what to do with myself right now. Ex has to drop something off for me in a little bit. I’ve got a few chores I could take care of. Maybe I should take some ibuprofin on top of my allergy meds… Gotta go “camping” tonight, so I gotta text my cousin’s friend & try to make sure he’s not too upset. Gotta gather stuff to make lunch tomorrow. Gotta grab the curry I set aside for my aunt (who probably won’t like it lol), my cousin, & I saved some for my cousin’s friend. Last weekend, he asked what my favorite foods were, I mentioned my curry, & he seemed interested haha. So, I saved him some. My cousin’s grandkids are in town from out of state, & he said I’d better be around to meet them. So, that’ll be interesting with my anxiety lately heh.

Ugh my head hurts. Wish me luck!!! lol

Rollercoaster

Ride along with me, eh? lol!

(this is a post I wrote for a forum…)

I’ve got a lot on my mind all the time. Right now, I may just need to vent the relationships stuff, because my mind is spinning. In regards…..

#1. I was with a guy for almost 11 years; engaged & everything. Lived together most of that time. Never fought, never had any real problems. We were always very affectionate & loving toward each other. He left me about 3 months ago, saying he needed to be alone & free & to fix himself. Also, he had feelings for another woman…a woman who’s 18 years married, with 3 kids. They had a 2 month fling, but when her husband found out, she broke things off with him (my ex). (ETA : Also, she gave him mono, lol.) I never in my life saw this coming. I truly thought we were “in it together” for life, yet he literally left me on the floor screaming “why?!” I’ve been through more than my share of traumatic losses, but that was the worst for me. It’s taken some time, but I’ve “gotten over it”, to some degree. I have depression & anxiety though, so…when I’m in a depressed state, especially last week…the whole situation really bothers me. We’re trying to remain friends, but…it’s very difficult. I’m still holding some immense resentment for him leaving me, & for being pretty lazy throughout our relationship. But I can’t hate him. He’s always been, & still is, there for me. So, that’s that. lol

#2. After my ex left, I got in contact with some estranged family, & one of my cousins has been hanging out with me every weekend. So, by default, I’ve been hanging out with some of his friends. One of his friends in particular has a crush on me. We’ve been talking a lot, getting to know each other. So much so that, few times in our conversations, I’ve noticed some tears in the corners of his eyes. I adore the shit out of him, he’s really cool, & I’d love to be good friends with him. But he keeps trying to make out with me. lol! Now….I really don’t think he’s trying to take advantage of me, even though I’m almost always pretty drunk when he’s doing this, & he knows I’m vulnerable because of my ex; but I really think he’s just following his heart. He’s a bit of a free spirit, like I am. But he won’t listen when I say “you don’t wanna do this”, “I’m too messed up in the head right now”, “I’m not trying to play games with your head or heart”, “why can’t I just be friends with a guy without him feeling the urge to fall in love with me for a change?”, etc. I know I can’t get into anything with anyone right now, even a “friends with benefits” situation, because of #1 being so recent, & because of #3. I really enjoy making out with him lol, but there’s certainly no chance of a future with him for 100 reasons (one being that he’s 20+ years older than I am!) He’s very…passionate. And…”ballsy”, lol. I don’t think he’s been with anyone since his divorce 5 years ago, & he’s never slept with anyone but her…yet he’s confident enough to try to grab on to someone he clicks with immediately. And I like it. lol. I dunno. He’s a millionaire, so that’s always a cherry on top LOL! But, that’s not relevant, cuz it shouldn’t be. 10 years ago, if I were single, I wouldn’t hesitate much to jump on the “secret summer fling” bandwagon with him; the only hesitation would really be how it could effect each of our individual relationships with my family. He kinda knows how I feel, cuz he’s felt similarly, with his divorce…so, he wants me to relax & have fun, & I understand & agree; but I know I shouldn’t be having that much fun at this point in time LOL. I’m really glad I met him, & I hope he’s around for a long time. But I know I need to get him to stop crushing on me so hard; if only because #1 is too recent, & because #3 might be right around the corner…..

#3. *sigh* I met this guy about 10 years ago. He was a customer at a gas station I worked at for 7 years. By the time I started working there, I’d had to (try to) end enough drama coming from customers at other stores I’ve worked – “gas station is the new bartender”, lol / you can meet a lot of interesting people & hear lots of interesting stories as a gas station attendant. I’d made a rule for myself, not to befriend any more gas station customers. So….. I remember the day I met him. We didn’t hardly talk at all, but we certainly noticed each other. After one good look at him, I knew I was in trouble, lol! Totally my type – cute smile, cute clothes, colorful tattoos, & a “namaste” spark in his eyes, like our souls knew each other. He knew from the start that I was in a committed relationship & adamantly had no plans of leaving him. But we still got to know each other a little bit. I started bending my rule a little bit, & trying to be friends with him a little bit, but I kept him at quite a distance for about a year. Then one day he told me that he’d been having issues with some of his relationships, & decided to go to Iraq for a little bit to clear his head (he’s a 20+ year army vet). I made sure to remember when he said he was leaving, so that I could give him a hug & wish him well….but he didn’t give me the chance. So, I told the universe to wish him well & went on with my life. I quit that job for a year & worked elsewhere until things got a little screwy at that new job, & I ended up working back at the gas station more & more. I pretty much forgot he existed. Then he started popping up again. We started getting to know each other all over again. He was going through a crazy rough time before he started dating his ex girlfriend again, & so he started coming to me to vent about it. And, really…roughest time ever. None of it was my problem, but I was super stressed about everything just trying to figure out how to help. He a resilient SOB, lol!, & that really helped me get through my own tough times. Anyway, then he started dating his ex, & I started getting pushed to the backburner. Which, I completely understand, & was very patient for over 6 months before I said something. I felt like…we were becoming such close friends, & I was eager to put forth the effort at that point, but then she came back into his life, & he had no time or energy for me anymore. I felt like…we were building something, & he got super distracted. So, I was pretty depressed one day, & it was bothering me, & he noticed, so I said something. And I probably didn’t word it very well; I’ll readily admit that. So, he didn’t talk to me for almost a year, despite my efforts to apologize & make amends. Then one night, he sent me an “apology day” text; I wonder if I was the only one he texted, but we chatted a little bit for a few days. A couple months later, he saw me near my store one day, & we started talking again. Immediately, I was scared he was gonna leave again. I decided to try to build this friendship as much as I could, while I could. Because I cared. He’s absolutely one of my favorite people that I’ve met in life, so I wanted to have as much fun as I could. For about 2 months, we texted each other every day; often, all day. He opened his home to me, “what’s mine is yours, always has been”, & I tried not to take advantage, & tried to figure out how to make that offer worth his while (cleaning, etc…didn’t actually get around to starting, but the intention was there lol). Most importantly, I tried to hang out with him as much as I possibly could, if even just for an hour or so after work to try to cheer him up. He took me to a restaurant / flea market, then some shops by the beach, then a harbor, & then ice cream the one day. I took him to a waterfall & a froyo shop, hehe. We sat around & he made me watch baseball (I am a very patient woman lol). And it was all fun. All the while… trying to make sure I wasn’t hurting my (now ex) fiance, trying to make sure I wasn’t hurting him, & dealing with a whole lot of stress of my own. 2 lovely months.. One week he says “I’m working on being IN love with you…get over it”, & the next he says “how dare you patronize me with I love yous & I care about yous, & if you’re not patronizing then you’re (effed) up, leave me alone”. We had gotten into an argument 5 days before that last text. I was depressed, & trying to talk to him about it. He said something that sparked what I thought was just a debate about depression, ADHD, psychology, & psychiatry. However, throughout the conversation, I insisted this wasn’t a good debate for text message & that I wasn’t in the state of mind to be capable of having it properly in the first place. But it kept coming up, either he’d bring it up or I would, for 5 days. Finally, I basically said “I’m coming over to fix this because this is ridiculous & I’m scared you’re going to disappear on me for no good reason”, which turned into a “no way I’m letting you come over here for an argument” argument. Though I wasn’t looking for an argument, I wanted to explain my fault in the situation. I basically said “I genuinely love you, I care about you, I don’t understand why you’re this upset with me or why you won’t meet me halfway, but I’m here when you want to work it out, I hope it doesn’t take long”. I was trying to be compassionate, though I can see how that could be misconstrued as condescending when in an emotional state. So…..that was almost 5 years ago. 5 years. And I think about him every day. For, like, 7 years now, ever since he really started opening up to me. It’s been heartbreaking. I truly, genuinely, always loved him. Ever since that I saw that “namaste” spark, even though I wouldn’t let myself invest in it much at first. I wonder how he’s doing. Constantly. Wish I could talk to him, to get some unique perspective on things. I miss his hugs, his smile; his support, & respectfulness. Our mutual adoration. For 2 months, everything was awesome; & he walked away from it all via text. I’ve tried to be respectful of the fact that he said “leave me alone”, but I have tried a few times to apologize; I’m pretty sure he blocked my number, & blocked me on Twitter, & Instagram. He went from loving me dearly, to cutting me out of his life completely. To some degree, he became “just another brick in the wall”, and I’ve certainly moved on with my life, but…he deliberately got himself so lodged in my head, that I can’t shake him. So…here I am now, almost 5 years later. When #1 left, I was completely devastated & alone. I wanted nothing more than to run into the arms of #3. Or at least vent to him. But I knew that wouldn’t be right, either way. A week or so after the breakup, I decided I needed something to look forward to, so I looked up his favorite band (which I grew to like quite a bit myself), & found that they’re playing a show nearby…this weekend. So, I bought a ticket, for the real reason of having something to look forward to. I have no one to go with (though #2 did offer lol!), so I bought pepper spray because I intend to go alone, & be the independent woman I know I am despite my anxiety & depression. I intend to have only a couple beers (& maybe a shot lol), because I intend to keep my wits about me while being able to enjoy the show & get my fellow patrons dancing, because that’s what I always used to do. There’s, like, a 90% chance he’ll be there. Possibly with at least one of his kids. Maybe he has a girlfriend now, who knows? If he is there, he may not even see me. And I intend to respectfully leave him alone & do my own thing, if I even see him. But I won’t be looking. Though I do hope he sees me, & I do hope he chooses to say something to me. My cousin & his friends are more his generation, & I think he’d have a blast hanging out with everyone (I don’t think #2 would get upset, but I don’t know); I think at least one of his kids would have fun too. That’s all I can really hope for, beyond him choosing to talk to me again. I was always hypothetically scared of a real relationship with him, mostly because he keeps getting upset & disappearing on me, & in part because a have a genetic reason for a sense of urgency in my life…I still wanna have a kid, & he’s done with that shizz lol. I know I can’t even fathom a real, functional relationship for myself right now, so soon after #1, not to mention that it wouldn’t be fair to him, to be with me while I’m still trying to deal with that. But I figure this is my only chance; I’ll throw the line out & see if he bites, for the chance to at least meet some new people & share some fun. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t. I can’t let myself be too disappointed, especially not after 5 years.

So, I’m nervous about what the weekend may bring, first with #2, & then with #3. There’s no easy answers for anything, not that I really have any questions. I guess I just wanted to share the novella that is my current relationship situation, lol. I usually avoid drama like the plague, yet here I am with some interesting situations. And, really, all of these things are the least of my concerns; just the tip of the iceberg, haha. But…I dunno. I hope it was a good read at least, & I’ll keep you guys posted lol!

Struggling

Perpetually, it seems. I’ve had a rough few days. Started getting a little productive yesterday, but not much. My cousin gave me his friends’ numbers, in case I’m ever down there & have any problems. So, they’ve been texting me a bit. The one that keep making out with me lol…I dunno. I like him a whole lot, as a person; I just don’t want any sort of intimate relationship with him, outside of friendship. He was texting me during his lunch yesterday. Said he worked 6a-3p at one job, & was in the middle of 4p-2a at the other job. The man’s a millionaire, yet he’s working 17 hours a day?!? “I’ll sleep when I’m dead”. How are you not dead already?!? Lol, jesus!!! He just likes to keep busy, I guess.

So, I’ve spent some time in bed. Not much to write about. Went to the psych eval doctor yesterday. Don’t see much point; I don’t like him very much, but I don’t hate him either. I haven’t talked to ex very much since I mentioned last. I guess I kinda feel the same way about him as I do that doctor, lol. I don’t think we’ll ever get back together, & I don’t think either of us really cares at this point. What a shame. What a waste.

Don’t know what to do with myself today. Since it’s the solstice, I wanted to do some things for that, but I really don’t feel like even going outside. I don’t know what to do. I could do some yardwork, but I really don’t want to. I could do some hoard cleaning. I could work on my to do lists. I could do a lot of things. But I kinda just wanna go back to bed…..

Blegh

Well, camping was fun. It kinda snapped me out of my funk while I was there, a little bit. I was still pretty consumed by anxiety, but at least I wasn’t miserable the whole time.

I think my cousin’s friend really likes me. I stayed up chatting with him alone for 4 hours this weekend. Well, chatting, making out, & pushing him off me, haha. Every week, I keep telling him I don’t wanna do this, I shouldn’t be doing this with my state of mind, I’m not trying to fuck with your head, I don’t need you falling for me, etc. He’s not trying to be creepy or overbearing or anything. He backs off…& then comes right back, lol. He just seems like he really likes me. He’s been trying to put together all these random pieces of my life that he’s been getting out of me. He went to the store with me when my cousin asked me to go get salad for dinner, & then made dinner with me, trying to make sure it was ready in time for me to eat before I had to leave, & then gave me a couple of good sized steaks to take home. Offered to go with me to concerts, or whatever, if I didn’t wanna go alone. I keep telling him…I’m down for friends, but I don’t want friends with sexy benefits lolol. I explained that I feel like I can’t be friends with a guy because everyone just first wants to bang me, & then they fall in love with me, & I don’t want any of that. I just wanna fucking chill. Why can’t I just fucking chill, lol. So…how do I feel about him?? I think he’s a sweetheart. He’s very interesting, lol. He tries to be very kind & helpful toward the people he cares about, to a fault at times. …..He randomly said he’s gonna move to Australia, cuz the offer’s been on the table for a long time from an old friend of his. But he’s never even visited. He kept saying “I have nothing for me here”. I don’t know, but I think he was just trying to see what I would say. Cuz I’m sure not about to say “oh no, stay for me” lol. But I did point out his daughter, his multitude of friends who adore him, his insanely complex home, his mother & siblings, & the fact that he just started expanding his bar at the house. Maybe he was just in a mood? I know his ex wife has been bugging him quite a bit. I dunno. I was saying….. He seems like a really good guy. I’m not 100% sure if he’s just fucking with me, but I don’t think guys usually bring up the shit in their past & shed a few tears just to try to fuck a girl lol. But he definitely did shed a few tears during our conversation; really caught me off guard, heh. He also keeps mentioning he’s never been with anyone but his ex-wife. So, I don’t think he’s been in a relationship at all since they broke up 5 years ago. And she’s been trying to get back with him, even though she’s the one who left him for someone else in the first place. But he doesn’t want her anymore. She fucked up. And it’s been too long. Even though the comfort of complacency is tempting, since he’s never been with anyone else. Then again, she was also trying to bang my cousin, his friend.  …..Anyway, how do I feel about him?!? I wanna be friends. He’s not really my type, though he is kinda cute. He’s too tall, too skinny. And, I hate to say it, too old for me. He’s 20+ years older than me. His daughter is a year younger than me. With thinking that the ALS gene is waiting to “go off” in my blood, I kinda have to have a sense of urgency in my life. I can’t “waste my time” with relationships that aren’t going to amount to a ring on my finger & a kid in a couple-a few years. And he’s definitely done having kids at his age, lol! He’s looking for grandkids at this point. So…yeah. I like hanging out with him though. He’s fun. He likes to live life, as do I. And he’s fun to make out with, lol! Very passionate, very good kisser. I adore the shit out of him, but I can’t let things go too far. I guess that’s it, heh.

My mind’s all over the place today. He reminds me a lot of “old friend”. So, he’s on my mind a lot too. Now I’ve got ex texting me… He first said he wanted to come over to talk about things, but now he just wants to text & explain how he feels about everything. This should be interesting….. I’m nervous to see what he says. I kinda don’t care at this point, but I guess I kinda do. I don’t know. I’m afraid he’s gonna say something to set my mood on a downhill spiral. But should I even care? I vented to him before camping about how he left me just like everyone else does, & I’m meant to be alone because I’m obviously not worth loving. And we didn’t really talk for a couple days after that. And I didn’t care in the slightest, cuz I’ve got plenty else going on, heh. But right now, I’m bouncing off the walls with all this shit in my head. Good shit, but distracting regardless. I’ve been trying to get focused enough to do something for at least 3 hours, but I can’t. I’m too damn wound up. And now, I can’t wait to see what ex says….. I don’t even wanna think about it. I just wanna float around in my good vibes….. Same shit. He loves & misses me, but he doesn’t know what he wants. He feels guilty, it was all his fault, but maybe we just need to breathe a while. He never said he doesn’t ever wanna give it another shot. He just doesn’t know what he wants with anything right now. Whatever. Really, he wants to be free & alone & grow. And he can’t do that while in a relationship with me. He wants to fix himself up a bit, & try dating other people, at least for now. Ok. Whatever. I’ve got other shit on my mind anyway. Working things out hasn’t even been a consideration in at least a couple weeks. I feel the same, despite the occasional devastation bubbling up in my depression – I wanna find someone who cares enough to light my fire, ya know? I don’t wanna burden “old friend” or anyone with the mess in my mind right now, but at the same time, I’d love to date him, & for everything to work out beautifully & flawlessly in time. Get married, have a kid, his temper cooled down, but with his Leo love of life firing bright. I don’t know if that’s a possibility. Honestly, I don’t think it is. But it’s the only hope I’ve got right now, so I’m rolling with it, heh. I at least hope to hang out with him a bit this summer, & maybe bang it out once or twice, lol. That’d be nice at least. But who knows. The only chance I’ve got is if I see him at the concert in less than a week (EEK!)…rather, if he sees me & chooses to say something to me. Because he told me to leave him alone, and I’ve done that as much as I’ve been able to the past 5 years, I won’t go up to him. But I’ll be there if he’s willing. If he’s even there, & if he even sees me. I know I can’t count on it. I know I have to plan to go there & have fun for myself, with myself. And I do. But a girl can dream, eh?

Ugh…we’re still discussing this shit, ex & I. I gotta wind it down. I gotta wind my mind down. It’s almost 5pm, &…I haven’t done much other than spin around in my head. I don’t really want to do anything though…

Still sad.

So very sad. The breakup is what’s been plaguing me this time. I feel like, in my head, I’m still on the floor like the pathetic worthless shit I am, crying, screaming, begging him not to leave. I feel hopeless, like my whole life was ripped away from me. And now he has mono – even if we did ever make up, I can’t even kiss him without getting horribly sick. We won’t make up. I shouldn’t be with anyone; I should die alone & young, cuz those are the cards I’ve been dealt. I’ve always been alone. No siblings, no family around, all my fucking life. I’m supposed to be alone. And to suffer in mourning my losses as long as I live. Alone. And quietly, cuz no one fucking cares anyway. I’m a lost cause. All he did was reinforce my shitty beliefs. I’m truly hopeless now.

I vented to him a bit yesterday. (Ex.) It must’ve upset him cuz I haven’t heard from him since. I told him he dropped me on my ass like everyone does because I’m worthless trash, & that I’m foolish for thinking anyone would ever truly love me because I’m not worth shit to anyone. He put more effort & money & passion into his two month fling with mono bitch than he ever did with me. It was just me struggling all along, & he never fucking gave a shit. I wanna beat the both of them within inches of their lives. I wanna see his face bloody & bruised. Because he fucking deserves it. For trying to kill someone who’s already dead inside….. I’m getting a bit off the rails…

Nothing to do today. Cuz I can’t focus on anything besides my misery & pain. Think I’m going “camping” tonight. Can’t foresee that going well, but whatever. Who gives a fuck. At least I won’t be drinking at home alone, at risk of another destructive temper tantrum.

Ready to crack a beer…

…well, maybe not quite yet. I had a couple last night though, heh.

My doctor’s appointment went fine yesterday. I guess. She only had the results of my blood test, not my cardiac monitor. Blood test was fine; heart issues “probably just anxiety”. Tell that to the a-fib I felt a month ago. Whatever. I’m crazy. So, it doesn’t matter. Same with the stomach problems I was experiencing for 4 years- just my anxiety, so fuck me. Waking up in the middle of the night, puking, & with such consistent diarrhea that I was eventually shitting water? Yup, just my anxiety. Fuck me.

Ex came over yesterday too. He apparently has mono, from the bitch he left me for. Enjoy your karma, asshole.

My depression’s really got me by the throat. I’m feeling worthless, hopeless, pointless, unlovable… I feel like I’m meant to be alone in this world, no matter what I do. I’m meant to suffer, & die young.

Ugh…

Sad & scared,

ever since last night.

Yesterday ended up ok. I took some Xanax, & it allowed me to focus enough to get some chores done. Ex came over for a few hours & watched some ST:TNG with me. He needed to vent cuz he had his ex girlfriend on his mind. And I sucked it up & tried to help, & offered advice where I could. It was pretty exhausting after a while, though, especially considering my own depression has been creeping in.

Well, it’s in. Heh. Today I have to go to the res after my doctor’s appointment. Doc is why I’m scared – we’ll be discussing the results of my blood test & heart monitor. I’ll definitely be taking some Xanax before I go, heh. I didn’t see too much on my blood work – cold sore herpes, high cholesterol…something a little off with my hemoglobin, & my RBCs are a bit big. No idea about the heart monitor results yet. I don’t wanna deal with this shit. I don’t feel like I can right now. But I don’t have a fucking choice.

As for the sad… I’m meant to die alone. I shouldn’t ever be in another relationship. I’ll never be able to trust anyone ever again, nor should I. Never did in the first place, because I know I’m not important enough to be worth shit to anyone. Everyone just throws me aside like trash when they’re done using me. That’s all I’m here for.

Down.

Ex & I blasted through the new season of Orange is the New Black in 3 days, heh. He’s still pretty sick (over 2 weeks now), so he went back to the doctor today, & had to go to my old hospital for a chest x-ray & bloodwork. I’m…on my way down.

Yesterday wasn’t too bad. Therapy was fine. Though, still pretty pointless, in my opinion. I love my therapist, but…I don’t feel like we’re doing anything, really. Though, I can’t imagine what could be done anyway. Then I went to Wal-Mart. I saw one of my old customers, who has schizophrenia. I watched that poor guy suffer for 7 years before he found some medication that helped him, & it seems to still be helping. So, that made me really happy.

But, like I’ve been saying, I’m on my way down into depression. If I’m not distracted by something fun, I’m sinking into sadness. Within the next couple days I assume, I won’t even be able to distract myself. My therapist said it seems like I’m almost constantly battling my thoughts & emotions, trying to make them acceptable to myself. She asked if I ever tried just accepting them, or exploring them. Yes. I think that’s how I ended up with my general malaise. “Why am I feeling this way? Oh, well….(insert 500 reasons that have built up throughout my life)”. I feel like I’m reliving my life’s devastations repeatedly, but only emotionally. Then the negative thoughts come swirling up. For example, right now…I haven’t done much productive the past few days. What little I’ve done, doesn’t feel like anything. I’ve made no progress with anything. Even trying to control where I’m at & where I’m going, getting an idea of what I could-should do…is a daunting task. No matter what I do, I feel like I’m getting nowhere. And I feel like a failure for it. I feel like I’m not allowed to take a break. I’m not allowed to be so selfish. I gotta push through. But to where?! That was another thing my therapist was mentioning…I grew up with as much stability as my parents could give me, but I still dealt with a lot of loss, so I feel the need to control as much as I can. But I’m a small-statured woman with a curve in her spine & a glitch in her heart….I can only do so much, & I don’t have much help. I feel so alone. And overwhelmed. But when I ask myself why I’m sad…it’s because my fiance left me outta nowhere after 11 years, for a woman who doesn’t even want him, and because I’m a burden. “The burdens of everything” he said, which translates in my mind as “I’m a fucking burden, no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I’m just a fucking burden. I’m not worth anyone’s time, energy, or love. I was meant to be alone, before I was even conceived.” I know these things aren’t realistic, they’re only pessimistic, & serve me no useful purpose. But they sure are a part of my “core beliefs”.

So, I’m either gonna crack a beer or take a Xanax (one or the other!), & see if it helps…..

Feelin’ lousy…

Well, camping was fun. My cousin’s friend did, in fact, try to make out with me again. I should probably write about that more later, cuz I…I’m not sure what the fuck his deal is….. Though, I think I do… I dunno. I feel like hell.

Anyway… My cousin & I were up til 5am. For once, his friend went to bed before us. I couldn’t fall asleep til 6. Got woken up around 9, due to my little kid cousins. Ended up getting up & spending time with the kids & their parents. Went out on the boat for about an hour. Got a sunburn. Went grocery shopping with my cousin when he got up, & one of the kids. Hung out alone down by the creek for a little while. Mowed some of the friend’s lawn. Came home. Ex was upset, & is still sick (for 2 weeks now!), so he came over to relax for a while. We watched a few episodes of Orange is the New Black. Then he came over again yesterday, & we watched some more haha. Didn’t do much other than that & my responsibilities the past couple days.

Woke up today with bad cramps. Like…I think the heat’s making it worse. I love the heat, don’t get me wrong, lol! Just not so much when I’m in pain. My head hurts, I’m bloated… I just wanna lay in bed. But I have an appointment with my therapist, & then I have to do some grocery shopping (UGH!!!) Gotta take the garbage & recycling down. And that’s it. Then I can lay in bed. But I feel soooo damn lousy…

sigh

And wah. I don’t feel up to anything. Back into the state of mind where the only thing that sounds appealing is crawling underneath the bed & melting into the floor. I don’t know why that’s what comes to mind, but that’s where my mind’s at.

Not much to do today. I’ve gotta call my doctor, since the patient portal’s email is apparently fucking useless. Gotta tidy the fridge a bit, & put my turkey soup away. And do some dishes. That’s it, til later. Gotta go to my aunt’s for dinner, & then down south for “camping”. I don’t really wanna go, cuz my anxiety & depression are growing. But I really need to go, to get the fuck away from my father for a day. I just wanna morph into a puddle…